


Squaring the Circle

by TeamSharma



Category: Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-16
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-21 07:45:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 84,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamSharma/pseuds/TeamSharma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story begins after episode 3.22. When Kalinda is missed at work Alicia begins to search for her. Soon events overtake and change their lives forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1 - Squaring the Circle

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story in German and I feel very lucky to have two angels by my side who volunteered to help me translate the story chapter by chapter. **Sarah** and **schwarmerei1** , you made a dream come true for me and I can’t thank you enough for the hours and hours you spent on beta-reading my (sometimes really clumsy) translation of this story! Thank you so much for being such great beta readers! You both rock!
> 
> Originally I wrote this fic for a very nice board whose members like to read fanfiction. Half of the people knew the show _The Good Wife_ , the other half didn’t. Therefore I had to explain several things about the characters that usually needn’t to be explained in fanfiction. As a result the first of eighteen chapters feels kind of rough and I hope you will be indulgent with me. It will get better. My motivation for writing _Squaring the Circle_ was to find out whether there was a way to pair up Alicia Florrick with Kalinda Sharma without pushing them out of character. I’m afraid I didn’t succeed but I can assure you that I tried. 
> 
> _Squaring the Circle_ was written just for fun. Copyright of _The Good Wife_ is owned by Scott Free productions, King Size productions and CBS Television Studios. None of the characters are mine and no copyright infringement is intended.

Alicia Florrick was sitting at her desk, drumming her fingers on the desk pad. She had often cursed the glass walls, but today she was grateful for the excellent view of nearly the entire floor. It was 11:00 A.M. and at Lockhart & Gardner it seemed to be a day like any other. Will Gardner, Alicia’s boss, was sitting at his desk over a pile of legal documents, completely immersed in preparing for the first case after his disbarment. A mistake from fifteen years ago had led to his suspension from the law for six months, a penalty that was now coming to an end. With the exception of a few jockeying equity partners who had been eagerly eyeing his position, everyone was glad that the boss was coming back. Diane Lockhart’s firm hand had led them admirably through the crisis, yet she would surely be relieved to hand back some of the weight that had been thrust upon her shoulders with the job of single-handedly heading a law firm that comprised three-hundred employees.

To whom of the two should she go? Alicia observed Diane, who was standing in her office talking on the phone. She laughed and threw her head back ever so slightly, from which Alicia gathered it wasn’t a purely work-related conversation. So, to Will? Alicia checked her cell phone for probably the twentieth time that morning: still no message from Kalinda. Why wasn’t she answering?

Once again, Alicia redialed and sighed when all she got was Kalinda’s voice-mail. The investigator nearly always answered her phone, and in exceptional circumstances when she did have to turn it off, she would call back within the hour. So what was going on? Alicia would have been much calmer if it hadn’t been for the conversation they had had the night before. She had been up thinking about it for hours, because for the first time, she had seen fear on the face of her otherwise so composed colleague.

Alicia jumped when she was pulled from her thoughts by the knock at her door and Cary Agos stuck his head in, clearly in a good mood. Lockhart & Gardner had offered him a substantial pay rise to come back to them from the State’s Attorney’s Office. Three years ago, Alicia and Cary had started at Lockhart & Gardner as rivals, and when Will and Diane had chosen Alicia over Cary, he had changed sides and become a valuable asset to the State’s Attorney of Cook County. Nobody was a better weapon against Lockhart & Gardner than Cary Agos, and the new State’s Attorney -- Alicia’s husband Peter Florrick -- had also been well aware of the advantages that Cary’s knowledge could have. The firm had made the right move to get Cary back, and he seemed exceptionally pleased with himself. 

“Hi Alicia,” he greeted her, and gestured to the pile of papers on her desk. “Everything good with you?”

“Everything’s fine,” she said. “And you?”

“Same here,” he nodded. “Did you see Kalinda? We were supposed to meet at ten about the Fenner case.”

“No.” Alicia smiled. “She’s probably out collecting evidence and just forgot to let you know.”

Cary lifted an eyebrow. “Kalinda never forgets anything.”

Alicia knew very well that he was right, but didn’t comment on it further. “I’ll let you know if I see her,” she promised him, and pretended to get back to some paperwork. Yet as soon as he had closed the door behind him, she got up and walked down the long corridor to her boss’ office.

Will Gardner didn’t seem surprised to see her knocking on his door. With a serious expression, he put aside the book in his hands and waved her in. “Alicia,” he said and motioned for her to sit down in the empty chair in front of his desk. 

Carefully, as if she didn’t quite trust her balance, Alicia took her seat. Something in his voice unnerved her, and she tried reading in his face what was on his mind. Alicia knew Will better than anybody else at the firm. Nearly twenty years ago they had studied at Georgetown together, and probably would have gotten together romantically, if Alicia hadn’t met Peter at the same time. Three years ago, when Will had hired Alicia at his firm, the old attraction had been rekindled and had flared up in a short and passionate affair. Alicia had ended it herself, there being no room in her current life for a relationship. Especially not for a relationship with a man who was her boss and on top of that an opponent of her husband, the State’s Attorney. Her husband never concealed that he wanted her back, but Alicia didn’t want to commit herself to him or to Will at the moment. She had more than enough complications in her life, not to mention having to raise two teenagers.

Alicia had been worried that Will would hold a grudge after she had broken it off with him, but he showed no such resentment. She still felt very close to him, and she knew that it was the same for him. However there were also moments, such as this one, when she had no idea what was going on in his head.

Will lent back in his chair and folded his hands in a thoughtful manner. “The times ahead are going to be tough for all of us, especially for you, Alicia.” He looked at her for a long time. “But we’ll be okay.”

“Tough?” Alicia felt a pang in her stomach. “What are you talking about?”

“Kalinda. That’s why you came, isn’t it?”

Alicia didn’t understand what he was getting at.

“She didn’t tell you?” he asked, letting a pencil fall silently onto his notepad. “She quit. Now of all times, when everything’s falling apart here. Somebody is very keen on seeing this firm bankrupt, and if we don’t find out fast who that is, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.” He paused for a moment when he noticed that Alicia wasn’t listening. “Are you okay, Alicia?”

She nodded absentmindedly. “Kalinda quit?”

“Well, she didn’t exactly quit,” he corrected himself. “Yesterday she asked me for money –- a lot of it for such short notice. That’s when it became clear to me that she was leaving us. Someone like Kalinda doesn’t stay in one place for long. And when she leaves, she leaves on the spur of the moment.”

Alicia got up and walked to the window. She watched the Chicago traffic crawling along in the midday sun while trying to gather her thoughts amidst the chaos in her head. Why would Kalinda leave the city in such a rush? Did it have something to do with the check from Toronto that Alicia had found in Kalinda’s file several days ago? She had been working on Kalinda’s file related to her tax issues, and had investigated the mysterious check by calling the company named on it. Ever since she had informed Kalinda of what she had done, Kalinda had changed. Quite atypical for her, she seemed rushed and distracted.

The man who had answered the phone had disconcerted Alicia by calling her back at work the next day, despite her saying she would call him. And when she had told Kalinda about it, the knowledge had noticeably disquieted her, but all she had said was that she would take care of it.

Then the unknown man had called two nights ago at her home. Alicia had no idea how the man had found out her name and number, and he had obviously tried to scare her. Unfortunately, things had been so hectic at Lockhart & Gardner the next day that Alicia hadn’t gotten another opportunity to speak to Kalinda again. But last night Kalinda had suddenly shown up at her office to tell her goodnight. Alicia had been somewhat surprised, because Kalinda didn’t usually stop by at the end of a working day, but nothing in Kalinda’s behavior had suggested that her words were meant as a final goodbye. 

“Are you the only one that she told?” Alicia turned back to Will.

He shrugged. “If she didn’t tell you anything, I doubt she informed anyone else. She was forced to tell me, because I’m her boss and she needed…” He stopped in the middle of his sentence and got up. “Wait here,” he mumbled, and was out of the room before he had finished his sentence. Alicia shook her head in confusion when she watched him hurry down the corridor and disappear into the elevator. 

A few moments later, Will reappeared. “It doesn’t make sense…,” he said as he stepped back into his office. Alicia wasn’t sure whether he was speaking to her or to himself, so she remained silent. “The money is still here.” He eventually raised his head and looked at her.

“What money?”

“We had agreed that she would get her money in cash. But she hasn’t picked it up.”

“What?” Alicia took a deep breath of air. “But…”

“Alicia,” Will took a step towards her and laid his hands on her shoulders. “Was there anything important that you two spoke about yesterday?”

Alicia hesitated. “It was off the record,” she said and looked him straight in the eye. She couldn’t possibly tell Will that the man, who seemed to be chasing Kalinda as well as her, was Kalinda’s husband. Not too long ago she herself had had no idea that her colleague was married and that Kalinda Sharma wasn’t her real name. And slowly Alicia was starting to understand why _Leela Tahiri_ had decided to take up a new identity.

“Is Kalinda in danger?” Will asked, without letting go of her.

Alicia held his gaze. “Can I have a day off?”

Finally he let go of her shoulders. “Whatever it is you have to take care of, I’m not going to let you do it alone. And you’re counting it as work hours. The firm will cover any expenses.” With three steps he was at his desk and picked up the phone. “Courtney, cancel all of Alicia’s appointments for today. And get me Cary.”

Alicia raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

“The two of you know her better than anybody else here,” Will explained, when he put down the phone. “I’m counting on you to inform me the moment you need reinforcement. Nobody is getting into any unnecessary danger, am I understood?”

 

* * *

 

Half an hour later, Alicia and Cary were in her car and on the way to Kalinda’s apartment. The young lawyer was sitting in the passenger seat, tense and searching through his coat for his wallet, his usual easiness gone. Though Cary had worked for the ‘other side’ for a long time, his weakness for Kalinda hadn’t evaded the notice of anyone. Maybe it was even more than that -- Alicia had never been able to read him completely. In spite of their differences there was a special bond between Kalinda and Cary, a strange mixture of using and deceiving each other but also of genuine support and honest affection. And Alicia noticed that today she was actually grateful for his company. It felt good to not be the only one worrying about Kalinda.

Had she really left the city without giving Alicia any indication of her intentions? Certainly she was capable of it, but Alicia had reasons to doubt this theory. It just didn’t make sense in light of their recent conversations. Kalinda had earnestly been trying to open up and share more of herself since Alicia had told her quite plainly that only under that condition was their friendship going to have a chance. In the following weeks Alicia had often suppressed a smile when Kalinda’s efforts showed that she clearly had absolutely no experience with opening herself up to anybody. A few times she had randomly blurted out some trivial information about herself, completely out of context, and Alicia had tried hard to find something neutral to say in response -- to let Kalinda know that her efforts were appreciated. And they really were, for Alicia was well aware that her colleague was breaking her own rules, which she normally never did. Of all people Kalinda, who believed that people never change, was trying to change. 

“There it is!” Cary announced as he pulled a scrap of paper from his wallet with something written on it. He placed it next to Alicia’s on the dashboard. “It looks just like yours.”

Alicia glanced at Cary wondering what he intended to achieve with this little demonstration. Was he trying to prove to her that he had just as much the right to enter Kalinda’s apartment as she had? “Have you been there before?” she asked and hit the brakes hard when the light in front of her suddenly turned red.

He shook his head. “Do you know anybody that she’s ever invited to her place? I think we’re the only two people who even have her address.”

He didn’t seem to expect an answer, and so Alicia stared at the red light in front of them while she thought back to the moment when Kalinda had given her the address. In the middle of sifting through piles of documents together, she had casually slipped it over to her. Of course Alicia had assumed that the hand-written address was somehow connected to the case they were working on. It was only when Kalinda, somewhat embarrassed, explained the misunderstanding that Alicia realized something special had just happened. 

Up to then nobody had known where Kalinda lived or what she did in her free time. Some colleagues even claimed that Kalinda didn’t have any free time, maybe not even a home. Alicia had never met someone who knew so many people and yet kept them at such a distance. She had also never come across someone who knew how to use her seductive charm on people so purposefully. Kalinda was used to getting what she wanted, with men as well as with women. Sexuality and intimacy however were two completely separate things for her. When Kalinda spent the night with someone, it didn’t mean that she wanted to get to know them. It was hard to say who Kalinda was serious about, or whether there even was anyone she was serious about. Probably no one, for she had no interest in close relationships of any kind. The fact that her friendship with Alicia seemed to mean a lot to her was completely at odds with her personality. 

Alicia had been so visibly surprised when Kalinda handed her the new address (she hadn’t even known that she had moved) that Kalinda had immediately tried to trivialize the occurrence. For Alicia however this had been the irrevocable proof that they had long gone from being colleagues to being friends. A careful friendship at that, but the best Alicia had ever had. Where were all the women who had called themselves her friends? Had any of them so much as called after the scandal with Peter? Had any of them ever asked how she was doing? When her husband was the State’s Attorney of Cook County, she had had an abundance of friendly people around her who meant her well. Not one of these friends from before was left now, and Alicia was surprised how little this actually mattered to her. It was only through the fissure with Kalinda that Alicia had felt the pains of missing a friendship. 

Sometimes Alicia asked herself whether there was some kind of god up there who looked down on her and played his games with her. For why did it have to be Kalinda, of all people, who hurt her like nobody else ever had? Kalinda had been the only person she had completely trusted. In a way Kalinda knew her better than anybody else, better than Peter, better than Will. What was a friendship worth, if it did not rely on honesty? What was a marriage worth?

Three years ago, when it had turned out that Peter had slept with prostitutes and abused the power of his position for his own interests, Alicia had thought she was at the absolute low-point of her life. She had become involved in a political scandal against her will, received pity and disgust from those who did not understand why she stood by her man (at least in public.) There had never been any room for her private emotions: her horror, her disgust, her shame, her anger. When Alicia now looked back upon this time, she was amazed that she had even survived it, let alone without visible scars.

By now she had fewer illusions about the world and had learned to prove herself independently. She was no longer merely the wife at the side of Peter Florrick; she was Alicia Florrick, respected and sought-after lawyer at Lockhart & Gardner. Who would have thought, that after thirteen years away from the workforce, she would come out of this disaster with such strength. The comeback to her old profession had ultimately been good for her. For the first time in a very, very long time, Alicia Florrick had finally felt like herself again.

And then it came, the next blow, harsher and more crushing than the first. An investigator working for the State’s Attorney’s Office had informed her that Peter and Kalinda had spent a night together back when Kalinda was still called Leela. Whether it had been a thank-you, a deal, or mutual attraction didn’t make any difference. Neither of the two had for one moment thought of his wife. Not only had Peter lied to and betrayed her again, this time the person she had trusted most had been involved in the deceit. As a consequence Alicia lost both her husband and her best friend. 

Kalinda had silently accepted Alicia’s request to stay out of her way at work. In vain Alicia had waited for some reaction, an apology or a word of regret, though she knew that she would never have accepted it. Only once had Kalinda expressed some sort of remorse -- she had said that doing _these things_ was how she was and that it didn’t mean anything to her. She had added that she hadn’t known Alicia then, but did that make it any better?

At least Kalinda had shown the decency to look for a new job, yet for some reason it didn’t pan out. Thus they had been forced to continue to work together, which had been extremely difficult for Alicia at first. Every morning when she saw Kalinda, she felt nauseated. It wasn’t about her having sex with a married man, it was about Kalinda’s secrecy. In all the time that they had known each other she hadn’t said a word of her night with Peter. 

At the beginning, Alicia had been far too preoccupied with herself to see that Kalinda was suffering too. And when she did notice, she was almost glad of it -- at least she wasn’t the only one in pain. To her relief Kalinda didn’t undertake some futile attempt to repair their friendship. Though Will and Diane had both requested that whatever was going on between them should be taken care of, Alicia just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Some things just could not be forgiven. She could not and would not trust anyone like that again, least of all someone who meant something to her.

One day Alicia found out that Kalinda had, on several occasions, secretly done things to help her with her cases. And a few weeks later, it turned out that it had been Kalinda who had found and returned her daughter Grace when she was missing. Never in her life had Alicia been as afraid as on that day. Paralyzed, she had sat on her bed, waiting for a call from the police, while Kalinda had acted instead -- as always. She had found Grace and brought her home. Yet she had made sure that Alicia didn’t find out about it, and indeed she wouldn’t have, if a young man named Patrick hadn’t spilled it to her. 

Though her anger had at first helped her to not fall into an even deeper hole, Alicia eventually came to realize that it wasn’t very productive to be mad at someone twenty-four hours a day. Reluctantly she had to admit to herself that she had never worked so well with anyone as she used to with Kalinda. She always seemed to know what Alicia was thinking even before she said it out loud. And Alicia instinctively kept on doing what she thought Kalinda would have suggested. It would be wasted potential if they didn’t take advantage of this fact, and it was useless looking for new friends when the best friend she had ever had was sitting next to her, silently waiting for a sign.

“I know what’s going on, by the way,” Cary disrupted her thoughts. “How are you two doing these days?”

“What are you talking about?” Alicia didn’t in the least feel like talking to Cary about her personal life. Instead she glanced at the car’s GPS. They would be at their destination in five minutes.

“You and Kalinda,” he replied with a slightly knowing smile. “I’m sure you’re aware that your investigator Blake had to make a statement at the State’s Attorney’s Office. What you don’t know is that my colleague Matan kept part of the statement under lock and key to buy himself into a good position with Peter.” Cary paused for a moment, to be sure that Alicia understood what must have been written in this part of the statement. “Kalinda knew about this, and tried everything she could to get at the document, including asking me to help her.”

Alicia looked at Cary from the side. Sometimes the young lawyer surprised her. This information could have helped him to a higher position in Peter’s office. Instead he had chosen to keep it to himself. “Is that why Kalinda forced Blake out of the city?”

Cary scratched his ear. “I don’t think she’d like it if I talked to you about that.”

Alicia didn’t respond, and returned her attention to the road. They were less than half a mile away from Kalinda’s apartment and it was time to start looking for a parking space. 

Cary took his note from the dashboard and slipped it back into his wallet. “I’m just saying… Kalinda took great pains to make sure the content of Blake’s statement didn’t reach you. She showed up nearly every day at my office trying to persuade me to do something about it. But what was I supposed to do? Matan knew that with this information he had an ace up his sleeve, and he wasn’t ready to give that up. One day her visits suddenly stopped and I didn’t see her for a while. She didn’t respond to my texts, she didn’t answer my calls. When I saw her again, she looked so pale and overtired that I knew you had found out.”

Alicia shook her head. She felt the bitterness rising back up inside of her. Instead of putting so much effort into trying to keep it a secret, Kalinda could have tried to talk to her.

“Don’t be so hard on her,” Cary continued. “I think it really shook her up, I’ve never seen her so low.” 

Alicia slammed the brakes at the sight of an empty parking space. “Here we are!”

Cary stretched after he got out of the car. “Well, here’s to hoping she just overslept…”

They both knew Kalinda never did.

 

* * *

 

After ringing the doorbell for the third time, Alicia gave up.

“Would’ve been too easy,” Cary muttered and took some tools out of his briefcase.

“You want to break in?” Alicia gave a concerned look down the hall. There were other apartments on this floor, and the noise would surely raise some attention. 

“Do you have a better idea?”

“How about the police?” Alicia was aware that it wasn’t exactly in Kalinda’s interest to get the police involved in her private affairs, but Cary had spotted Kalinda’s car outside and it wasn’t a good sign that she didn’t answer her door.

“First we have a look what’s going on.” Cary bent down and started to work on the lock. “What?” he asked at Alicia’s look of surprise. “I worked for the State’s Attorney. I’ve watched locks being picked a hundred times now when executing search warrants.” Cary kept fiddling with Kalinda’s deadbolt. He swore under his breath when there was the unmistakable sound of something breaking inside the lock, but he did manage to get the door open. 

As expected, Kalinda wasn’t home, so they started searching for some indication as to where she could be. Alicia squinted as she looked around the bedroom. This was where Kalinda lived? No wonder she never invited anybody to her place. Any hotel room was more inviting. Apart from the bed, there was hardly any furniture. It was the apartment of a person who was ready to pack up and go at any time.

In one of the walls of the bedroom Cary found a hole, about twelve inches wide, which led to a small hollow behind it. It couldn’t have been there long, as directly beneath it on the floor there still lay pieces of dusty drywall. “Somebody was keeping something here,” Cary stated the obvious, as he inspected the space behind the hole. “Maybe Kalinda did leave without picking up her money from Lockhart & Gardner.”

Alicia didn’t answer him. She had found something that immediately shattered his theory. Behind Kalinda’s bed was an empty bag, and beside it, strewn about carelessly, were clothes, ammunition, a gun, and several bundles of money packed in plastic bags. When Alicia knelt down and noticed the dust on the plastic it became clear they had been stored in the wall. 

Nothing here suggested a planned and executed departure, and Alicia could feel her throat turning dry. “If Kalinda did have a plan to leave, she doesn’t seem to have followed it through.” 

Cary moved to where she knelt. “Packed and then unpacked again?” he asked, wrinkling his forehead. “That makes no sense.”

“It also doesn’t make sense that she didn’t take any of this.” Alicia went over to the walk-in closet and opened the door. She staggered back a couple of steps when she met with the scent of Kalinda’s things. Could they even be sure that she was still alive? Alicia decided not to finish that train of thought. “It doesn’t look like there’s anything missing,” she shouted to Cary, who had left the bedroom.

“Did you notice the armchair near the front door?” he asked from the hallway. “It probably doesn’t usually stand there, but next to that lamp against the wall.”

Alicia felt unable to follow him and sat down on Kalinda’s bed. “Which means?” she shouted back in his direction. 

“Could mean she tried to block the door with it.” Cary came back into the room. “Could also mean she sat in it there, waiting for somebody.”

Alicia shook her head. She knew Cary only wanted to help, but she just didn’t have the strength for playing detective right now.

“I found something else.” He held up a small scrap of paper. “This was on the armchair. It had slipped down the side of the cushion.”

“What is it?” Alicia fixed her eyes on the piece of paper raised triumphantly in his hand. “An address?”

“A cell phone number.”

Without saying a word, Alicia pulled out her cell phone and dialed the number, putting the phone on speaker. “It’s Kalinda’s handwriting,” she said to Cary as she waited for the dial tone. 

“Hello?” a male voice answered.

“Hello. Who am I speaking to?”

“Well, who’s asking?”

Alicia was immediately reminded of her conversations with that unknown man who had turned out to be Kalinda’s husband. But this was a different voice, a voice that nevertheless seemed familiar to her. “Listen, I …” she began.

“Alicia Florrick?” the voice interrupted her.

She held back for a moment. “Who…”

“Blake Calamar.”

“Blake?” Alicia nearly dropped her phone in surprise. “How are you?”

She heard him laughing at the other end of the line. “I’m going to assume that that’s not really what you’re interested in. You dialed my number and you don’t even know who you’re calling?”

“Yes, that’s right,” she admitted. “I’m calling because we’re in a bit of a situation…” She paused and thought for a moment how to best win him over. Eventually, she decided for the direct approach. “Can you help us find Kalinda?”

He laughed again. “Now why should I do that? The woman demolished my car, led me into a trap in a hotel room, and ended up driving me out of the city just so that her little secret doesn’t reach your ears. Why should I have any interest in helping her?” He paused, to see if his words had the desired effect. “I hope you know by now,” he added.

Alicia touched her forehead. Blake hadn’t changed a bit. He still couldn’t help but play his games. “Blake,” she said in a serious tone. “Right now, we can’t rule out the possibility that Kalinda’s life may be in danger. And you’ll be paid well.”

“Lockhart & Gardner?”

“Yes, exactly.” Alicia threw an uncertain glance at Cary, who nodded in agreement. Will had, after all, promised that the firm would cover any costs.

For a moment, there was silence at the other end of the line. “Five hundred dollars an hour, plus expenses.”

“Okay.”

“And you’re aware that I’m not in Chicago?”

“I assumed as much.”

“Alright.” There was a rustling in the line, apparently Blake was getting something to write with. “What’s this about?”

Alicia recounted the events of the last couple of hours and days. “And there’s something else,” she said when she had finished. “Not too long ago, Lemond Bishop threatened her.” Alicia knew that by mentioning this name she was entering dangerous waters, for Blake had once worked for the drug dealer. But he was the only lead they had at the moment and so she just had to take the risk. “It’s no secret that the man occasionally has people removed who are inconvenient to him,” she said straight out. “But when I confronted Kalinda about the check from Toronto, she said it had nothing to do with Bishop. So it seems more likely that it’s her husband who’s involved in this.”

“Yeah, that would make sense. After all, Leela is from Canada,” Blake said, well aware of the sharp sting he caused Alicia with the mention of the name. “So the danger could be coming from two sides,” he summarized, when Alicia didn’t react to his provocation, “Lemond Bishop, or her husband.”

“Like I said, we think Kalinda’s disappearance has something to do with her husband,” Alicia explained. “But we’re not entirely sure. Kalinda and I spoke about the man on the phone just yesterday, and she told me he was dangerous. I also know from Will that she quit her job and was preparing to leave town. But it doesn’t look like she followed through.”

“Okay…” Blake stretched out the word and Alicia heard him tapping his pencil onto his notepad. “I’ll see what I can dig up, and call you back in an hour.”

“And what do we do now?” Cary asked when Alicia had hung up the phone.

“Is it time to get the police involved?”

He shook his head. “You know that Kalinda has lots of friends in the police. If she thought it useful to contact them, she would have done so herself.”

“How do you know she didn’t?” Alicia wrinkled her forehead. “Does she still go to the same bars?”

“As far as I know, yes.”

“Then let’s check there. Maybe somebody knows something that can help us.”

“Now?” he asked. “It’s 1:00 P.M.. Who do you think you’ll find there?”

“Do you have a better idea?” Alicia repeated Cary’s words. “I don’t want to lose any more time.” She grabbed her handbag and was out the door.

Cary followed her, and Alicia observed as he turned the top lock and slammed the door shut. “It’s not as good as the deadbolt, but it’s better than nothing.” Together they rushed back to Alicia’s car.

 

* * *

 

“I wonder what Blake’s phone number was doing on Kalinda’s armchair?” Cary said as they stood in the first bar, waiting for the owner. “Why would she have wanted to call him?”

Alicia shrugged. There were so many things about Kalinda she didn’t understand. Trying to find a clue as to her location was like the proverbial search for the needle in a haystack. Just when the owner of the bar finally showed up, Alicia’s phone rang and she gestured to Cary that he should talk to him alone. She picked up once she was a few steps away from the bar. “Diane? Is it something urgent?”

“Hello Alicia. No, I just wanted to ask how it was going.” Diane’s voice sounded worried. “Have you found out anything?”

“No, we were at Kalinda’s apartment, but she wasn’t there. We’re following another lead now…”

“One minute…” Alicia heard Diane sending two co-workers back out of her office. A moment later she heard the door shut and Diane picked up the receiver again. “Could it be that she’s on the road?”

“Not likely, her car is standing in front of her place.”

“And if she left the city without her car?”

Alicia took a deep breath of air. “We don’t think that’s very likely either.”

“Why? Is there any evidence to suggest this?”

Alicia hesitated when she heard the signal of call-waiting. “Diane, I’m sorry, I have another call coming in…”

“Alright then,” Diane had gone back to her usual businesslike tone. “Keep me updated then.”

Alicia promised and then hung up to take the other call. “Hello? Blake?”

“This is Will,” said the surprised voice of her boss. “Am I calling at a bad time? I just wanted to ask how it’s going.”

Alicia rolled her eyes. Good thing Kalinda wasn’t seeing how her usually professional bosses were acting like worried parents. Then she would have left the city for sure. “We’re in the middle of investigating,” she tried to reassure Will. “We’re not really sure of anything yet, just that she’s not at home.”

“I thought so,” he sighed. “Will you let me know if you find out anything?”

“Of course.” Alicia saw from the corner of her eye that Cary had finished talking to the bar owner. “I have to get back to Cary, Will. I’ll let you know when there’s news.”

As he came towards her, Cary signaled the outcome of the conversation with a thumbs-down. “The man was willing to help us, but it turned out he didn’t know anything at all,” he vented his anger once they had left the bar. “I hope he won’t call the police.”

“Did you tell him not to?” Alicia opened up her umbrella. The rain, which had been but a soft drizzle when they had entered the bar, had now turned into a heavy downpour. Luckily her daughter Grace had heard the weather report that morning and warned her to take an umbrella.

“Of course I did. But who knows what he’ll do?” Cary tucked himself in under her umbrella.

Alicia was just about to reply something when her cell rang again. This time it was Blake, and Alicia squeezed herself, along with Cary and the umbrella, into a doorway so as to better understand him. “I have two pieces of information that could be of interest to you.” Blake cut right to the chase. “The first is that Kalinda did not touch her bank account in the last couple of days. The second is that her husband bought some empty industrial buildings in Chicago not too long ago.”

“You think it might be worth paying them a visit?” Alicia held her breath. They finally had a lead.

“It would at least be worth a try.” Blake gave her three addresses. “I’ll call when I find out more,” he said and hung up, before Alicia could thank him.

“What is it?” Cary urged her, when he saw the expression on her face.

“We’re calling off the bar-hopping and driving by some buildings that belong to Kalinda’s husband.” Alicia closed her umbrella and rushed to her car through the pouring rain. Cary could hardly keep up with her.

“You mean Leela’s husband.” he corrected, out of breath. “Ms Sharma never got married.”

“Whatever,” Alicia replied over her shoulder, and quickened her steps.

Five minutes later, they sat in her car, drenched to the bone and gasping for breath. Alicia started the car right away. The first address Blake had given her, a property on County Line Street, was in the far eastern side of the city. It would take them a while to get there.

Cary kept glancing at the speedometer with a worried look as she was constantly well above the speed limit regardless of the wet roads. “You know, you have to stop at every red light anyway,” he reminded her.

“I know,” she sighed. “Aren’t you worried we might be too late?”

“Oh yes, I am,” he replied, “But we’ll be even later if we’re stopped for speeding.”

“You’re right.” Alicia relaxed back into her seat a bit and tried to adjust to the pace of Chicago traffic. It was only a few more miles now.

They never would have found the building without GPS. It took them through a confusing labyrinth of one-way streets before finally ending up in County Line Street, at the end of which stood a large deserted warehouse.

“This must be it.” Alicia rushed out of her car and stopped after a few steps to see why Cary wasn’t following her. She walked to his side of the car and saw him sticking a gun into his coat pocket. "I didn't know you've got a gun..."

“Who knows what we’ll come across here,” he said without looking at her and got out of the car. 

The rain had stopped meanwhile and they left their wet coats in the car when they went to the warehouse. It was huge and had at least three entrances, but Cary and Alicia decided it would be best to take one of the less noticeable side-entrances. They first tried a small entrance on the north side, and to their surprise the rusty door gave way when Alicia pushed against it. Once she had closed it behind her as quietly as possible, they both stood still for a couple moments, waiting for their eyes to adjust to the near-darkness inside. By the small streaks of light the narrow windows under the ceiling let in, they could eventually make out their surroundings.

They had expected an empty warehouse, but the immense space before them was packed full of shipping containers and towers of empty pallets. Whether the containers had cargo in them wasn’t clear, but the place certainly wasn’t as empty and out-of-use as Blake had assumed. 

Alicia took off her shoes to avoid making any noise on the concrete floor and placed them beside the door. Cary followed her lead and did the same. They communicated by way of hand signals that they would go in different directions: Alicia to the left, Cary to the right.

Slowly and carefully, with her heart pounding in her chest, Alicia crept along the sides of the containers, row after row, while Cary made his way along the other wall. She saw nothing to indicate that there was anybody else here with them. But when Alicia had reached the end of the outer row of containers, her heart stopped when she noticed a rusty forklift near the wall and behind it, on the floor, the fingertips of a hand.

Alicia stared at the fingertips to see if they moved. When they hadn’t done so for five minutes, she decided the person behind the forklift must be either unconscious or dead. So she worked up the courage and tip-toed to the forklift. Slowly, she peeked around the corner and saw a man lying on the floor. Under his back was a dark puddle, probably blood, and in his other hand was a gun. She knelt down and carefully placed a hand on his face. She shuddered at how cold he felt.

When Alicia got up she was overcome by a second shudder, as only a few meters away lay a second man. His upper body was slumped against the side of a container, and his legs lay twisted underneath him. Next to him lay a gun which must have fallen from his hand. His eyes were staring into an infinite emptiness and Alicia didn’t need to touch him to see that he was dead.

Had the two men shot each other? And where for heaven’s sake was Kalinda? Alicia jumped when she heard a noise close by. She was relieved to see that it was only Cary who appeared from behind one of the containers. He looked down at the two bodies, the gun shining in his hand as he waved Alicia over to him. “We’ll take care of these two later,” he whispered. “I found a staircase over there.” He gestured in the direction from which he had come. “We should be able to see the whole warehouse from up there.”

“Wouldn’t we be the perfect target on that staircase?” Alicia whispered back.

“I honestly don’t think there’s anyone else here, besides us.”

 _No one that’s alive, you mean,_ Alicia thought, but didn’t say it out loud. Instead she whispered, “Let’s give it a try,” and let Cary lead her to the staircase.

The steps were out of rusty steel, which meant at least they didn’t creak, but the gridded mesh cut painfully into Alicia’s bare feet. Once at the top, they did indeed have a view of the entire warehouse, yet in the dim light it was difficult to make out any details. As far as they could see there didn’t seem to be anyone else here and Alicia breathed out, relieved. At least nobody would shoot them in the back. 

“There!” Cary suddenly exclaimed and pointed to a place amidst the containers that stood near the middle of the warehouse. 

Alicia had difficulty following his shaking finger, but then she saw it. It looked like a human figure. “Oh god…” she let out, and suddenly all caution was forgotten. As fast as she could, she rushed down the stairs and ran to the spot between the containers that Cary had pointed to. 

It was Kalinda.

As with the second dead man, her upper body was slumped against a container. Her eyes were closed, and when Alicia knelt down to her she noticed a thick rope that tied her to a steel column tucked between two containers. Around her was a huge puddle of blood, and Alicia worriedly looked for the source. There! A shot had obviously hit her left shoulder, and another her right thigh. Time slowed to an unbearable pace as Alicia took Kalinda’s wrist to feel for a pulse. She felt as if she was going to throw up any minute, but forced herself to calm down. Then finally she felt it, a soft weak pulse. “Cary!” she screamed as loud as she could. “Call an ambulance! Quick!”

Cary tore off his shirt as soon as he reached her, and together they tried their best to stop further bleeding. “I know she won’t like it,” he said as he tightened the fabric around Kalinda’s wounds. “But now, we can’t avoid getting the police involved.”

Alicia just nodded and didn’t say anything. Her lips wouldn’t move. Her hands trembled and performed the necessary actions on their own. They found a box cutter with which they cut the ropes and carefully lowered her onto her side into the recovery position. Alicia took off her coat and spread it over the blood-soaked Kalinda. Then she sat down on the cold concrete floor next to her, a hand on her pale cheek, and waited for the ambulance.


	2. Part 2 - Squaring the Circle

Twenty painfully long minutes later, they finally heard approaching sirens. Cary ran outside to show them the way, while Alicia stayed with Kalinda. Soon the police arrived as well, immediately demanding information about the situation. Thankfully Cary was able to convince them that it would be sufficient for them to speak just to him for now, allowing Alicia to accompany Kalinda to the hospital. 

“We have to bring your colleague all the way over to Northwestern,” one of the paramedics said to Alicia as he closed the doors of the ambulance. “The hospitals that are closer are all jam-packed because of a huge accident on the freeway and wouldn’t be able to operate right away.”

Alicia wanted to travel in the ambulance with Kalinda, but was held up by the police who wanted to take down her personal information before they would let her go. As a result she had to follow the ambulance in her own car, this time driving much more carefully, as she was well aware that she wasn’t in the best mental state to be driving. Should she call Will or Diane? It would probably be better to do that later -– they’d only get worried now as it wasn’t certain whether Kalinda would survive. The paramedics had refused to offer a prognosis.

Alicia sighed when she reached the parking lot of Northwestern Hospital. She didn’t have the fondest memories of this place, and as expected, it took ages until the lady at the emergency room front desk could finally tell her what doctor was responsible for Kalinda and whereabouts she was. “Your colleague is still in the operating room, Ma’am,” the woman told her in a Latin-American accent. She was small and wrinkly, Alicia guessed her to be over sixty, and her person radiated about as much kindness as a broomstick. “It’ll be at least another two hours till she’s outta there,” the prune lady carried on. “I suggest you use the time to run some errands, our waiting rooms are all crowded.” 

“Can somebody tell me how she’s doing?”

“Sorry Ma’am.” The Prune shook her head. “You’re not family.”

“Yes, I know.” Alicia suppressed a sigh. “Could you at least call me, when Ms. Sharma gets out of surgery?”

“Sorry Ma’am,” the Prune repeated. “If we were to call everyone here who…”

“Alright.” Alicia defensively flung up her hands. “I’ll just come back here in two hours then,” she threatened, but it didn’t seem to move the woman. She didn’t feel capable of sitting around on a chair somewhere, so Alicia decided to go for a walk in the park next to the hospital.

For over an hour and a half she walked through the park in all possible directions, until she felt like she had seen every corner of the grounds. Eventually her feet started to ache and Alicia decided to rest for a while on a park bench. From there her view settled upon a small café that belonged to the hospital, and made her realize that she hadn’t eaten since seven o’clock in the morning. But while her colleague was fighting for her life only a few meters away, she knew she wouldn’t be able to stomach a single bite. 

After some time Cary called to ask whether he should come by (she told him not to bother.) Then Blake called with some new information (she told him that they had found Kalinda and that his assignment was over.) And only a few minutes later Grace called, to ask why her mother hadn’t picked them up from school. “Mom, you promised you’d pick us up today,” she complained. “You know Zach’s car is being repaired.”

“Oh gosh, Grace!” Alicia touched her forehead. She had completely forgotten. “I’m so sorry. I know, I promised, but something’s come up.”

The accusing tone in Grace’s voice changed to a worried one. “Are you okay, Mom? You sound weird.”

Alicia closed her eyes when, for the first time today, tears shot to her eyes. “No, Grace, everything’s fine. Don’t worry, I just can’t pick you up today.” She wiped her hand across her eyes. “Will you call yourselves a cab?”

“Okay, if you say so.” Grace didn’t seem too convinced.

“I have to go now, Grace,” Alicia lied. “Say hi to Zach from me and tell him I’m sorry. I’ll see you tonight.”

Hanging up, Alicia knew she would have to talk to Grace later to make sure she didn’t get the feeling that she was being neglected. Ever since Alicia had started working again, Grace was hyper-sensitive to her mother’s absences, and every time it gnawed at Alicia’s conscience. Though Zach and Grace were as little responsible for Alicia being a single mother as she was, they were the ones who suffered most because of the new direction Alicia’s life had been taking.

Sighing, Alicia rose from her bench and paid the Prune another visit. She was sent away again but didn’t give up so easily this time and was back after fifteen minutes. Apparently the operation was taking much longer than expected, and Alicia wasn’t sure whether she should take this as a good or a bad sign. A whole seven times she came back to the desk, and each time the Prune showed a little more kindness, even though it was barely perceptible. On the seventh time, she even had a thin smile for Alicia. “You’re in luck this time, Mrs. Florrick,” she rasped. “Ms. Sharma has just left the O.R.”

 

***

 

The hallway of the intensive care unit felt like Grand Central Station. Doors were constantly opening and closing, nurses rushing from one room to the next. Only the doctors moved at a decidedly slower pace, striding along the corridors with an air of importance about them. Alicia had already approached two of them, but failed to receive any information concerning Kalinda. As she wasn’t a relative, they couldn’t disclose any information about the patient’s state, neither was she allowed to see her. Even Alicia’s assertion that she was Ms. Sharma’s lawyer didn’t impress anyone.

What to do? Alicia stood at a window with crossed arms and looked down over the inner courtyard of the building. She was so worried that she didn’t see any of the scenery down there, neither the playing children, nor the dog that indignantly barked at a patient in a wheelchair. Kalinda, in this situation, would have known all about the state of every single patient in this hospital by now. She probably wouldn’t even have tried the arrogant doctors but would have batted her eyes at a nurse and poured out some heart-wrenching story. The nurse would have given her everything she wanted to know, as well as her phone number, so they could have coffee some time. Kalinda would have taken the number with a charming smile and never call her. But Alicia wasn’t very good at acting or at inventing stories, and least of all at eye-batting. So she would have to find another way.

It was time to pull out all the stops and call Will. Alicia took out her phone and left the intensive care unit, as cell phones weren’t allowed in there. Will answered right away and was shocked when he heard about what had happened in the last few hours. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked again and again despite Alicia assuring him that she was. “Well, as you know, we’ve represented the Northwestern in several malpractice suits,” he thought out loud, and she heard him looking for the file in the background. “I’ll talk to the director of the hospital. Then we’ll know more.”

“Great, Will. That’s what I had hoped.” Alicia said, relieved. “Maybe Professor Winter remembers me.”

Alicia decided to go back to the park, but Will called her back before she even had left the building. He had spoken to Professor Winter, who had been very eager to do anything he could. “It looks like Kalinda will have to stay in intensive care for at least another three days,” Will told her. “She’s still in a critical condition.”

“Did the operation go well?”

“Sort of…” Alicia noticed that Will held back for a minute. Apparently the situation got to him more than he would admit. “Luckily the bullets were in places that didn’t make it overly complicated to remove them. However Kalinda had lost so much blood that she had to be resuscitated several times in the course of the operation.”

“My god.” Alicia leaned against a wall. It felt cold against her back despite the coat that she was still wearing. “And now?”

“Now we’ll have to wait and see.”

Alicia let her head sink back against the cool wall and closed her eyes. She hated doing that: waiting and seeing. “How long until they can say her life’s out of danger?”

“I asked Professor Winter that as well, but he wouldn’t give me a clear answer. He did say that she will be out of the woods more or less if she makes it through the night.” Will was silent for a while. “You still there?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m thinking about whether it would be possible to see her.”

He laughed quietly. “I’ve taken care of that. I told Professor Winter that Kalinda Sharma has no close relatives and that you’re the person that is closest to her.”

“Me?” Alicia’s handbag slipped from her hand and landed on the grey vinyl floor with a muffled thud. “Kalinda isn’t close to anyone.”

“Exactly,” he confirmed matter-of-factly. “I don’t know anyone she’s closer to than you though, so it’s the truth.”

Alicia wrinkled her forehead. She was reminded of what Kalinda had said to her on the day she had confronted her about spending the night with Peter. _I don’t have friends, Alicia,_ she had said. _You were a friend._ Alicia had been far too angry then to understand, but now she started to realize the full meaning of these words. For some reason, Kalinda made an exception for her and it was time Alicia started acting like a friend as well. “So I can see her?” she asked Will.

“Yes. Professor Winter promised he’d make the necessary arrangements for it to be possible.”

“Thank you, Will.” Alicia took a deep breath. “I’ll get back to intensive care.”

“Okay,” he said in an almost affectionate tone that reminded her of back when they had their affair. “Take care of yourself, Alicia.”

“You too.” Alicia hung up and picked up her handbag from the floor. Would Kalinda even want her to be there? Probably not, but Alicia was certain she wouldn’t get any sleep tonight without at least having seen her. So Kalinda would just have to get over the fact that her colleagues worried about her and would see her in situations that she couldn’t control.

With hurried steps, Alicia made her way back to the intensive care unit, and waited impatiently in front of the double-winged doors behind which Kalinda was to be found. _Enter Only With Permission_ was written on the door in large letters, and so Alicia had no choice but to wait for a nurse. A long ten minutes passed before finally a nurse came through the doors. Alicia was at her heels immediately. “Excuse me, Nurse…” she glanced at her name tag, “Evelyn. … Professor Winter approved that I see a patient of yours, Ms. Kalinda Sharma?”

“Wait until I get back, then I’ll take care of it,” she said briskly, then disappeared in another room labelled _Sanitation_. A few minutes later she reappeared, but walked right past Alicia and back through the double-winged doors from which she had come. Alicia was worried Nurse Evelyn had forgotten her request, but then the doors swung open once more and a much friendlier nurse asked Alicia to come in.

“Nurse Petra,” she introduced herself as Alicia stepped through the doors.

“Alicia Florrick.” Alicia nodded thankfully. “How long can I stay?”

“As long as you’d like, if you don’t disturb any of the other patients.” Petra gestured to the twenty beds that filled the room in two neat rows. About half of the patients were conscious, though still in a near comatose state. The others seemed to be under anaesthetics or asleep. Apart from Alicia, there were three other visitors in the room, each sitting by the bed in silence. Nobody spoke, and the only sounds were the regular beeping of the machines and the steps of the nurses. 

Alicia looked at Nurse Petra questioningly, and she pointed to a bed in the very back near the window. Her hands were shaking when she went down the row of beds with quiet steps. There lay Kalinda’s slender body amidst innumerable machines and tubes. She was hooked up to a ventilator, and Alicia was glad that she hadn’t woken up yet. For someone who liked to have things under control as much as Kalinda did, it would be awful to not even have control over her own breathing. 

Kalinda’s face was still just as pale as it had been in the warehouse, but the blood had been washed from her skin and Alicia could now see a small head-wound that she hadn’t noticed before. Never had Kalinda’s body seemed so small and frail. With her immaculate posture and the high-heeled leather boots she always wore, she made such an impression that nobody ever noticed how small she actually was. But now, in this hospital gown, she almost looked like a child and Alicia felt the impulse to sit down on her bed and hold her hand. 

Of course she fought back this impulse, and instead pulled up a chair and sat by the window near her bed. _Who are you, Kalinda Sharma?_ she thought as she looked at her. Was she looking at Kalinda or at Leela? What kind of person had Leela been? And what parts of her did Kalinda still carry within her? Were Leela’s parents still alive? Did she have siblings? Or friends, that she had left behind? Or even children?

Alicia asked herself whether this new identity, which she seemed to have taken on only a few years ago, still made sense now that her husband had found out who and where she was. Would she have to disappear once again? And why hadn’t she already done so? What had stopped her from running away to safety? Apparently she had had everything ready to do so, but then hadn’t after all.

Alicia doubted that she would ever find out the whole truth. She had used to blame it on Kalinda’s personality that she was so quiet and reserved when it came to her private life. Now she was no longer certain what was due to her character and what was due to the fact that she had, for years, lived a life on the run.

She wasn’t completely sure of even this though. Kalinda loved her work at Lockhart & Gardner, and she was always readily getting herself into danger and welcomed the challenge. She had seemed so comfortable, not like someone who needed to hide. It had always been apparent that she didn’t want to get close to anything or anyone, but that didn’t necessarily have to be because of her new identity. Maybe Leela had been distant herself. Or had it been Leela’s experiences that had created Kalinda?

Alicia held back a sigh. None of this was important now. What was important was that Kalinda survived the night and healed from her wounds as quickly as possible. Only now that Alicia sat in her chair with nothing more to do did she notice how tired she was. Above all, she was thirsty and she asked Nurse Petra for a glass of water which she emptied in slow gulps while waiting by Kalinda’s bed. How vulnerable and in need of protection she looked now, but Alicia knew that once she regained consciousness she would make the nurses’ lives a lot more difficult. She wouldn’t let them tell her what to do, and that was a grave violation in hospitals. Alicia smiled as she thought of how Kalinda would drive Nurse Evelyn up the wall.

The large clock above the double-winged doors read past 7:00 P.M., and Alicia knew it was high time for her to get going. Zach and Grace would be starting to get worried by now, and she couldn’t even call them from here.

But what if Kalinda didn’t make it through the night? Would she be able to drive home and make dinner as usual, like nothing was wrong, with this uncertainty looming over her? On the other hand, there was absolutely nothing she could do for Kalinda, other than sit by her bed -- quite apart from the fact that her colleague would probably want to be alone anyway when she woke.

Alicia got up with a heavy heart. Following a spontaneous impulse, she leant over the bed and placed her hand on Kalinda’s pale cheek. “You’re a fighter, Kalinda,” she whispered in her ear. “Don’t give up now.”

Then she straightened up and quietly walked over to Nurse Petra. “Where can I ask about her tomorrow?” she whispered.

“It’s easiest if you just call the front desk.” But when she saw Alicia discreetly glancing at the ceiling she added, “You’re also welcome to come back here, of course.”

“I would like to.” Alicia gave her an exhausted smile. “When is the ventilator being removed?”

“If all goes well, the doctors will decide on that tomorrow morning.”

“Thank you for your help, Nurse Petra.” Alicia gave Kalinda one last look. “You’ll hear from me.”


	3. Part 3 - Squaring the Circle

Lost in thought, Alicia stood in her kitchen and washed the same bowl for the third time. The evening was stretching out like rubbery chewing gum and Alicia couldn't stop thinking about the situation at the Northwestern ICU. In the living room Zach and Grace were watching TV but Alicia didn’t feel like joining them – it was a stupid, boring show that had always gotten on her nerves. However, there weren’t any more dishes to do and she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the files sitting on her dining table either. So what was she supposed to do with the rest of the evening? Alicia pulled the plug from the kitchen sink and watched the water trickling slowly down the drain. Maybe Owen was free and could distract her from her gloomy thoughts? It was at least worth a try.

Fortunately, Owen was indeed available that night and they agreed on meeting at 9:30 P.M. at the _Strongbow_ – an Irish bar that definitely wouldn’t have been Alicia’s first choice, but Owen loved the place and since he was doing her a favor she went along with it. 

“Bruce is in Boston anyway,” he told her when they met at the counter of the bar. “And there’s nothing on to watch other than straight relationship dramas without any connection to reality.”

“Bruce?” Alicia joined her brother at the bar. “What about Matthew?”

“Matthew is history by now.” He made a deprecating gesture.

“I thought Matthew was a firecracker?”

“Yes, he was.” In Owens voice was a hint of remorse. “But it’s all fizzled out now.”

“Sounds like quick fireworks.” Alicia gave the barkeeper a sign and ordered a Guinness. Any beverage was fine with her as long as it contained alcohol. “Are you okay, Owen?”

“Yes, of course.” He gave her a brave smile. “Fireworks are always limited in duration.”

“And Bruce?”

“Bruce is…” He made a face. “…. Bruce.”

“That doesn’t sound like Mr. Right.” Alicia patted his shoulder. “But I’m sure you’ll find him one day.”

“Oh, I’d rather wait a while longer,” he protested with a laugh. “Now that I’m thinking about it Bruce is very okay.” He clinked glasses with Alicia as soon as they got their beers, a Kilkenny for him and a Guinness for Alicia. “And what’s keeping you from sleeping? You look awful, if I may say so.”

“Yes, I’m sorry. I got caught in a torrential shower in the afternoon.” Alicia looked down her clothes as if she hadn’t gotten changed since then.

He shot a glance at her that told her it was fruitless to try to put him off. “Does it have to do with Will?” he probed. “You are so not done with this, Alicia. I know you haven’t ...”

“No, it doesn’t have anything to do with Will”, she interrupted him abruptly. Maybe it hadn’t been a good idea to spend the evening with her brother after all. He was supposed to distract her, not to talk about the complications in her life.

“Now that’s a step in the right direction.” His face brightened. “A new lover? You’ve only got that look when it’s about a man.”

“No, it’s not.” Alicia shook her head in frustration. She had never talked much about work with Owen and she didn’t intend to start now. “It would be a long story,” she argued. “Let’s talk about something else, okay? Have you talked to Mom lately?”

“Listen, Alicia.” He got up and moved his bar stool closer to hers. “You are much too buttoned-up. One day you’ll give yourself a stomach ulcer.” With a sway he sat back on his stool. “Now tell me, Sis. What’s going on with you? And why do you look like hell?”

“I don’t know…” Alicia sighed. “Will you promise me that Zach or Grace won’t hear anything of this?”

“No problem. Scout’s honor!” He eagerly raised two fingers. “You know how discreet I am.”

“Exactly.” Alicia put his arm down. Everybody knew that discretion wasn’t Owen’s strong point. On the other hand she was going to think about Kalinda all night anyway, so maybe it would make things a little easier if she shared some of her fears. “Do you remember when Zach told you that Peter had cheated on me with another person?”

“Of course I remember.” Owen raised his brows. “Is this still going on? Honestly, Alicia, he doesn’t deserve you…”

“No, it’s not going on anymore.” Alicia shook her head. This was even more difficult than she had expected. “I told you it was a long story…”

“Okay, got it,” he said with a guilty look on his face. “I won’t interrupt you anymore.”

So Alicia started to tell him about her first days at Lockhart & Gardner, about Kalinda, about their great working relationship, about the brutal rift between them, about both of their efforts to approach each other again, and finally about the latest events.

Contrary to habit, Owen listened to her quietly and interrupted her only once to order another beer. More than anything else he was interested in what happened during the last two days and he wanted Alicia to describe the events in more detail. “So your colleague had already quit, but then she didn’t come for the money that Will had promised her?” he asked. 

“Yes.” Alicia sipped on her Guinness. 

“And at home she had packed her things and then unpacked them again?”

“It looks like it. We don’t know for sure, it doesn’t make any sense.”

“I think it makes perfect sense.”

“What do you mean?” Alicia dropped her glass, puzzled. “What makes sense?”

“Well, you just said that your colleague came to your office the day before she disappeared, right?” Alicia nodded. “And you said it was unusual for her to come into the room instead of waving a quick good-bye through the glass walls?” Alicia nodded again. “Then it was supposed to be a final good-bye,” he decided. “But you said something to her when you two talked in your office, didn’t you?”

“Owen, I’ve already told you what happened,” Alicia said impatiently. “This unknown man called me several times, even at home, yet I had never given him my name, let alone my address. So I asked Kalinda whether he was dangerous and she said yes. And when I pressed further she eventually admitted that the calls had to do with her husband.” Alicia glanced at her cellphone to check whether she’d gotten any news from the hospital. The ICU had promised to call her if Kalinda’s condition worsened and Alicia was relieved to just see the normal display of her BlackBerry. “So what’s the sense in all this?” she repeated her question. 

Owen shook his head about his slow-witted sister. “Considering all the criminal cases you have to deal with every day you can be thick as a brick sometimes.” He laid his arm around her protectively. “It’s completely obvious that your Kalinda changed her mind because of you.”

Alicia looked at him dumbfounded. She had already a word of protest on the tip of her tongue, but at the same time she thought of the chair in Kalinda’s apartment and about Cary’s assumption that Kalinda must have sat there waiting for somebody. Had Kalinda really, like Cary said, unpacked her bag because she had decided to let herself be found? In that case she must have…

“Your colleague risked her life for you,” Owen said seriously. “After you told her that her husband knew who and where you were, she changed her plan.”

Alicia rested her chin on her hand. She couldn’t think of an argument that disproved Owen’s theory. Could it actually have happened like that? Did Kalinda stay in Chicago because of her? Not that it had been necessary before, but no one had ever risked their life for her. Except Kalinda.

“It’s kind of fair that you’ve just saved her life.” Owen smiled. “It’s tremendously romantic, don’t you think?” His voice became lyrical.

“Owen!” Alicia sent him a reproving look.

“What?” he defended himself. “It’s called love, Alicia. Your colleague must have a hell of a crush on you. Do you know if she’s straight or is she…”

“Would you please drop it, Owen,” Alicia interrupted him. She felt overwhelmed with the unexpected direction the conversation had taken all of a sudden. The whole situation was much too serious to play one of Owen’s adolescent games, but this was so like him. She’d better let the matter rest and change the subject to something else. “Did Zach tell you that he’s seeing a girl?” she asked instead and ordered another beer. “I really like her and have invited her to dinner already.”

“Don’t try to change the subject”, Owen urged. “Just think of it, Alicia. Your colleague was ready to leave everything behind to start a new life somewhere else. She must have had a good reason for that -- for instance that her life was in danger.”

“Yes, I know,” Alicia sighed. Giving up her life here must have been hard for Kalinda, even if she had always made sure that she could fold up her tent any time. 

“Good.” Owen nodded, quite pleased with his line of argument. “And if you were in her shoes, what would be an even more important reason that would make you change your mind?”

“Owen, I’m not one of your students,” Alicia murmured disgruntled. “And life is different from your mathematical formulas. You don’t know Kalinda. She… she…,” Alicia gestured helplessly in the air. “She does these things… She’s… Kalinda.”

“Uhuh,” Owen said, not really convinced.

At least he dropped the topic, and they talked about other things for the rest of the evening. In the end Alicia was glad that she had decided to call Owen. She didn’t know anyone else who could tell stories as entertainingly as he did. So the evening passed quicker than she had feared and she even tried to draw out their time together a bit for she was afraid of the upcoming night. But she had court scheduled in the morning and needed to get at least a few hours of sleep so that she would be able to represent her client properly. 

Thanks to the alcohol she was able to fall asleep as soon as she lay down in her bed, though it couldn’t prevent her from sitting bolt-upright in her bed at five o’clock in the morning. She got up at six to examine her files for the trial and then woke up the kids. It didn’t escape Grace’s and Zach’s notice that their mother was worried about something, so she told them at breakfast that one of her colleagues had been admitted to hospital. She kept to herself that she was talking about Kalinda though. 

Before leaving to court she called Northwestern and heard from the Prune that Kalinda was still in the ICU – which meant that she must have made it through the night. “Would you please put me through to the ICU?” Alicia asked, excited. She was so relieved about the good news that she forgot to tell the Prune about the information and visitor’s permit that Professor Winter had given her. Logically, the lady refused to forward the call at first, but when Alicia cleared up the misunderstanding, she willingly connected her with the ICU. Seconds later Alicia learned that Kalinda’s stats were, under the circumstances, satisfying and that her doctors intended to remove the respirator within the next hours. 

Just to air her relief Alicia sent a text to Owen, before she hurried out of the apartment to be in court on time. Owen wrote back immediately and told her that he couldn’t wait “to meet our little hero.” Her brother just couldn’t let it go, but Alicia was too relieved to let him upset her. 

In retrospect Alicia was grateful that she had prepared herself for the trial so early in the morning. Her client, the manager of one of the biggest banks in Chicago, was accused of having deliberately forged signatures in order to enrich himself personally. He, however, rejected all accusations and had retained Lockart & Gardner to represent him. Originally Will had been responsible for the case but when he was temporarily suspended it landed on Alicia’s desk. After searching through files and talking to Kalinda, Alicia had become convinced that her client was, in spite of his protestations, indeed guilty of the charges. Notwithstanding she was in such a good form in court that she argued the opposing counsel into the ground. As a result, the judge quickly came to the conclusion that there was not enough evidence to prove the defendant’s guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. 

Alicia’s client was probably the most surprised person in the room and in the first flush of excitement he spontaneously invited Alicia to dinner. But Alicia put him off with a smile. “Consider this a lesson,” she whispered to him and left the puzzled guy flat-footed in the courtroom. 

Word of Alicia’s victory got about the firm very quickly, so that many colleagues patted her shoulder as soon as she walked into Lockhart & Gardner. Just as she entered her office, Diane waved to her and gestured for her to come over through the glass walls. 

“Well done, Alicia. Congratulations,” she said with a smile when Alicia knocked at her door. Then her face became more serious. “Do you have news about Kalinda?”

“Fortunately she made it through the night,” Alicia reported, not trying to hide her relief. “Professor Winter told me that’s half the battle. And it looks like her stats are pretty good.”

“Thank God.” Diane sighed with relief. “Is she still in the ICU?”

“She needs to be under medical surveillance for a while,” Alicia explained. “To be honest, I wanted to ask you if I can take the next two hours off so that I can drive to the hospital.”

Diane tilted her head and looked through the glasswalls to the piles of paperwork on Alicia’s desk. “I assume that you will make up the time by staying longer tonight?”

“Of course.”

“Then I don’t see a problem.” Diane bent over her documents again. “Please send her our regards if she’s concious. We are thinking of her.” 

“I will.” Alicia quickly left Diane’s office and left a message on Cary’s desk, before she went to the elevators. Originally she had intended to ask him about his statement to the police but Courtney had informed her that he was in court with Will the whole day. It was 2:00 P.M. when Alicia stood in front of the elevators again and pressed the button three times, well aware that this method wouldn’t quicken the elevator one bit. At this time of the day so many people were coming back from their lunch break that it usually took several minutes until an elevator car arrived. While Alicia was waiting in the hallway, arms crossed before her chest, she heard Courtney in her office talking about Kalinda with two other assistants. Cary had probably taken care that Kalinda’s medical condition was the topic of the day at Lockhart & Gardner. He loved playing the hero and usually didn’t miss an opportunity to let other people know about it. 

Alicia didn’t intend to eavesdrop but she couldn’t avoid hearing the clerks’ conversation. “It would be dreadful for the firm if Kalinda died,” she heard Elizabeth saying. “I kind of like her, but the odds aren’t in her favor.”

“Well, Kalinda’s a tough one,” Wendy objected. “She will make it.”

“Believe me, she’s not as tough as she looks,” Courtney pointed out. “I bet that sometimes it’s just a fassade.”

“What do you mean?” Wendy asked. “Of course Kalinda will make it. Have you ever seen anything shake her?”

“Well I have, actually.” Alicia could hear Courtney pouring some coffee into her mug. “It was a while ago, but one day I saw her leaving Alicia Florrick’s office. The two must have had a fight or something, because Kalinda looked like a wreck. She was white as a sheet when she walked through the office and I thought she would collapse any second. She made it to the elevators somehow but I’m pretty sure she had some sort of a breakdown in there.”

“Our Kalinda? You’re kidding,” Wendy protested in disbelief. “Are you sure you didn’t just imagine that?”

“No, I didn’t,” Courtney defended herself. “I was in my office when it happened.”

“Actually I can see that happening,” came Elizabeth to her rescue. “She’s in Florrick’s office all the time. The other lawyers have been complaining for quite a while that Florrick only has to snap her finger and…”

Alicia didn’t hear the rest of the sentence because the elevator arrived and the door was closing behind her. Deep in thought, her brows furrowed, she arrived at the parking garage. Was Courtney telling the truth? Alicia had always thought that she had been the only one who lost her composure that day. Involuntarily Owen’s comment forced itself into Alicia’s consciousness and she immediately pushed it aside again. But the questions remained. Why was Kalinda different with her than with anybody else? Why had she risked her life for her? Who was she to Kalinda?

 

* * *

 

Alicia turned up the volume of the radio as she drove to Northwestern Hospital. For some reason she felt nervous -– maybe because she had never visited Kalinda in a private capacity. Letting the day end together in a bar after work and meeting in the ICU of a hospital were two very different things. 

Like the day before, Alicia had to wait in front of the double doors until a nurse stepped out of the room. Much to her regret Nurse Petra was off today, but the nurse who eventually appeared in the doorway seemed to be friendly too. She explained that Kalinda’s respirator had indeed been removed in the morning as well as two catheters. “Would you please ask Ms. Sharma if she’s okay with me visiting?” Alicia asked the nurse and nervously licked her lips when the nurse nodded and disappeared behind the door again. 

For quite a while nothing happened and Alicia was worried that Kalinda didn’t want to see her. But finally the door opened and the nurse invited her into the quiet room. Two more beds had been added so that there was even less space than before. With great care Alicia moved through the rows of beds trying to avoid any collisions with bed frames or instruments. 

When she saw Kalinda she noticed that she was lying in her bed in exactly the same position as the day before, flat on her back, the face towards the ceiling. The injured shoulder and the tubes probably didn’t allow any other position and Alicia hoped that the nurses took care that Kalinda got enough pain killers, as she certainly wouldn’t ask for them on her own.

When Alicia stepped up to her bed, Kalinda turned her head ever so slightly and her dark eyes looked at Alicia. “Hi,” she whispered and it sounded as if it was the first word she had spoken for a very long time. 

“Hi,” Alicia responded equally quiet and moved the chair to the bed that she had used last time. “I just wanted to check on you,” she whispered. Kalinda nodded weakly and turned her face back towards the ceiling. Alicia could see how painful the move was and it made her heart ache. “Just pretend I’m not here,” she suggested. “And let me sit here for a little while.”

A faint smile flashed over Kalinda’s pale face and involuntarily Alicia followed suit. Briefly she rested her hand on Kalinda’s before she leant back in her chair. Only now did she realize that she hadn’t seen her colleague with her hair down before. Yesterday Kalinda’s face had been hidden under a bunch of tubes, but now Alicia could clearly see the dark locks. They made her face softer and more girlish –- maybe that was the reason why the investigator usually wore her hair differently. Did Leela wear her hair the same way? Alicia hadn’t given up hope that she would have the chance to learn more about Leela Tahiri one day. All she knew was that she had a dangerous husband and needed to stop existing. That wasn’t a lot considering Kalinda had been her best friend once.

Alicia’s eyes followed the long dark strands and moved to the tubes which disappeared under the blanket. If she had known how dangerous Kalinda’s husband was, she never would have made that fateful call to his company and Kalinda’s world wouldn’t have fallen to pieces. But how could she have known that an innocent phone-call to an unknown company in Toronto would provoke such a storm? Alicia was wondering whether Kalinda’s husband was waiting impatiently for his wife’s discharge from hospital. What if she was she still in danger? 

Only Kalinda herself would be able to answer the question but it was much too early for this kind of conversation. “Everyone sends their regards to you,” Alicia said quietly. “You are missed.”

With great difficulty Kalinda turned her head and looked at her directly. “Thank you.” 

It was more like a whisper but Alicia understood instinctively that her response didn’t refer to their colleagues’ regards but to the events of the previous day. But how did Kalinda know about them? Did a nurse tell her that Alicia and Cary had found her? Who had informed the nurses? “Let’s talk about this another time,” Alicia responded softly. She probably would have been the target of Kalinda’s husband, if Kalinda hadn’t intervened. Alicia felt like she was the one in Kalinda’s debt, not the other way around.

Obviously Kalinda didn’t have the strength to move her head back, the consequence being that she looked at Alicia for a long time. Alicia could see the exhaustion and fatigue in her eyes but there were also gratitude and warmth, and this time it was Alicia who averted her gaze. 

“Do you need anything from home?” she asked eventually. “Clothes or toiletries?”

Kalinda’s eyes flickered and Alicia realized instantly that she had once again crossed a line.

“If you consider that too private I can also buy whatever you need,” Alicia offered. 

But the decision seemed to be too hard to make for Kalinda and Alicia decided to postpone the question for a few days. Her back hurt from the hard chair when she got up and she stretched discreetly, before she laid her hand on Kalinda’s arm. “I’ll come back tomorrow,” she informed her. “And you will do what the nurses tell you, okay?”

The look she received reminded her so much of the Kalinda she used to work with, that Alicia had to laugh. 

“I will check up on you,” she threatened quietly when she removed her hand from Kalinda’s arm. “Get well, Kalinda. It will get easier after a few days.”

Kalinda nodded stoically and when she closed her eyes again Alicia knew that it was high time to leave the ICU. Outside the hospital’s big entrance portico she breathed in deeply. Kalinda would make it, she was sure of it now. How tiny and insignificant all her little daily hassles were in light of the good news. And how far away their falling out with each other seemed now. 

Today was a good day.


	4. Part 4 - Squaring the Circle

Over the following days, Alicia made it a habit to drive to Northwestern Hospital during her lunch break. She didn’t have the chance to do so every day, as sometimes she was in court throughout, but whenever it was possible she took the time to visit Kalinda. Seeing with her own eyes that Kalinda was on the road to recovery had such a calming effect on her that she usually returned to work with more focus. Thus it had a benefit not only for her but also for Lockhart & Gardner that she checked regularly if everything was in order at Northwestern. 

Kalinda herself didn’t ever ask Alicia to visit, but Alicia assumed that she would tell her if she minded it. Cary, for example, had wanted to drop by after Kalinda had been relocated from the ICU to the surgical ward, but Kalinda had rejected his request. The other employees of Lockhart & Gardner didn’t even think of visiting their colleague in hospital. They were glad that Alicia had taken responsibility for the unpleasent task and limited themselves to sending her get-well cards and flowers. Diane and Will wanted to be informed periodically, but they both knew that Kalinda wouldn’t like a visit from her bosses. However, they took care to see that Kalinda was given a single room with the help of Professor Winter. This made the hospital stay much more comfortable for Kalinda, in spite of her unfortunate situation.

Alicia’s first visits were quite short, since Kalinda was still heavily drugged. But by the time she was moved to the surgical ward, she had regained so much of her strength that she could talk to Alicia without any problems. Thanks to the single room they didn’t need to worry about confidentiality issues and could talk freely about their clients and other work-related topics. Kalinda was eager to know what was going on at the firm during her absence and what had happened to the cases that she had been working on herself.

Secretly, Alicia hoped that Kalinda’s interest in the firm was a sign that she would take back her resignation, but her inquiries could equally be grounded in politeness or be a strategy to avoid personal topics. Alicia for her part was so glad that Kalinda’s spirits were rising that she avoided asking questions about her plans for the future. And so, all of Alicia’s questions remained unanswered.

When away from the hospital, Alicia thought about the situation all the more. For one, she was wondering why Kalinda never asked how she and Cary had found her. And the fact that Kalinda hadn’t done so fueled her suspicion that Blake’s phone number hadn’t slipped into the armchair just by coincidence, but that this had been Kalinda’s only chance to leave a trace that could possibly lead to her whereabouts. If this was true, Kalinda had known, or at least hoped, that Alicia would break into her apartment in order to find her and would eventually contact the phone number on the small piece of paper. And this again would explain why Kalinda had thanked her on her first day at the ICU, although she couldn’t have known what had happened during her unconsciousness.

Therefore, this would mean that Kalinda was aware that Alicia had been in her apartment, so she shouldn’t have objected when Alicia offered to get a few things for her. But on this Kalinda was adamant. She definitely didn’t want Alicia to drive to her apartment, and so Alicia had had no other choice than buying some things for her. It wasn’t much: a few toiletries, undergarments, stockings, a pair of flip-flops and a pair of gym shoes. Alicia also brought her some shirts and pants from her daughter Grace -- they were at least better than the hospital gown.

Alicia had difficulty holding back a comment when she saw Kalinda in one of Grace’s shirts for the very first time. The investigator was usually so immaculately put together and she obviously didn’t feel comfortable in the t-shirts of a teenager. Alicia however thought that Kalinda radiated a special beauty dressed-down and without makeup, a sight usually kept hidden from other people. There was a reason that half the firm wanted to sleep with her, but her appearance not only made her seem breathtakingly beautiful to other people but also unapproachable and distant.

Alicia asked herself if it was that, the lack of makeup, which made them slowly find their way back to their old familiarity. Only a few months ago she never would have thought it possible to ever have a relaxed conversation with Kalinda, and now sometimes they were laughing like teenagers again. It helped that they shared the same sense of humor and got exasperated by the same things. It also helped that each of them knew what the other one had done for her, even if they didn’t talk about it. At any rate, Alicia finally felt within reach of what she had considered irrevocably lost: a good friend.

But in spite of these positive developments, there was something that subtly nagged at her and didn’t go away. Against her will, Owen’s words from the night at the _Strongbow_ forced themselves on her, and she didn’t know what to do with them. She was sure her brother’s theory was completely absurd and all the more upset with herself that she was even thinking about it. Everybody knew that Owen talked too much and that he was excessively romantic. On the other hand, Alicia had to admit that he did have a very astute sense of interpersonal relationships.

However he had never met Kalinda and thus he couldn’t know what was going on inside of her. But even this compelling argument didn’t help Alicia shelve the topic. She had known Kalinda for more than three years now and she was quite aware that she was far from being Kalinda’s type. Kalinda chose people like herself, who appreciated independence and who didn’t expect anything more than a quick night with her. This FBI Agent for instance, Lana Delaney, whom she obviously had had an affair with, was a typical example. She was likeable but ruthless, and it seemed likely that she didn’t care about human bonding. They reminded Alicia of two cats that stalked through their territories and only ran into each other when it suited them. 

Alicia however considered herself somewhat square. She had grown up in a _decent_ home, had taken up a _decent_ profession, had chosen a _decent_ man to be her husband and had built a home with him and their children in a _decent_ neighborhood. Up until Peter’s imprisonment they had been following the typical path of an upper middle class family, and thinking of the precisely cut grass alone gave her a chill.

Certainly, she had started a new life long ago, had broken away from the old moral concepts, but she couldn’t deny her background. She still strove to do things right. Respect, honesty and decency were as important to her as reliability and safety. The latter had also to do with the fact that she was responsible for two children and couldn’t allow herself freedom to experiment. And besides, she had never been the type for pushing boundaries, which completely contrasted with the people Kalinda usually associated with.

Alicia didn’t question that she and Kalinda had an unusual connection, but Owen’s theory of Kalinda being in love was a totally different story. Moreover a construct like love didn’t fit Kalinda’s concept of life at all, since she would be running for the hills as soon as somebody as much as hinted that they wanted more than sex.

“Why do you think Kalinda considers me a friend?” Alicia asked Will when, once again, they were working overtime at the firm. She was working late quite regularly now to make up for the prolonged lunch breaks, and Will was so relieved to be able to work again after his disbarment that he plunged back in like a maniac. Most of the time it was Alicia who walked over to his office and told him to let the work rest, on this evening however it was Will who had arrived at her desk, two pizzas and two bottles of beer in his hands.

“You’re the only one who doesn’t want anything from her,” Will responded and took a bite of his pepperoni pizza.

“In what way?” Alicia asked, skeptical.

“In every way.” He dabbed his mouth with his napkin. “Kalinda usually only goes to people when she wants something from them, and people only go to Kalinda when they want something from her. But there’s another side of her that I hadn’t seen before you joined our firm. I didn’t know that she could be such a loyal friend. When I was in trouble because of that Wendy Scott-Carr thing she did everything she could to help me. And she never expected anything in return.”

“I knew you two had a secret plan.” With a chuckle, Alicia took a piece of pizza and nibbled at the crust. It was thin and crunchy just the way she liked it. “You have to take a closer look to understand how she works.”

“Yeah, she can be a real friend and we’ve always been able to rely on her loyalty.” Will opened the beer bottles with a hissing sound and clinked bottles with her. “I hope we can keep her.”

Alicia enjoyed the cool beer running down her throat. It was a hot day in Chicago and anything cooling was welcome. “Are you looking for a new investigator already?” she asked matter-of-factly.

The expression in his face confirmed her apprehension. “As long as Kalinda doesn’t take back her resignation, we have no other option.”

“Do you want me to talk to her?”

“Yes. Would you do that? If it hadn’t been for Kalinda…” Will looked at his cellphone when he heard it vibrating on Alicia’s desk. “Please excuse me for a second,” he said and left her office with his phone on his ear. It was probably the lawyer he’d been dating for a while now. Alicia had to admit that this didn’t leave her completely cold but she tried to tell herself that she had been the one who had ended the relationship and that it was still the right decision.

Pensively, she took another bite from her pizza. If Will’s theory was correct, Kalinda didn’t seek her friendship for the sake of wanting something from her but because she mutually assumed that Alicia wanted virtually nothing from her. The theory felt as twisted as Owen’s speculation but it fit Kalinda much better. Yet it still didn’t explain why she had stayed in Chicago for her.

“It would be good for all of us if Kalinda decided to stay,” Will interrupted her thoughts when he came back into her office. “So I’d appreciate it if you could tell her that we do want her back.”

“Yes, of course. No problem.” Days ago Alicia had already come to the conclusion that she shouldn’t postpone the pending conversation with Kalinda any longer and the fact that Will and Diane were ready to look for a new investigator made the issue even more urgent. She needed to discuss this with Kalinda as soon as possible. “Do you have to leave?” she asked, her eyes fixing the cellphone in Will’s hand.

“Not yet,” he smiled and sat down again. “We’re having dinner, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, but it’s not a date.” Alicia returned his smile. “Maybe you shouldn’t let her wait.”

Will made a defensive gesture. “She won’t be home before 9:30 P.M. anyway.”

“You said if it hadn’t been for Kalinda…”

“Right … but it’s not…” He cleared his throat. “I think she’s been a loyal friend to both of us. If it hadn’t been for her I would have never had the courage to approach you.”

“What do you mean?” Surprised, Alicia looked up from her meal.

“We’ve always had bad timing, Alicia.” Will smiled again and then, almost embarrassed, looked down at his beer bottle. “I had already come to terms with it and decided to just leave it. But then, when I was watching the TV interview you had given just before Peter’s election, Kalinda stepped into the conference room and, well, to sum it up, basically told me I shouldn’t give up on you.”

“She what?” Alicia choked on her beer. The television interview had been aired on the night before Peter’s election -- the day when Andrew Wiley, the former State’s Attorney’s investigator, had told her about Peter’s night with Kalinda. “She really said that?”

“Yeah, she did.” He laughed quietly at the memory. “I have no idea what had gotten into her that night. We had never talked about it before and you know how much she usually likes to avoid personal matters.”

Will continued telling her about how they had watched the interview together, but Alicia was no longer listening. She was too busy putting all the pieces together in her mind. So Kalinda had already known that Alicia would hear about her and Peter. She had known that this would be the finishing blow for Alicia’s marriage and that Alicia would lose her as a friend. She had known that Alicia would be all alone afterwards and thus she had tried to get Will by her side. And her plan had worked. The affair with Will had been an important support at that time. To be desired and dated by him had been a band-aid on her shattered self-esteem, and sometimes she had only dragged herself to work because a furtive kiss had been waiting for her there. And every time the sight of Kalinda had ripped at the deep wound again, Will had distracted her from it.

Alicia felt a big knot forming in her throat and she tried to swallow it down. Kalinda had been pulling the strings long before Alicia had thrown her out of her office full of anger. Kalinda had lost a friend too but she had kept an eye on Alicia all the time, more than Alicia had known. The same Kalinda, who people said was always selfish and cold, had never stopped being her best friend.

“Are you still listening?” Will enquired. “If it bothers you talking about Peter’s election…”

“No, no, it’s alright.” Alicia forced a smile. “I’m just tired.” She looked at her watch. “It’s after 9:00 P.M. already.”

“Well, we should go then, shouldn’t we?” He rose from his chair. “But we’ll do this again. It’s been fun,” he said pointing to the empty pizza boxes.

“Any time,” Alicia smiled. “I’ll let you know what Kalinda’s plans are,” she added.

“Alright,” he nodded. “Let’s hope she’ll change her mind.”

 

***

 

When Alicia drove to Northwestern Hospital the following day she was so lost in her thoughts that she accidentally overlooked a red light. With squealing tires she avoided rushing into the bumper of a Chrysler just in time and received deafening honking from all sides. She knew she should’ve chosen to take the subway, overtired as she was, but she had refused to listen to the admonishing voice in her head. She had gone to bed right away last night but the conversation with Will had kept her from sleeping for quite a while. She blamed herself for having treated Kalinda so unfairly for such a long time. Internally, she had placed her on the same level with Peter’s prostitutes, and in retrospect she didn’t understand why Kalinda had always been so well-disposed towards her despite her open hostility. Why hadn’t Kalinda just told her to go to hell or at least confronted her and told her how unfair her behavior towards her had been? Alicia would have loved to call Owen, just to dispel the unpleasant thoughts in her head, but she was too afraid of his comments and so decided to leave it.

For a quick moment Alicia thought about turning around when she arrived at the parking area of Northwestern -- after all she had a lot of work to do at the firm. But then she forced herself to get out of the car. She had promised Will that she would talk to Kalinda and it was about time for the investigator to express her interest in her old job if she still wanted to have it.

The ward’s long corridors felt even more endless that day and Alicia was relieved when she arrived at Kalinda’s door. As always she found her sitting upright in her bed and reading something. As soon as she raised her head and saw Alicia’s face she seemed to know that something was up. “Is everything okay, Alicia?” she asked with concern.

“Yes, of course.” Alicia put a box of fresh blueberries on the table that she had brought from the market and looked for a plate. “And you?”

“Dr. Highsmith just told me I’ll be discharged the day after tomorrow.”

“That’s great, Kalinda.” Alicia slowly took off her coat. She had hoped for a little more time to arrive at her subject but she wouldn’t get a better cue than this. She took the blueberries and put them into the sink on the opposite side of the room. “Do you think you’ll be safe in your apartment?” she asked while she opened the faucet.

“Yes.” Kalinda nodded.

“Why?”

“Because the police are involved. They’ve been here already.”

“Really? When?”

“A few days ago.”

Alicia watched the sink filling with water and took a deep breath. It would have been nice if Kalinda had told her that sooner. “Did the police talk to you about Cary’s statement?”

“Yes.” Kalinda nodded again.

Alicia concluded that Kalinda would know the details of her rescue by now -- but would she be willing to tell Alicia what she had told the police? Alicia decided not to beat around the bush any longer. “Was one of the two corpses that Cary and I found Leela’s husband?” she asked and was surprised that she talked about Kalinda in the third person. But somehow it felt appropriate.

“No.” Kalinda shook her head. “Those two worked for him. You talked to one of them several times.”

“Because of the check?” Alicia felt cold shivers up and down her spine when she asked herself which of the two corpses she had talked to on the phone. It was a strange feeling to know that the man that had scared her so much was dead now. “Does this mean that you’ll leave Chicago?” she asked carefully.

When she didn’t hear a response she looked up from the sink and saw Kalinda’s gaze resting on her. “I told Will that I would leave,” she said.

“That won’t be a problem,” Alicia assured her quickly. “I have explicit instructions to tell you that Diane and Will want to keep you. That shouldn’t surprise you.”

Kalinda was quiet for a while and watched Alicia putting the wet blueberries on a small plate. “As long as the police investigate he won’t do anything,” she said eventually.

“And when the investigation is over?”

“It depends on how far the police investigation goes. Maybe he won’t do anything afterwards either.”

“Why didn’t you get the police involved right away?” Alicia asked though she guessed the answer.

“It’s not as simple as it looks,” Kalinda responded vaguely.

Alicia put the plate on the side table and sat down on Kalinda’s bed. She was a hundred percent sure that Kalinda was protecting somebody and that this was the reason why she didn’t want to get the police involved. Her statement to the police had probably been anything but useful. But who was Kalinda protecting? Her husband? Her family? What was the reason that she had preferred to go underground with a new identity instead of getting rid of her husband? 

“Did you once love your husband?” Alicia asked and offered her the plate.

Kalinda took a handful of berries and let a few of them disappear into her mouth before she responded. “There were other reasons,” she said, her voice as matter-of-fact as if she was talking about a client.

Her expression was so closed up that it would be useless to ask another question. “Reasons you won’t tell me?” Alicia summarized quietly. It was more a statement than an inquiry.

To her surprise Kalinda smiled. “It was a different life, Alicia.”

“And you don’t want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“I understand.” Alicia got up and went to the window. It was the only one in the small room, but at least it had a nice view. “But now it’s catching up with you.”

“I will make sure that it won’t.”

“By leaving Chicago?” Alicia turned towards her.

“Not necessarily.”

“Then stay.” Alicia said it without thinking, and for the very first time that they had known each other, she saw Kalinda blush.

“Diane and Will haven’t hired a new investigator yet?” She seemed almost surprised.

“No. Everybody’s hoping that you’ll come back,” Alicia said firmly. “But of course that’s only if it won’t put you in danger.”

“Okay.” Kalinda affirmed her consent with a nod.

“Thank God!” This took a giant load off Alicia’s mind and she would have loved to call Will right away. But she didn’t want to make Kalinda feel uncomfortable. “How do you think you will manage in your apartment?” she asked instead and sat down on Kalinda’s bed again.

“I’ll manage,” Kalinda said softly. “Don’t worry, Alicia.”

But Alicia wasn’t content with that. “How about I bring you some things from time to time?” she asked. “I won’t come in if you don’t want me to.”

“I’ll let you know if I need anything,” Kalinda assured her.

“I don’t think you will.” Alicia looked at Kalinda so suspiciously that she had to laugh. “I’m serious,” Alicia emphasized. “Please tell me if there’s anything I can do.”

“What do you want? A promise?” Kalinda asked, amused.

“A promise would be good.” Alicia held her hand out to her and waited for Kalinda to accept.

“Okay.” Kalinda laid her hand into Alicia’s.

“No, no, no. That’s not how it works.” Alicia shook her head. “I, Kalinda Sharma, promise Alicia Florrick to call her immediately if I need something - fruit, vegetables, stamps, or some help with the cleaning…” 

Kalinda pulled her hand back. “You’re crazy.”

“No, I’m not. But I know you.” Alicia became serious again. “You don’t need to do everything alone, Kalinda. I’d like to help you. Out of friendship.”

Kalinda didn’t respond but Alicia saw something light up in her eyes, so quickly that it was already gone by the time Alicia noticed it, but it was enough to assure her that Kalinda had understood.

“Your Mr. Delling prattled away in court, by the way,” Alicia changed the topic. “You warned us that we shouldn’t let him take the stand but Will insisted.”

“Really? What did Delling say?” Kalinda leant back in her bed, visibly relieved about the change of topic. “Did he talk about his wife?”

“That too. But most importantly, he accidentally confessed to a burglary that he hadn’t been accused of before.” Alicia suppressed a chuckle, remembering the shock on the witness’ face when he realized what he had just done.

“I wish I had been there. Some people just shouldn’t be a witness.” Kalinda had to chuckle too, though the little tremor seemed to hurt her shoulder. “Who prepped him?”

“That was Cary. For two hours, he tried to do his best but sometimes even that isn’t enough.”

“Poor Cary.” Kalinda took some blueberries and put two of them into her mouth. “How is he doing at Lockhart & Gardner in the mean time?”

“The fact that Diane and Will were so eager about getting him back gave him a big boost of self-confidence. So from what I see he’s doing great.” Alicia slipped out of her shoes and rested her legs on Kalinda’s bed. “He was a big help when we tried to find you, you know.”

“And he knows how to pick a door lock,” Kalinda smiled. “I’ll thank him when I’m home again.”

“How do you know that?” Alicia faked indignation. “I wonder what you two are always conspiring about.”

“I get paid for conspiring,” Kalinda defended herself. “And it’s especially fun with Cary. His heart is in the right place.”

“Yes, that’s true.” Alicia glanced around the room looking for some beverages. “For some reason this place doesn’t seem to have a minibar,” she said in a petulant voice.

“There’s some chamomile tea in the hallway.” Kalinda grimaced. “It’s good for the stomach.”

“Shall I organize some coffee?”

“That would be divine.”

So Alicia headed down the hallway with bare feet and came back from the nurses’ room with a whole pot of coffee. A small table with two chairs was squished into the corner of the room, which Kalinda managed to sit at with some difficulty, and there they drank their coffee together while talking about the latest events in the firm. Alicia realized how much tension fell from her now that it was clear that Kalinda would still be her colleague in the future, and Kalinda also seemed relieved that she could go back to Lockhart & Gardner.

While they were talking about the changes that had resulted from Will’s temporary suspension, Alicia caught herself watching Kalinda several times. If she only knew what Kalinda saw in her. How would she know if Owen was right? And was it really an issue? Was it really necessary to define feelings all the time?

“How is it going with Will?” Kalinda suddenly asked.

Alicia took a sip of her coffee to cover up her surprise. But if she expected more honesty from Kalinda she had to set a good example herself. “We manage better than I had feared,” she responded truthfully.

“Will doesn’t hold a grudge?”

Alicia shook her head. “We were both stretched to our limits. It’s okay.”

“But sad,” Kalinda said compassionately. “He’s good for you.”

Alicia watched Kalinda’s hands playing with the sugar package. “I couldn’t do it anymore,” she explained. “I could never live like you.”

“How do I live?”

“Free.”

Kalinda smiled. “It comes at a price.”

“Everything comes at a price.” Alicia took the pot and distributed the rest of the coffee evenly between their two cups. “Have you ever been together with someone for a longer time? Apart from your husband, I mean?”

“I’m not the domestic type, as you know…”

“And in love? Have you never been in love?”

Kalinda put her cup back on the saucer. “How often have you been in love?”

“Me?” Alicia sipped at her coffee, pondering. “Two or three times I’d say. There was a really cool guy in high school, Leonard. His parents came from Sweden and he wanted to go to Europe after school and couldn’t wait to take me with him. I was deeply in love and he was too -- until he cheated on me with the volleyball player from the twelfth grade. From what I heard she moved to Europe with him…” Alicia was silent for a while. “Anyway, I was a nervous wreck at that time,” she added with a smile.

“And the second time?”

“The second time was Peter.” Alicia hesitated when she saw Kalinda casting down her eyes. “And that’s it, more or less,” she summarized. “Will… I don’t know… He fascinated me… Maybe I really would have fallen in love with him if I hadn’t met Peter at the time…”

“And today?” Kalinda stirred her coffee.

“Today it might be something very similar,” Alicia pondered. “There’s appreciation, an affinity, and a great attraction… but that’s not enough for a life.” She looked at Kalinda from the side. “And I’m too old for experiments,” she added.

Kalinda smiled. “One is never too old for experiments.”

“No?”

Kalinda turned her heard towards her and looked at her with her dark eyes. “No.”

Alicia held her gaze. “You tricked me,” she said quietly.

“I know.”

“I won’t get an answer?”

“No.”

“That’s not fair,” Alicia sighed. “I’m spreading out the dramas of my life before you…”

Kalinda laughed. “I’m afraid you have to go back to the firm,” she said and held her watch out to Alicia.

“Oh gosh.” Alicia stared at the clock-face, startled. “Is it after 3:00 P.M. already?” She quickly got up and cleared away the plate and the cups. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” she asked, already at the door with her coat and handbag.

“Yes.”

“Good. See you then.” Alicia waved in Kalinda’s direction before she shut the door and hurried to the exit of the hospital. She had an appointment with a new client in half an hour. It was a famous actor who was being accused of sexual harassment, and it wouldn’t make a good impression if she was late to their first meeting.

Twenty-five minutes later Alicia rushed into the firm and managed, just in time before her client stepped out of the elevator, to collect her documents. The actor was known to be an arrogant snob and Alicia didn’t look forward to the meeting. But for some reason she just felt so uplifted that nothing could harm her today. And so she welcomed her client with a charming smile as if he were the Emperor of Japan.


	5. Part 5 - Squaring the Circle

Two days later Kalinda was released from hospital and in order to pick her up, Alicia had to cancel an appointment with Eli Gold that had been arranged weeks in advance. Unsurprisingly, this made him so disgruntled that he went and vented his anger to Diane, who showed little sympathy, as it was also important to her that Kalinda was brought home safely. Thus, Eli had to come to terms with the situation whether he liked it or not, and he wandered through the corridors grumpy all morning and using every opportunity he got to let everyone know how neglected he felt. 

Alicia almost felt sorry for him when she took out her car keys, but she needed to set priorities, and her priority was definitely not Eli Gold today. “We’ll talk tomorrow,” she told him on the way to the elevator, but he didn’t even lift his head. 

She had to put her briefcase on the backseat of her car as her trunk was completely stuffed with food and toiletries. Alicia had purchased them the evening before so that Kalinda wouldn’t need to leave her apartment for a week. Of course she probably would anyway, but at least she wouldn’t have to rely on outside help. 

At this time of day Chicago’s traffic was relatively bearable and Alicia arrived at Northwestern in record time. As always, parking spaces were rare, but she managed to squeeze herself into a space just before a young driver of a Cabriolet could do so. The guy was furious and threw a bunch of curses towards her, some of which she had never even heard. She decided it was best to not pay any attention to him, which seemed to provoke him even more and he ended up following her all the way to the front entrance, where he finally turned around hurling more swearwords at other people.

When Alicia entered the building, Kalinda was already sitting near the front desk reading a magazine. Apparently she couldn’t wait to leave the sterile place, as her face beamed when she saw Alicia coming through the entrance. And a few minutes later, she only went as far as raising her eyebrows when she noticed all the stuff in Alicia’s trunk. 

On the way to Kalinda’s apartment Alicia turned on the radio at a low volume because she didn’t want to bother her colleague who seemed deep in thought. Only when they turned into Kalinda’s street, Alicia broke the silence and explained that she would accompany Kalinda to her apartment. Before Kalinda could protest, Alicia made it clear that she intended to rearrange some things in her home so that Kalinda could stay there without needing help, and that she wouldn’t accept any objections. To her surprise, Kalinda gave in and sat down in an armchair while Alicia stored away all the things she had brought into the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. 

Alicia had given it a lot of thought what movements and domestic tasks would be difficult to perform with a wounded shoulder, so she didn’t need more than fifteen minutes to arrange everything in the way that Kalinda would need it. Her colleague’s eyes followed her every move and they apparently didn’t miss how well-prepared Alicia was. 

“Call me, if you need anything,” Alicia reminded her when she had given her arrangements a final touch. “It doesn’t matter if it’s important or not, okay?”

“Okay.” Kalinda rose from her armchair to accompany her to the door. 

“Get well soon and take good care of yourself.” Alicia felt almost wistful when she stopped at the front door. Kalinda would need some time to herself now, so they probably wouldn’t talk for days. 

“Thank you for everything, Alicia.” Kalinda’s voice was trembling slightly when she looked at her. “You’ve done so much for me…”

“Nope.” Alicia shook her head. “Nothing that you wouldn’t have done yourself,” she said and smiled when Kalinda didn’t respond. They both knew that she was right. 

* * *

Alicia was surprised to realize how quickly one could grow accustomed to little things in a daily routine. It sounded paradoxical, but she started to miss the regular hospital visits, and although Will and Diane laid one case after another onto her desk, Alicia sometimes didn’t know what to do with herself. Several times a day she was tempted to call Kalinda at home, but each time she put her cellphone back into her handbag. She wanted to give Kalinda the time that she needed, and she knew that her colleague was fighting for her autonomy. Of course she would need to regain some distance after Alicia’s frequent visits at the hospital.

Nevertheless, Alicia was concerned, because Kalinda was probably still in danger. Only when Cary told her that he had talked to Kalinda did Alicia’s tension settle a bit and she decided to bring her focus back onto her own life -- it was stressful enough as it was. 

But it didn’t change the fact that she missed her regained friend. After ten days she couldn’t bear it any longer and dialed Kalinda’s number. 

“Alicia? What’s up?” Kalinda’s voice was matter-of-fact, as if she expected Alicia to talk about a case with her. 

“Nothing special.” Alicia decided spontaneously to drop all inquiries regarding Kalinda’s well-being. “Are you having cabin fever yet?” she asked instead.

“A little.”

This was definitely a lie but Alicia deliberately brushed Kalinda’s words aside. “How about I pick you up after work?” she suggested. “And we drive to a bar? You can choose which one.” 

For a few seconds it was quiet and Alicia couldn’t suppress a smile. It didn’t happen often that she was able to surprise her colleague. “Okay,” Kalinda said. “What time?”

“About 8:00 P.M.?”

“Yes.”

“So I’ll see you later?”

“Yes. See you later.”

Kalinda’s voice had sounded weird somehow, and Alicia shook her head at herself as she put the cellphone back into her handbag. Why did it feel like she had just arranged a date? She didn’t get the chance to think about it further, because David Lee charged into her office, as always without knocking, and demanded her presence in a divorce proceeding. His meeting with the couple in question had turned into a volley of accusations and blame, and David wanted Alicia to calm the waters. 

Indeed, Alicia managed to bring the two upset spouses back to one table but the intervention cost her almost two hours and she was busy the rest of the day trying to make up the lost time. She wasn’t the only one at the firm who hated it that it was impossible to oppose David Lee. He brought so much money to Lockhart & Gardner that he got away with everything -- and he took advantage of it mercilessly.

The good thing was that time flew by for the rest of the day and only when Alicia stood in front of her closet did the anxiety from the afternoon phone call come back to her. _It’s just Kalinda_ , she tried to tell herself. She was only nervous because of her colleague’s taciturnity on the phone. Frowning, Alicia chose the red suit that she had picked up from the dry cleaner’s last weekend and went to the bathroom to renew her lipstick. _If she’s decided to back out, then that’s the way it is_ , she told her mirror image in silence and the mirror image nodded approvingly. It couldn’t get any worse than the last year and they had survived that too. 

 

* * *

 

When Kalinda opened her front door she seemed reserved but not at all cold or aloof, as Alicia had imagined. As always her apartment was spotlessly clean and Alicia wondered how one could keep their flat in such good order with an injured shoulder. But she decided to drop the matter and to find out instead why Kalinda wasn’t getting her jacket. 

It took a while until the reason dawned on Alicia, because she was so used to the sight after Kalinda’s hospital stay that she didn’t notice at first that Kalinda hadn’t put her hair up yet. For her colleague it was apparently an unacceptable compromise, and a state in which she would never show herself in public. 

“Do you want me to pin your hair up quickly?” Alicia asked carefully, _quickly_ being the operative word. 

She hadn’t expected Kalinda to agree, but for some reason she did, so Alicia hurried to get some hairpins from the bathroom. Then she got behind Kalinda and, before Kalinda could change her mind, took a hold of the thick dark hair and cupped it with both hands. It felt soft and full between her fingers and for a split second she felt the impulse to slightly prolong the twisting of the knot. To cover her hesitation she hurried all the more and formed a knot with a few quick movements. 

“Done,” Alicia said and stepped back at the same time.

Kalinda turned around. “So are we ready to go?” Her eyes didn’t reveal whether the procedure had made her feel uncomfortable or not. 

“Wherever you want.”

Kalinda chose the _Signature Lounge_ , an exquisite bar that was known for its delicious cocktails and was conveniently frequented by a crowd that neither Alicia nor Kalinda had any connections with. Alicia was fine with any location as long as Kalinda felt comfortable and so she readily followed Kalinda’s instructions as she drove through the streets of Chicago. 

A few months ago she never would have dreamt that she’d be sitting in a car with Kalinda again and driving to a bar together. Maybe it was because she had given up hope so long ago that she felt Kalinda’s presence more acutely than usual. It was a good, comfortable feeling but confusing in its intensity and Alicia inwardly cursed Owen for his outrageous theories that now made her constantly question her relationship with Kalinda. 

Fortunately, Kalinda acted completely normally and when they sat down at the counter of the _Signature Lounge_ Alicia also relaxed. The tequila shots did their bit and it wasn’t long till she was chatting vividly with Kalinda about everything that came to her mind. Even if the setting was different, it felt a lot like old times and Alicia enjoyed the night to the fullest. It felt like forever since she had had such a good night -- and that was precisely the reason why she choked on her laughter when she suddenly heard a very familiar voice behind her. 

“What’s up?” Kalinda looked past Alicia to identify the source of Alicia’s change of mood. 

“That’s just what I needed,” Alicia sighed and resisted the impulse to turn around. It was too late anyway, because somebody was already patting her shoulder from behind. 

“Alicia, what are you doing here?” Owen stepped in front of Alicia now to take her into his arms. 

“The same thing you’re doing, I guess,” Alicia responded and scanned the room for a middle-aged good-looking guy who could fit as Owen’s boyfriend. With his Birkenstock shoes Owen was a noticeable alien element in this high-end place and the only reason that could have made him end up here had to be another man. 

“Bruce, come over here!” Owen shouted straight through the bar. “Meet my sister.”

A slender man in a black Armani suit approached them. “Bruce Thornton,” he introduced himself, when Alicia held out her hand. “Owen talks a lot about you.”

Alicia looked at Owen suspiciously, who meanwhile had discovered Kalinda. “And you are…?” he asked curiously while he laid his arm around Alicia. 

“Kalinda.”

Alicia rolled her eyes when Owen gave her a suggestive look before he turned back to Kalinda. “Oh… yes… Ka-lin-da…,” he said slowly and sized her up. “Alicia talks a lot about you too…” Alicia prayed to God that Owen wouldn’t misbehave like he usually did and actually he put on a more serious face. “How are you doing by now?” he asked sincerely. “I have never seen my sister this worried.”

Kalinda smiled politely while Alicia wished Owen on the moon. “I’m good. Thank you,” she responded politely. 

“That’s great to hear,” Owen said gleefully. “We won’t stay long, by the way,” he explained. “We went to the theater and just wanted to wind down a bit.”

“You probably want to be by yourself?” Bruce asked tactfully, though it was more likely that he wanted to be alone with Owen. 

Alicia was about to respond when Kalinda got ahead of her. “Yes, that’s true,” she said with a charming smile. “We have some work-related stuff to talk about.”

“That’s what it looks like,” Owen murmured glancing to their empty tequila glasses. “Have a nice evening then.”

“Have a nice evening too,” Alicia indicated with a gesture that Owen could leave now. “We love each other,” she explained to Bruce who looked back and forth between the two of them. “It’s not always visible, though.”

“There you have it,” Owen laughed. “At least there’s somebody who loves me.” With a big smirk he walked over to the other end of the counter.

“Your brother is gay?” Kalinda asked amused when the two were out of earshot. 

Alicia felt already lightly dizzy from the tequila and she turned her body back to the bar with great care. “I could wait two years before answering that,” she said with a slight smile and watched the barkeeper pouring the next two glasses. 

Kalinda laughed and clinked glasses with her. “Not necessary,” she said, before she emptied her glass.

“Oh, Ms. Sharma is back in the line of duty.” Alicia grimaced when she bit into the lime wedge. “Okay, Owen has been gay for as long back as he can remember. Or so he claims.”

“Is it serious?” Kalinda pointed with her thumb towards the other corner of the counter where Owen and Bruce had disappeared. 

Alicia was busy piling up the small glasses on top of each other. Her fine motor skills weren’t the best anymore but she still managed the task without effort. “Have you ever noticed that you ask questions that you don’t answer yourself?” she asked and immediately regretted the hint of accusation in her voice.

“What do you want to know?” Kalinda asked, not impressed in the least.

“What I do want to know?” Alicia put the glasses back on the counter and started to arrange them in a row next to each other. It was a good question. What did she want to hear from Kalinda? Did she want her to resolve the confusion in her head that had never completely vanished after the evening with Owen? Did she want some sort of proof that would negate his theory? Or even proof that would support it? “I want to know if there has ever been anybody in your life that you were serious about,” she responded and tried to sound as matter-of-fact as possible.

“Why?”

“Because I want to know.”

Kalinda nodded as if that had been an explanation, and ordered two more shots. “These should be the last ones,” she said smiling. 

Alicia could feel how Kalinda was withdrawing back into herself. She could see the walls rising, but this time she wasn’t ready to accept it. “What’s so difficult about answering?” she probed.

“It’s not.” Kalinda was silent for a while. “Yes,” she said eventually and smiled at the barkeeper when he handed her the glasses. He winked at her and Alicia knew that Kalinda would find his phone number on the back of the receipt at the end of the evening. 

“And? What did you do?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? Why nothing?”

Kalinda turned to her and Alicia was surprised how tired she looked all of sudden. “Because it has no meaning for me.”

“How can something serious not have any meaning?” Alicia wrinkled her forehead. She had a vague idea what Kalinda was telling her but she didn’t know whether she was aware of how paradoxical it sounded. 

“I don’t want to make any commitments I can’t live up to.” Kalinda spoke slowly and carefully, as if she was afraid that someone could twist her words. “Least of all to a person I care about.”

Alicia looked thoughtfully over to a couple behind Kalinda’s back. Both of them were lost in an embrace, so intimate that they seemed to have forgotten their surroundings. It was the first time she heard Kalinda saying that she cared about something or someone and Alicia was aware that she was walking on thin ice. “Don’t you ever think you could be missing out on something?” she asked carefully. 

“Maybe.”

“And all the broken hearts you leave behind? Don’t they matter to you?”

“Hearts mend again.” Kalinda smiled. “Besides, I never promise what I can’t keep.”

“But what if…” Alicia realized that she had definitely consumed too much alcohol for this kind of conversation. She felt only a vague control over what she was saying. “What if you break the heart of a person you’re serious about?” 

“It will mend too.”

Alicia sighed and rested her chin on her hands. “Maybe one day you will break your own,” she murmured.

Only after a while did she notice that Kalinda hadn’t responded, and when she looked at her she saw her sitting still on her stool, staring down at the counter. It must have been the effect of the many tequila shots, or maybe the last weeks had finally taken their toll, for Alicia had never seen Kalinda struggling to keep her composure. 

Without thinking about it, Alicia put her hand on Kalinda’s back and gently stroked the soft material of her blouse. She could feel the small shoulder blades beneath her fingers, the spine and the bra, and she involuntarily wondered how many people had opened it. An image of Peter and Kalinda flashed into her head and she quickly pushed it aside again. Maybe there was a part of her that would never be able to forgive them for what they had done but she had learned to lock this part up inside of her in order to move on. It had been worth it -- she had by now reached a common ground with Peter and she was about to get back the best friendship she had ever had. 

If what Kalinda had just said was true, she paid a high price for her freedom. Apparently she had been on the run from her husband for years, but even more so she had been on the run from everything that she would bind herself to, materially as well as emotionally. And yet she had chosen to stay. Otherwise they wouldn’t be sitting here in this bar. 

Kalinda didn’t look at her, but she didn’t protest either, and so Alicia let her hand rest where it was. Eventually Kalinda wiped a hand across her eyes and closed them for a long moment, before she turned her face to Alicia. 

Looking back, Alicia couldn’t say what it had been and where it had come from, but when she met Kalinda’s eyes and saw the sadness in her face, she felt a strange urge to bend over and kiss the dark lips. Tender and gently, as only lovers do. 

Kalinda’s face revealed that she had noticed the change and Alicia found in her eyes the same impulse that must be reflecting in hers. “It’s late,” Kalinda said softly. “And you have to get up early tomorrow.”

Alicia nodded, confused. “I’m drunk anyway,” she murmured and withdrew her hand from Kalinda’s back in order to get her purse.

But Kalinda was faster and before Alicia knew it Kalinda had pushed her handbag aside. “I’ll get it,” she informed her, back in full Kalinda-manner. “Thanks for getting me out of my flat.”

“You’re welcome.” Alicia was relieved that the fragile moment was over. “I accept, for now.” 

While Kalinda paid, Alicia scanned the room for her brother but Owen and Bruce seemed to have left already. From the corner of her eye she could see the barkeeper writing something down on the back of their receipt and it made her smile. Kalinda always said that people were so predictable, and yes, sometimes they were. 

“Why didn’t we take a cab?” Alicia wondered when they left the building. “Now I have to leave my car here and drive to work with Zach’s car tomorrow.”

Kalinda patted her back with her healthy arm. “Next time we’ll be smarter,” she said and pulled out her cellphone to order two cabs. 

Alicia leant against her car, relieved. Apparently it was self-evident for Kalinda that there would be a next time. That was good to know, because Alicia definitely wanted a next time.


	6. Part 6 - Squaring the Circle

The next morning Alicia woke up with such an unpleasant headache that she decided to take the subway to work instead of Zach’s car. Fortunately, she wasn’t needed in court and so a boring day at her desk was all that was waiting for her. Despite her hammering head she delved into work as if there were no tomorrow. Pondering over monotonous legal texts and drafting tedious motions always gave her a feeling of normality. What she needed was gray, soothing daily routine. 

She had worked hard at Lockhart & Gardner from the start, but now she was spending so many hours in her office that the sensitive balance of her life as a working single mother was being disturbed frequently. Alicia was often one of the first people at the office in the morning and, together with Diane and Will, one of the last left in the evening. It was a good thing that Zach and Grace themselves were often outside the home, so they hadn’t really complained yet. 

Within a week Alicia had disposed of all the files that had been on her desk and on Friday afternoon she knocked at Will’s door to ask him if he had another case for her. 

He snapped the file he was reading shut when she entered his office and looked at her concerned. Alicia’s work mania hadn’t escaped his attention and he saw fit to ask her if everything was okay. “You know that you can always talk to me if something’s up, don’t you?” 

“Everything is fine, Will, really,” Alicia assured him. “Apart from Zach’s gradees, that is. But I hope that’s only temporary.”

“Not everybody can be as good at school as you were, Alicia,” he responded with a smile. 

“You think I’m worrying too much?”

“Doesn’t everybody his age take home some bad grades from school?” He adjusted his tie. “Look at me. Even I got somewhere and made good as a lawyer.”

“There’s no denying it.” Alicia watched with amusement as Will sat up in his chair to look taller. 

“Here you go.” He took a file from his desk and handed it to her. “These are the documents for the Lewitzky trial,” he explained. “You should have a look at them before I give them to Kalinda.”

Alicia felt her heart miss a beat. “When is her first day?” she asked while she was flicking through the Lewitzky file.

“Her medical certificate ends today and she told me that she wouldn’t need an extension.” He waved an employee into his office who had knocked at the door. “She claims that she’s fully recovered.”

“You’ll be glad to have her back, won’t you?” Alicia stated with a smile.

He nodded. “Oh yes. I don’t know anybody here who won’t.”

 

* * *

 

In fact everybody at Lockhart & Gardner seemed to be relieved when Kalinda Sharma stepped out of the elevator on Monday morning and traversed the long corridors to her office. Her matter-of-course way of discreetly carrying out her work usually hid the fact how much she routinely did for the firm and how often she executed orders for each and every lawyer, without anybody else noticing. Only because of her long absence it had become apparent how much she was missed in the workplace and it wasn’t a coincidence that Kalinda’s desk was overloaded with flowers and greeting-cards on the day of her return. 

From her office Alicia had watched one employee after another enter the room to put some flowers or a card on her desk and she had added a bunch of roses herself. The biggest flower bouquet was from Diane and Will -- a staggered arrangement with strelitzias and orange lilies which suited Kalinda’s personality wonderfully. However, Alicia wasn’t so sure whether Kalinda would appreciate the gestures of esteem from her colleagues, or if she would take it as a clear sign that she had worked for this place much too long. 

Indeed, Kalinda seemed to hesitate when she entered her office, and Alicia was worried that she would turn on her heel. But eventually she stepped closer and started to read the cards and Alicia looked back at her screen so as not to observe her. 

Alicia hadn’t spoken to Kalinda since their evening at the _Signature Lounge_ and when Alicia was honest with herself, she had deliberately avoided calling her. She couldn’t even say why but she had thought it best to stay at some distance and to give Kalinda time to fully recover from her injuries. 

Will had called a meeting at 9:00 A.M. for everyone who was working on the Lewitzky case and in the conference room he informed all attendees that he had used several strategies to postpone the trial date until Kalinda was back. Now that this day had arrived, the case would keep the firm in suspense for the next weeks, maybe even months. Bernard Lewitzky was the owner of one of the biggest telecommunication companies in the United States, and he was being accused of misappropriation of funds. Though these accusations could actually be true, the evidence was scanty and in Will’s opinion the prosecution had only pressed charges against Bernard Lewitzky in order to be able to scrutinize him more closely. For several years there had been an unconfirmed rumor that their client was involved in illegal arms trade, and Will wanted Kalinda to find out how much the prosecution knew and what their actual aim was. 

Alicia wasn’t very eager to defend a multimillionaire who was under suspicion of misappropriating money, not to mention the suspected involvement in the arms trade, but she knew by now that she had to push her own morals aside when she was working on a case. 

Will had been right – the Lewitzky trial did dominate the firm for the next few weeks, especially for Alicia and Kalinda who both spent hour after hour on the case because they knew how badly the firm needed the money. And they were also aware that the firm’s reputation would be severely damaged if it turned out that the accusation of arms dealing was true. It was amazing how quickly Alicia and Kalinda found their way back into their former routine. They often burnt the midnight oil together in Alicia’s office musing over names and locations that Kalinda was investigating. And sometimes, when they finished work earlier they sat in the bar downstairs and ended the day together. 

It would have almost felt like old times, if something hadn’t been decisively different. It wasn’t anything to do with Kalinda - her behavior towards Alicia was the same as ever -- it was Alicia herself who had changed. More and more she started to notice things that she had previously taken for granted, and the more she paid attention, the more was she amazed that she hadn’t seen these things before. For instance, it had always seemed like Kalinda knew what Alicia needed and would materialize in front of her office like a genie from a bottle. Nobody knew how Kalinda managed it, it was part of her personal mystique or perhaps sometimes a coincidence, but Alicia had always assumed that all the staff had a similar experience of Kalinda. 

Now however, she was realizing that Kalinda did not have an open ear for everybody, nor did she she constantly offer her help without being asked to just anybody. It was a privilege that only Alicia seemed to hold, and apparently there was an unspoken agreement at the firm that this was okay as long as Kalinda reliably carried out all instructions that were given to her. And that she did. 

Though Alicia would have never confessed it to other people, she had to admit to herself that she enjoyed this privilege. It was balm for her battered ego that somebody who was as sought-after and admired as Kalinda showed her, of all people, such a marked preference. Alicia tried to reciprocate the favor and eventually she realized that a part of her attention was permanently reserved for Kalinda too. She was probably the last person to notice, as it seemed to be quite normal for her colleagues to ask Kalinda when they were looking for Alicia, and to ask Alicia when Kalinda wasn’t present. 

However, this alone wasn’t what felt so different from before. Far more significant was that Alicia had understood what Kalinda had told her at the _Signature Lounge_ , or more precisely, what she hadn’t told her. And Alicia couldn’t forget her own reaction to it. This knowledge formed to a subtle bond between them on a level that was not discussed and that they never touched. The unspoken agreement that things were the way they were and would never change made it possible for them to find a way to cooperate, and not only a good one, but an exceptionally effective one. And it didn’t take long until Alicia and Kalinda were Diane and Will’s favorite team again -- up until the day when Alicia’s world was turned upside down completely.


	7. Part 7 - Squaring the Circle

Alicia had never liked work parties very much, especially because she didn’t have enough time for her kids as it was, but she knew that these events were a good opportunity to have more casual conversations with her colleagues and she appreciated Diane and Will’s efforts to create a positive atmosphere at the firm. This summer, Lockhart & Gardner had booked an exquisite restaurant that also boasted a bar and a dance-floor for the event. The excellent, heavily-laden buffet quickly lifted spirits, and the good mood got even better when a live band that Will had hired started to play songs from the eighties after dinner. It was an unmistakable sign that the more formal part of the event was over and most of the guests rose cheerfully from their chairs to get to the dance floor.

Alicia decided to join Kalinda at the counter of the bar and to ask her about the witness examination of Bernard Lewitzky that had been taken place in the morning. “It was obvious that Lewitzky was trying to cover something up when the judge asked him about his houses in Fort Lauderdale,” Alicia said and ordered a glass of red wine. “Do you think it’s possible that he has connections with Lemond Bishop?”

Kalinda took a sip from her beer bottle and put it back on the counter. “I was at Bishop’s farm this afternoon to check that out,” she explained.

“You went to Bishop’s farm?” Alicia’s eyes widened with shock. “If this guy gets another itch to kill someone you’ll be next in line.”

Kalinda shrugged. “I brought him something that he wanted. So it was safe.”

“Nothing is safe when it comes to Chicago’s biggest drug dealer.” Alicia knew she didn’t have the right to tell Kalinda what to do but she didn’t understand how she could put herself in such danger. “Not even his wife was safe, as you know.”

“I know what I’m doing, Alicia.” Kalinda placed a hand on Alicia’s arm. “I had some information that he needed and I knew he would be grateful if I gave it to him. Besides, he didn’t know that I was reading his reaction to see whether he had a connection to Lewitzky.”

“And what was his reaction?” Alicia decided to talk to Will first thing in the morning. It was much too dangerous for Kalinda to go into the lion’s den alone and her bosses should be aware of that. “Was there any connection?”

“Yes.”

“There is?” Alicia raised her eyebrows. “And now what?”

“Now, it’s gonna get interesting.”

“This cannot be happening,” Alicia groaned. “Misappropriation of funds, drug dealing, arms trading -- this guy is a walking violation of the law. How am I supposed to defend him?” 

“By closely adhering to the indictment.” Kalinda sipped at her beer. “Do you know if Peter contacted the judge?”

“I don’t think so. It’s a new judge and Peter’s really trying to do a decent job…” Alicia broke off when Cary joined them at the counter. “Hey Cary,” she greeted him and smiled when she noticed little beads of sweat on his forehead. “Will’s band is doing a good job, it seems.”

He laughed, wiping the sweat from his face with a handkerchief. “You two think you can chicken out, don’t you? But that’s not working tonight.” With an elegant gesture he held out his hand to Kalinda. “May I have this dance, Ms. Sharma?”

Kalinda put her left hand in his and pulled at his tie with her right hand, until their faces were at eye level. “That’s a Rumba, Mr. Agos. Are you sure this isn’t out of your league?”

“The Rumba is Mr. Agos’ specialty,” he responded with a Latin-American accent taking the tie back into his possession. 

“In that case…” Kalinda slid gracefully from her bar stool and let Cary lead her to the dance floor. 

Alicia watched as he laid his arm around her and whispered something in her ear. There was no doubt that the young lawyer, who had followed Kalinda like a puppy in his first year at Lockhart & Gardner, had matured into an attractive, adult man. He and Kalinda had so often helped (and outsmarted) each other that she had learned to respect him, and she obviously liked him very much as well.

Alicia leant on her elbow, sipped at her wine every now and then while observing the hustle on the dance floor. She had never seen Kalinda dancing before and was fascinated by the beauty of her movements. Smooth, with the grace of a cat, she moved on the dance floor, and Cary guided her skillfully through the crowd of other dancing people. They made a pretty couple, Cary and Kalinda, and they apparently didn’t have any problem becoming attuned to one another musically. Cary lowered his head to Kalinda’s ear from time to time whispering something, and Alicia could see that they were clearly flirting. 

“Here you are.” Diane took a seat on the stool that Kalinda had left empty. “What do you think about Lewitzky’s testimony?” she asked and ordered a Cognac.

Alicia smiled. “To be honest, this trial feels more like a huge minefield every day.” 

“Oh yes,” Diane agreed. “I haven’t had the chance to talk to Kalinda today. Did she find out anything?”

“She talked to Lemond Bishop today. There seems to be a connection with Lewitzky.”

Diane sighed. “It just keeps getting better. I wish we hadn’t taken this case, but we can’t back out now.” She raised her Cognac glass to Alicia. “We may need to change our strategy, let’s talk about this first thing on Monday.” 

“Okay.” Alicia nodded absentmindedly. 

Diane followed her gaze to the dance floor. “She’s back to being herself again,” she said with a contended smile. “That’s good to see.”

Alicia wasn’t so sure if she agreed with Diane. Kalinda was dancing alone now, but it was blatantly obvious that Lea Aspin from family law was trying to dance as close to her as possible. The two of them had worked on a few cases together and Alicia had often suspected that there was something going on between them. Kalinda was still dancing, lost in the music, and didn’t seem to be aware of her surroundings, but Alicia knew that she had noticed Lea long ago. It was all part of the game. And in fact Lea was saying something to her now and Kalinda let her put a hand on her shoulder while they were talking. 

“Come on, Alicia. We shouldn’t sit around here like a couple of old ladies in the Central Park.” Diane emptied her Cognac and slid from her stool. “I’ve always liked this Queen song.”

“ _I want it all_ ,” Alicia murmured while looking at the dancing couples. From the corner of her eye she saw Diane unconsciously drumming her fingers to the rhythm of the music. Her boss didn’t have to wait long. Soon Eli Gold made a stiff bow in front of Diane and she, obviously flattered by his gallant move, accepted his request with an amused smile. 

For some reason Alicia didn’t feel like dancing tonight and she was still hesitating whether she should join the others or not, when Will appeared at her side and asked her for a dance. You don’t turn your boss down, much less a friend, so she agreed and took his arm. They had danced a lot together back in their Georgetown days and sweeping across the dance floor in his arms, Alicia was soon overcome by sense a familiarity. Will was an excellent dancer and it did her good to be moving and to get rid of that weird tension she felt inside of her. Why was she feeling jealous? She knew what Kalinda was like, and it had never bothered her before. She knew that it didn’t mean anything to her colleague when she was flirting. So why didn’t the nagging feeling in her stomach go away?

Alicia knew exactly why. It was because nobody here really knew Kalinda. They didn’t have a clue. They didn’t know _anything_ about her. So what did all these people want from her? Did anyone here really think they would mean anything to her? Had anyone here saved her life? Had anyone here sat by her bed every day, trying to give her hope and confidence when she was feeling down? No. _She_ , Alicia, had saved her life. _She_ had sat by her bed. _She_ was the person that meant something to her. So why was she the only one Kalinda _didn’t_ flirt with? 

Alicia saw Lea and Kalinda leaving the dance floor and exiting the room together. Her stomach twisted even more when she thought about what would happen next and at the end of the song she asked Will for a small break. “Are you okay?” he asked, concerned. “Did I twirl you around too much?”

“It’s nothing, really.” Alicia smiled at him reassuringly. “I just need a moment. Next time we’ll choose a slower song.”

“Is there anything I can do?” he inquired while they were leaving the dance floor. “Maybe you need some fresh air.”

Alicia nodded and steadied herself against the counter of the bar. “Don’t worry, I’ll be right back.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“No, it’s nothing,” she repeated and wound her way through the crowd and out of the room. The restaurant had a roof-top garden, but Alicia assumed that it would be crowded with smokers, so she decided to take the steep stairs down to the gray back alley of the restaurant. While she was descending the stone stairs she mentally went through the drinks she had had tonight. Two glasses of Bordeaux and one glass of soda at the table, one glass of Merlot at the counter -- so it couldn’t be the alcohol that was making her feel slightly dizzy. 

The door of the rear entrance was open and Alicia took a deep breath when she leant against the cold concrete wall that seemed to be the back of the restaurant’s storage rooms. The cool night air felt good on her skin, and Alicia closed her eyes as the wind blew softly around her heated temples. Maybe this just wasn’t her day. Maybe she should drive home and take a cold shower and crawl under the soft covers of her bed. 

Suddenly the sound of steps made her raise her head. She knew the sound of those boots all too well and turned to see Kalinda stepping out of the entrance. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Where’s Lea?” Alicia regretted the question as soon as it had left her lips. It was absolutely none of her business where Ms. Aspin was.

“She went to the restroom to freshen up.” Kalinda stepped closer to Alicia. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Alicia nodded. “Did you…?” She broke off when she noticed how ridiculous she sounded.

Kalinda stopped in front of her and leant against the wall, scrutinizing her. It was so dark that Alicia could hardly see Kalinda’s face but she noticed that she was worried. “Did we what?” 

Alicia didn’t know if it was out of defiance or jealousy or even a strange kind of curiosity that led her to ignore each and every warning bell in her head and to lean forward and kiss Kalinda Sharma. Only when she felt the contact with Kalinda’s soft lips did she realize what she was doing and drew back, terrified. “I’m sorry,” she whispered and stared at Kalinda, appalled.

Kalinda didn’t say anything. She just pushed herself off the wall and walked past Alicia to the rear entrance. “I can’t, something’s come up,” Alicia heard her saying, when Lea appeared at the door. Then the two of them disappeared into the building. 

Alicia let herself fall back against the wall and stared at the now empty stairs. What was going on with her? Was she out of her mind? What if Kalinda had kissed her back? 

Her fingers felt the burning spot where Kalinda’s lips had just been, and she closed her eyes when she realized that her whole body was flushed with heat. Terrified, she dropped her hand and told herself to get a grip. She needed to talk to Kalinda, tell her how sorry she was, and then they could see if it was possible to fix what she had damaged today.

 

* * *

 

Regardless of her original resolve, Alicia didn’t call Kalinda over the weekend and so the next time she saw her was at the meeting that Diane had scheduled on Monday morning to discuss the Lewitzky case. The appointment took place in Diane’s office and Kalinda was already there when Alicia came through the door. She looked as if she had gotten even less sleep than Alicia, but the fact that she opened her laptop as soon as Alicia sat down at the table crushed what had been left of Alicia’s hopes that they could quickly solve things.

“I talked to Peter yesterday,” Alicia reported when Will had joined them too. “His ASA agrees to avoid questions beyond the scope of the indictment if we don’t boycott his delaying tactics.”

“He needs more time to secure evidence?” Diane nodded at Courtney, who had silently asked if she could leave after having poured a cup of coffee for everybody. “How do we know the prosecution won’t use the time to gather more evidence for the accusation of the misappropriation of funds?”

“We should take the risk,” Will recommended. “Peter knows that there’s not enough evidence for the misappropriation of funds, so we will win this.” He looked at Kalinda, who nodded. “But he can hurt us if his ASA starts to ask questions that lead to the arms dealing. If he drops that bombshell in court it will harm our reputation as a respectable law firm.”

“So you think we should just let the prosecution do whatever they need to do and win this?” Diane inquired. “And when the prosecution starts to press charges against Lewitzky again we’ll be out of the line of fire by then?” 

“Yes.” Will nodded. “At least as long as we can be sure that Peter sticks to the deal.”

Alicia watched him from the side. He hated it when somebody had the upper hand, and what he hated most was when Peter was the one who had it. “The times when Peter tried to hurt us are long gone”, she said matter-of-factly, well-aware that everybody in the room knew that her words referred to the end of her affair with Will. “He won’t press any other charges during the course of this trial.”

“And what do we tell our client if he wants us to defend him again?” Diane took off her reading glasses and leant back in her chair. “Lewitzky can do us a lot of harm and he won’t be amused if we decline.”

“We’ll tell him that we don’t represent clients who are accused of arms trafficking.”

“And Lemond Bishop?” Diane laughed bitterly. “Do you want to tell Lewitzky that we defend drug dealers but not arms dealers?”

“We only represent his legitimate business,” Will emphasized. “Nothing else.”

“Does the prosecution know about the connection between Lewitzky and Bishop?” Diane turned to Kalinda. 

“They suspect it, but don’t have any proof. That’s probably one of the reasons why Peter needs more time.” Kalinda opened a file on her laptop and turned the screen towards Diane. “This is a sale contract between Lewitzky and Bishop from March 2010. He purchased ten horses from Bishop’s stud farm.”

“That only proves that they know each other...” Alicia fell silent when she cast a glance at the document. “Oh my God, nine-hundred thousand dollars for ten horses?” she asked, perplexed. “Were the hooves shod with gold?”

“Something like that.” Kalinda nodded. “The sale contract is real and legal, but it wasn’t about the horses.”

“Drug smuggling inside the animals?” Alicia grimaced, disgusted. 

“That’s my guess.” Kalinda turned the laptop back and opened another document. “All ten horses were transported to Mexico within a week. It was impossible to find out where they are now, so it’s likely they’re all dead by now.” 

“I’ve only heard of that with pigs,” Will mused. “Wouldn’t horses be too expensive for a deal like that?”

“My guess is that the horses weren’t healthy anymore, but I need more time to investigate further.”

“Oh my God,” Diane groaned. “What have we gotten ourselves into? This is getting worse every day.”

But Will stayed calm. “We’re playing in a league where we don’t throw toys at each other in the sandbox anymore,” he pointed out.

It almost seemed as if he liked the thrill, and it was obvious that Diane was annoyed by his comment. Surprised, Alicia watched as her boss rose from her chair and contradicted Will vehemently in the presence of their two employees. She put in question not only the defense of Lewitzky, but the whole policy of the firm over the last two years, the acquisition of Bishop as a new client included. “Don’t you see the price we pay for this, Will?” she asked, visibly upset. “We become more and more susceptible to blackmail. We are nothing more than pawns in the games of people like Lewitzky or Bishop. Do you want our firm to degenerate into a marionette?”

Will insisted on his viewpoint and in no time both of them ended up in a debate over principles regarding the previous and future policy of Lockhart & Gardner. The discussion revealed old rifts that Alicia had never known about and she discreetly sent Kalinda a glance in order to signify that they’d better leave the room.

When Kalinda felt Alicia’s eyes on her she looked up from her laptop and for the first time they really looked at each other. Alicia was horrified to see the deep exhaustion in Kalinda’s eyes and she had to resist the impulse to get up and go to her. What was going on? Why did Kalinda look like she hadn’t slept all weekend? Was she angry at her or was it something else? Alicia didn’t get an opportunity to ask her. Before she could say anything Kalinda closed her laptop and left the office without another word. 

Alicia knew that it was fruitless to follow her and turned to Will and Diane who had fallen silent when they had heard the door shut. “Tell Peter that we will accept his offer, Alicia,” Diane said with a sideways glance at Will. “We don’t have another option, so let’s hope that no bombshells will be dropped in the course of the trial.”

Will nodded approvingly. “Diane means it in a metaphorical sense,” he explained and when Alicia saw Diane’s eye-rolling she knew that the two of them would make up with each other soon.

“I’ll be in my office, if there’s anything else,” she said and gave both of her bosses an encouraging smile before leaving the room.

Alicia could have done with some encouragement too, because Kalinda wasn’t in her office when she went by, and when Kalinda was back at the firm two hours later, Alicia didn’t get the chance to talk to her. And by the time they were both available after lunch, Alicia had lost the courage to approach her. Maybe talking would make things worse. Making a mountain out of a molehill certainly would be more of a hindrance than a help. So maybe, if she just pretended that Friday night hadn’t happened things would get back to normal by themselves.


	8. Part 8 - Squaring the Circle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, the flu in Germany and power loss in Australia, but my two beta-readers didn't let me down. Thank you, Sarah and schwarmerei1!

When Alicia walked into her office the next morning she was surprised to find a memo sticking to the side of her computer screen requesting that she get in touch with Diane. Was it about Lewitzky again? Alicia stuck the memo back on her computer screen with a sigh. What had gone wrong this time? Had their client been caught trading weapons to the Third World? Frowning, she crossed the corridor to Diane’s office and almost bumped into Kalinda who immediately took a step back to let her enter the office first. 

Diane greeted both women with a nod and offered them a chair while she remained standing behind her desk. Alicia noticed the stern look on her boss’s face as she reached for a document on the top of a pile of papers and decided that this couldn’t be about Lewitzky. Alicia was just about to ask what was wrong when her eyes caught a glimpse of the document in Diane’s hand -- it was a letter of resignation from Kalinda.

“I’m used to babysitting people like Eli Gold or David Lee,” Diane started, deadly serious. “But I expect more from the two of you.” She let the paper drop back onto her desk. “Kalinda Sharma, you can’t resign every time you don’t like it here anymore,” she continued and looked sternly at Kalinda. “We know you’re a free spirit and you know that we grant you the freedom you want. But this is the third resignation in nine months and I’m not used to this flightiness from you.” Before Kalinda could respond Diane turned to Alicia. “I don’t know what’s going on with the two of you but I expect you to fix this. Both of you.” When Alicia nodded Diane sat down behind her desk and a milder expression spread across her face. “Did I make myself clear?” she asked Kalinda.

Kalinda gave her a nod too which put a smile on Diane’s face. “Then back to work,” she said, in a warmer voice now. “The firm doesn’t run itself.”

Without another word Alicia and Kalinda left the office, and Alicia let herself drop into her chair as soon as she had closed the door behind her. She was still in shock from the unexpected news and she was glad that Diane had reacted the way she had. She didn’t want to lose Kalinda -- not as a colleague, not as a friend, and not as whatever else it was between them. 

That last point was something Alicia had deliberately refused to think about. Deep inside her was a nagging question about what it would mean to feel attracted to Kalinda, but she had made sure that it never came to the surface. She already had more than enough complications in her life and it was hard enough to keep the balance. Her everyday life consisted of nothing but schedules, obligations and calculations and she longed for a moment when she could just shut off her brain and stop thinking about the consequences of her actions. She ached for some freedom, for levity, for spontaneity. Why couldn’t Kalinda just be a colleague and a friend and they could go back to how things used to be? Why was she sitting here almost pining away with feelings of guilt because of a thoughtless kiss, instead of getting up, showing some backbone and fighting for Kalinda’s friendship?

 _Everything you want to be you, is you._ Those were Kalinda’s own words. She was the one who had always said that everything was possible. She was the one who had always told Alicia to go with her gut. And voilà, here it was, her gut. It had only been a fleeting moment of confusion, a single second of spontaneity, and now Kalinda was about to leave the firm. Kalinda, who set such great value upon her freedom and yet was a slave to her own principles. 

The more Alicia thought about it, the more she felt sure that she shouldn’t let Kalinda go so easily. If she was determined to run away Alicia wouldn’t be able to stop her, but as long as there was a part inside of her that wanted to stay in Chicago, Alicia would try to change her mind. 

With a determined expression Alicia reached for the phone and dialed Cary’s number. “Do you know where Kalinda is?” she asked outright. “Didn’t you tell me you have an appointment with her in half an hour?”

“She cancelled it.” Cary cleared his throat. “You should ask Will. He talked to her earlier.”

Alicia dialed Will’s direct number and indeed her boss was able to answer her question. “She had to take care of something regarding Lemond Bishop and won’t be back before 5:00 P.M.,” Will explained. “She found a lead to one of the horses that had been transported to Mexico.”

“Kalinda is on her way to Bishop?” Terrified, Alicia looked through the glass walls at Kalinda’s empty desk. “Did somebody go with her?”

“I don’t know if she’s meeting Bishop or one of his men,” Will responded, alarmed by Alicia’s reaction. “Is something wrong?”

“I'm not sure…” Alicia forced herself to stay calm. “Do you remember the last time Bishop was here? As soon as you had left the office he threatened Kalinda. And you know what usually happens when Bishop threatens somebody. I think it’s wrong to let her go to Bishop alone, especially because he’s certainly aware that we are working on the Lewitzky case.”

“Kalinda knows what she’s doing.” Will seemed to relax again. “And you know how she is.”

Of course Alicia knew how Kalinda was, but who was able to match it with Lemond Bishop? Just to be on the safe side Alicia decided to have a look at Kalinda’s desk. Maybe she could find a note that would tell her more about the appointment Will was talking about. 

Only minutes later Alicia approached Kalinda’s desk and searched, followed by curious glances of the other colleagues, for notes on Kalinda’s desk. As she had expected Kalinda’s orange note book wasn’t there, but Alicia noticed several yellow scraps of paper in the trash bin under Kalinda’s desk. It took her a while to put the shredded pieces together, but then the note made sense: _11 am Forrest Creek_ was written on the small paper in Kalinda’s typical handwriting. Since it was 10:45 A.M. now Alicia knew that she shouldn’t lose any more time and informed Will that she would be gone for a while. She hadn’t thought of a reasonable plan yet, but she would think about one on her way to Forrest Creek.

Her GPS informed Alicia that _Forrest Creek_ was the name of a farm south of Chicago and with every mile she lost a little more of her confidence. She had no idea what Kalinda’s plan was and she was afraid she was going to ruin it. She didn’t mean to interfere; she just intended to pay Bishop and his men a visit, so that they would know that Kalinda wasn’t acting on her own. Whatever Bishop’s men were up to, they wouldn’t dare do Kalinda any harm with an employee of Bishop’s law firm present. 

Alicia parked her car at the roadside far away from the farm and started to approach Forrest Creek from the woods. That way she could get an overview without being seen, which would help her get an idea of the situation, before officially entering the farm. 

While she was walking through the woods Alicia tried to formulate what she would tell Bishop’s men. How could she be sure whether her presence would be helpful or problematic for Kalinda? Sometimes the investigator’s methods were so indirect that even Alicia had trouble figuring them out, and from a distance it would be even more difficult. 

Alicia didn’t get to think about it any further, because when she shoved aside the branches of a bush she looked right into the barrel of a rifle. Before she knew what was happening she was pushed rudely to the ground. “Well, look what the cat dragged in,” she heard a male voice above her. “Alicia Florrick from Lockhart & Gardner.” A hand searched Alicia for weapons, then the man pulled her up and she looked straight into his face. It was half covered with a bushy reddish beard and a green basketball cap. 

“Do we know each other?” Alicia tried to remember if she had ever seen that man before but Redbeard didn’t respond. 

“You come with me,” he demanded and pushed her forward with his rifle. 

The man cursed while leading her through the dense undergrowth to a paddock and from there to the stables of the farm. Alicia knew that it would make matters worse if she provoked him in any way, so she did what he told her. Since when did Lemond Bishop’s people threaten employees of his law firm with a weapon? This wasn’t Bishop’s style. Whenever Alicia had met him before, he had been careful not to misbehave in any way. 

Alicia was about to ask Redbeard a question when they turned around the corner of a stable and she saw Kalinda. The investigator was standing in front of the entrance of the farmhouse about thirty feet away and was talking to two men that Alicia had never seen before. When Kalinda heard footsteps she turned around instinctively, and then something happened that Alicia didn’t understand at all: Kalinda pulled a handgun and fired. Twice. 

Instinctively Alicia threw herself on the ground and a third bullet hit Redbeard behind her in the chest. With a thud he slumped to the ground next to her and paralyzed Alicia stared at the two men who had collapsed next to Kalinda almost simultaneously. “Alicia!” Kalinda was already at her side and pulled her up from the ground. She dragged her along and together they ran towards the woods. They could already hear the barking of dogs behind them and Alicia prayed that Kalinda’s car was parked somewhere close. In fact it was waiting for them at a clearing and Kalinda pushed Alicia into the passenger seat before jumping into the car and starting the engine. 

After about a mile Kalinda suddenly turned right and drove cross-country over meadows until they reached an endless farm road that Kalinda drove along with dizzying speed. Ten minutes later they finally came across an asphalted street that led towards Chicago and Alicia started to relax a bit when she saw the big green road sign that indicated that they would be safe soon. Kalinda still checked the rear-view mirror every now and then to see if they were being followed, but her deceptive maneuver seemed to have worked out. 

Alicia was still in shock and it wasn’t before Kalinda turned onto the highway to Chicago that she noticed dark red blood dripping from her right hand onto her suit. When she searched for the source of it she discovered a small cut in her palm, probably from the fall. Confused that she didn’t feel any pain Alicia started looking for a handkerchief and Kalinda handed one to her without her eyes leaving the road. Alicia took it silently and watched Kalinda from the side while she wrapped the fabric around the wound. She didn’t understand why Kalinda was angry. It hadn’t been her fault that somebody had captured her in the woods. “Why aren’t we driving to the firm?” she asked when Kalinda ignored the turn-off to Lockhart & Gardner. 

“We need to talk.” Kalinda turned onto the Edens Expressway and Alicia realized eventually where they were heading. It was the way to her apartment. 

Alicia was almost relieved when she leant back in the passenger seat. Even though Kalinda looked as if she would explode any minute she had at least indicated that she was ready to talk. So Alicia might get some information about what the hell was going on when they reached her home.

In spite of the fact that Kalinda had announced a willingness to talk, she didn’t say another word for the rest of the drive. Only when they arrived in front of Alicia’s apartment did she interrupt her silence. “You should wash your wound first,” she said tersely when Alicia opened the front door. 

“Okay. Make yourself at home,” Alicia murmured before she disappeared into the bathroom. A look into the mirror above the sink proved that her appearance was even worse than she had thought. Her clothes were dusty and spattered with blood and her hair hung in tousled streaks across her face. She felt an intense need for a shower but she didn’t want to make Kalinda wait, so she quickly pushed the streaks of hair back out of her face and started bandaging her hand. Her hip was hurting too but she would take care of that later. 

When Alicia stepped out of the bathroom Kalinda stood at the same spot where Alicia had left her. “Are you out of your mind following me?” she asked and the coldness in her voice made Alicia take a step back. 

“Am I out of my mind?” she asked ostensibly calm and went to the kitchen to get some orange juice and two glasses. “You’re out of your mind to meet Bishop on your own.”

“Bishop? What are you talking about?”

Alicia almost dropped the glasses. “You were there to meet Lemond Bishop’s people, weren’t you?” she asked turning around. “Will told me…”

“That appointment is at 2:00 P.M.,” Kalinda interrupted her and started pacing in Alicia’s living room. Alicia had never seen her so churned up. The tension of her body reminded her of a wild animal and Alicia decided to take a seat on her sofa so that at least she would stay calm. 

“Okay,” she said deliberately slow. “Who were those men? And why did you start firing?”

Kalinda turned to her abruptly. “I shot them before they could shoot you.”

“But…” Alicia looked at her blankly. “Why do you think they would have fired at me…”

“The bullet that hit the guy behind you was meant to be for you.”

“What? Why?” 

“Because they thought that it was a set up.”

“But…” Alicia didn’t get what Kalinda was talking about. “Didn’t you try to shoot the guy behind me?”

“No. The one I shot had pulled his gun to shoot you. Fortunately you threw yourself on the ground so that the bullet didn’t hit you but the guy behind you.”

Alicia touched her forehead, totally confused. She didn’t get anything of this. Why did those men assume that she set them up? “Kalinda…,” she asked hesitating. “Did you kill the two men?”

“No, I don’t think so. But Daniel won’t make it.”

“Who’s Daniel?”

“The one who brought you to the farm.” Kalinda had stopped pacing the room and folded her arms across her chest. “The bullet was too close to the heart.”

“Kalinda, who were these men?” Alicia repeated her question. She wasn’t usually nosy but in this case she seemed to be involved somehow, so she had a right to know. “Did they have something to do with your husband?”

Kalinda didn’t respond but her silence was proof enough for Alicia. “What does he have on you?” she probed. “And what does it have to do with me?”

Kalinda leaned against the wall next to the book shelf and looked over at Alicia. The tension had left her body and she looked helpless and desperate like Alicia had never seen her before. “I was there because we had a deal,” she explained. “But when you showed up I knew that they wouldn’t believe me.”

“Why?” Alicia didn’t get the connection. “What kind of deal? You told me that your husband wouldn’t do anything as long as the police is investigating.”

“He figured out another way.”

“Is he blackmailing you?”

Again, Kalinda remained silent and stared down at the carpet. Alicia watched her as she stood there motionless, her back against the wall, trying to avoid any eye contact. And all of a sudden the pieces fell into place and everything made sense. “He’s blackmailing you with me,” Alicia said tonelessly. “He threatened to hurt me if you don’t do what he wants, right?”

Kalinda lowered her head. “I have to leave Chicago. Otherwise this will never end.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Alicia patted the vacant place on the sofa next to her and was surprised when Kalinda followed her invitation and sat down beside her. 

“And then what? It just would have made you worry.”

“Kalinda…” Alicia looked at her and sighed. Why did she always think she had to do everything on her own? “Why don’t you act against him?” 

Alicia hadn’t expected an answer but Kalinda surprised her. “My family depends on him,” she said slowly. “It’s complicated…”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Alicia ran her fingers through her dusty hair that was still dusty from the event at Forrest Creek. Surely what Kalinda would tell her would only be the tip of the iceberg. “What does he want?” she asked cautiously. “Does he want to kill you?”

“No, he wants me to do things for him. And he wants me back.”

“But…” Alicia paused. “What does he have on you that keeps you from sending him to prison and taking care of your family yourself?”

Kalinda’s hesitation revealed that there had to be a lot. “Leela burned to death in her house,” she responded eventually. “That alone is enough to bring action against me.”

“I see.” Alicia’s head was already spinning from all the contradicting information. “Is it true that Peter helped you in getting a new identity?”

“Yes.”

“Was it a deal?”

“Yes.”

“You got your new identity and he got a top investigator for the prosecution?”

“Yes.”

Alicia nodded biting her lip. She wasn't sure if she really wanted to ask the next question. “And the night with Peter…,” she started cautiously. “What that part of the… deal?”

She didn’t get an answer but Alicia knew that she was right. Of course Kalinda wouldn’t accuse Peter. But he had already said that it hadn’t been Kalinda’s fault. “How can somebody who loves freedom so much find themselves with so many constraints?” she sighed. “That’s not fair.”

“Nothing is fair.”

Alicia sat upright on the sofa when a thought struck her. “If Peter is involved in this he won’t like it if your husband reveals anything about Leela Tahiri, right?”

For the first time this day Kalinda smiled. “Alicia, stop it. I don’t want you to think like that. This isn’t you.”

Alicia shook her head. “Sometimes it’s a question of priorities.”

“No, I don’t want you to do this for me, much less Peter.” Kalinda took a sip of the orange juice that Alicia had put in front of her. “I will leave Chicago. It’s the only way.”

But Alicia took the glass out of her hand and put it back on the table. “It’s your decision, of course, Kalinda. But you shouldn’t leave,” she said with emphasis. “And I think you don’t want to.”

“I will leave,” Kalinda repeated shaking her head. “I need to.”

“Kalinda…” Alicia put a hand on her cheek and forced her to look at her. “We will find a way. Please let me help you.”

Kalinda’s eyes reflected so much held-back emotion that Alicia’s heart sank. How could she convince her that it was worth to stay and fight and that she deserved a better life than this? How could she make her understand that there were better options than running away for the rest of her life? With a gentle move Alicia wiped a dark strand of hair from Kalinda’s face and suddenly it felt so natural to bend down to her lips and kiss her. It was a comforting gesture, but this time Kalinda kissed back. Oh, and how she kissed back. It clouded Alicia’s senses and took her breath away. The scent of Kalinda’s perfume made her dizzy and a black wisp of hair tickled her cheek while Kalinda’s lips came back to hers again. And Alicia didn’t want to be cautious anymore, she didn’t want to plan things five steps ahead anymore. She wanted to block out the world and feel only these soft lips, the probing tongue, and the faint taste of orange juice in Kalinda’s mouth. She felt Kalinda’s fingers in her hair, her quiet moaning reached her ear and in response she felt a wave of arousal inside of her that almost took her senses.

“No…” Kalinda drew back all of a sudden. 

Alicia opened her eyes and came back to reality at a blow when she saw Kalinda getting up from the sofa and heading for the door. There she turned around again. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, still out of breath. Then the door clicked shut behind her. 

Alicia stayed behind, her mind in a haze. What had just happened? She let herself drop back on the sofa and covered her face with her hands when her fingers felt something damp on her cheek. Bewildered Alicia stared at her hands. She hadn’t realized that Kalinda had cried. Cautiously she wiped the dampness from her cheeks and sighed deeply. What was happening with her? How had things gotten out of control so quickly? Why on earth had she kissed Kalinda again? Alicia shook her head, dazed. In her entire life she hadn’t been kissed like that. How could they ever be friends again after this? Maybe she had just given Kalinda the last reason to leave Chicago. She possibly was on her way out of town already and Alicia couldn’t even blame her. 

Alicia faltered a little when she tried to get up from the sofa. She needed to get out of this mess as soon as possible. But how? What was she supposed to do now? How could she help Kalinda? And would Kalinda even let her?


	9. Part 9 - Squaring the Circle

After Kalinda left, Alicia felt so numb it took her more than two hours before she was showered and dressed. She was already out the door when she remembered that she hadn't called her car repair shop to ask them to tow her Buick from the road near Forrest Creek, and so she did this on her cellphone on the way to the subway. 

The trip on the subway was quite unpleasant, especially because Alicia suspected any passenger over eighteen of being an ally of Kalinda’s husband. Surely he wouldn’t just sit around doing nothing while his wife was shooting his men. It was more than likely that he had already made preparations for an attack and it was only a question of time until he would strike again. Alicia wished that Kalinda was here with her. She knew her husband and would know what to expect -- not to mention the fact that, unlike Alicia, she knew what he looked like. He could be any of these men on the subway. 

Alicia took a deep breath of relief when she arrived safely at the firm, but she didn’t have much time to calm down. When Will saw her stepping out of the elevator, he waved at her to join him and pointed discreetly at two visitors in his office whom Alicia had never seen before. 

“Alicia, these two gentlemen, Detective Smith and Detective Cox, are from the police,” Will introduced the visitors when she entered his office. “They’d like to talk to you.” 

“I see." Alicia shook their hands politely while subtly trying to figure out what this might be about. "What can I do for you, Detectives?” Apparently these men weren’t here because of Lewitzky or another client. Had Kalinda involved the police? That wouldn’t make any sense. But if she hadn’t done it, then who else could have?

“We have a few questions about Ms. Sharma.” Detective Smith smiled and Alicia tried to ignore the yellow nicotine stain on his teeth. She felt nauseated enough already. “It won’t take long.”

“Sure.” Alicia gave Will a quick nod and led the policemen across the hallway into her office. “How can I help you, gentlemen?” she asked again and offered both of them a chair. 

“We identified the two corpses,” Detective Smith came to the point. “One of them is Bill Crawley from Canada, the other one is Donald Hewitt from Chicago.” He opened his note book and wrote down a few words, although Alicia hadn’t said anything yet. “Are either of those names familiar to you?”

Alicia folded her arms across her chest and smiled at Detective Smith to cover her dismay. The two men hadn’t survived? Was Kalinda a murder suspect? “I’ve never heard of these men,” she said calmly. “Has it been established how the two men died?”

“They obviously shot each other,” the Detective explained. “Bill Crawley was probably the one who shot your colleague Ms. Sharma. Both of the bullets that hit her were from his weapon.”

Alicia nodded, trying to hide her relief. Gunshots fired at Ms. Sharma? This wasn’t about the events at Forrest Creek, this was about the kidnaping. “And how do you think I can help you with this?” she asked cautiously. “I’ve given my statement to the police already.”

“Yes, we know, we know.” Detective Cox nodded. “This is not what this is about. We just want to know if you have any ideas for a possible motive that could lead to the kidnapping of your colleague.”

“Detective.” Alicia took a step closer to the policeman. “You know that Ms. Sharma works for this firm as an investigator. It’s impossible not to have enemies with a job like that.”

“No kidding.” He shot a glance at his colleague as if Alicia had just told some kind of inside joke. “But do you remember anyone in particular?”

Alicia shook her head. “Lockhart & Gardner is a firm with more than three-hundred employees. I don’t keep track of everyone who uses Ms. Sharma’s services.” 

“But you’re representing Ms. Sharma in a tax case, aren’t you?” Mr. Smith showed his yellow teeth again when he smiled knowingly.

“Yes, that’s true,” Alicia responded matter-of-factly. “But before you ask any further questions, I must remind you that I have an obligation to client confidentiality in this matter.”

Detective Smith exchanged another look with his colleague. “We have reason to believe that Ms. Sharma is withholding information,” he explained. “Do you have any idea what she could have said or done that induced Bill Crawley and Donald Hewitt to shoot each other?” 

“With all respect, gentlemen,” Alicia sat down at her desk to illustrate that she had more important things to do than to talk with two unannounced policemen. “If you are bound to a column waiting for your death, wouldn’t you do or say anything that might help you out of the situation? Maybe Ms. Sharma provoked her kidnappers. She knows how to do these things.” 

“You don’t think that Ms. Sharma had certain information that she used deliberately?”

“That’s beyond my knowledge.” Alicia shrugged. “I’m sorry that I can’t help you with this, gentlemen. You should ask Ms. Sharma herself.”

“Yes, we will do that.” A wave of old cigarette smell blew in Alicia’s direction when Detective Smith closed his note book. “One last question, Mrs. Florrick. Can you tell me any reason why Ms. Sharma could be interested in halting this investigation?”

Alicia leant back in her chair and thought about that for a moment. “Yes,” she said. “You know that an investigator has to get information from all kinds of sources, including the police.” She paused to make sure she had their attention. “Ms. Sharma is friends with a lot of police officers. You know that if you aren’t loyal in this job you’re out of the game very soon. So if any of her sources are connected, directly or indirectly, with her kidnapping she will probably cover up for them. You know more about these things than I do…” 

The Detective’s eyes narrowed to small slits. “Are you trying to tell us that police officers are involved in this?”

“I’m not trying to tell you anything…” Alicia interrupted herself when her cellphone vibrated. She quickly opened the text message when she noticed who the sender was. _I won’t be available for a few days. Make sure that you’re never alone till you hear from me. K._

“Bad news?” inquired Detective Cox.

“Nothing relevant.” Alicia put her cellphone back on the table and rose from her chair. “I’m sorry that I can’t tell you more, gentlemen. I will let you know if there’s news.”

Alicia was about to open the door for the policemen, but Detective Cox stepped into her way. “Mr. Gardner told us that you’ve just been at an appointment with Ms. Sharma?”

“Yes, that’s true.”

“Where is she now?”

“I’m neither Ms. Sharma’s assistant nor her diary.” Alicia shook her head regretfully. “If you want to get more information, then ask her to come to your office. She’s there quite often anyway. After all she cooperates almost daily with your colleagues.”

The policeman darted a disapproving look at her. “What happened to your hand?” he asked and pointed at her bandage. 

“I tripped and fell onto my hand.”

Mr. Smith pushed his note book back into his pocket. “We will get in touch with Ms. Sharma,” he pronounced and signaled to his colleague that the interrogation was over. “Thank you, Mrs. Florrick.”

“You’re welcome.”

As soon as the two men had left her office Alicia grabbed her phone to inform Kalinda about their visit, but for some reason Kalinda’s cellphone was off. Maybe she wasn’t carrying it with her anymore to keep her husband’s men from locating her.

“What did they want from you?” 

Alicia jumped when Will appeared at her door and quickly put her phone back onto her desk. “They had some questions about the kidnapping.”

“Do they have a lead?”

“I don’t know.” She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

“What happened to your hand?” He pointed at her bandage, concerned. “Did you fall?”

“Yes, something like that,” Alicia responded, realizing that her answers were starting to get as vague as Kalinda’s. But she didn’t know what else to say. 

Apparently Will had similar thoughts, because he took a chair and sat down in front of her. “Is there something I should know?” he asked and Alicia could see how uncomfortable he felt asking about something that was so obviously private. 

“About what?”

“Kalinda called me an hour ago and announced she was taking unpaid leave for an indefinite period.” His look wandered to Alicia’s screensaver that faded in pictures of her kids at short intervals. “First the kidnapping, then a resignation, and now a spontaneous vacation. Don’t you think she owes us an explanation?”

“I can’t really say. She’ll probably tell you more when she’s back.”

“Do you know what this is all about?”

“You’re asking the wrong person, Will.” Alicia smiled apologetically and deactivated her screensaver with a mouse click. 

He nodded and looked at his shoes. “We don’t want to lose her,” he said cautiously. “But we need an investigator that we can rely on anytime. So far, that’s always been the case, but lately…”

“I don’t think the firm has anything to worry about,” Alicia said quickly. “You know that Kalinda hates doing things halfheartedly as much as you do. She’ll either leave forever, or come back and do her job as well as she always has. I wouldn’t rush to any premature decisions right now.”

“Thanks, Alicia.” Will got up and laid his hand on her shoulder. “That’s what I needed to know. And if there’s anything we can do for her she should ask us, okay?”

Alicia nodded, relieved. Apparently Will suspected that she knew where Kalinda was, but didn’t push it -- maybe because he trusted them both. However, he stayed in her office for a little while longer to tell her about a new case that was causing a lot of commotion in the press. “We want you to be first chair”, he explained. “And no, it’s not because you will be the Governor’s wife. It’s because you’re good.”

As soon as he left her office Alicia reached for her phone again and left a message on Kalinda’s voicemail. Even if Kalinda didn’t get the information for a few days, Alicia wanted her to know about the visit of the Detectives as soon as possible. Hopefully Kalinda would contact her when she was back in town. If she did, they would have a lot to talk about.

 

* * *

 

Two weeks passed and Alicia still hadn’t heard anything from Kalinda. By now she was a hundred percent certain that Kalinda wasn’t in Chicago anymore and wherever she was, the situation seemed to be extremely dangerous. It had to be, because she hadn’t told Alicia it was safe to be alone again. Kalinda’s plan obviously involved great risk and with every passing day Alicia’s concern grew.

She hated it when things were unsettled and lately there were definitely too many unknowns in the game. Why did Kalinda leave? What was it that she had to take care of? And would she ever come back? It was hard not knowing if Kalinda was even alive, but Alicia refused to give up so easily. When she and the kids visited Peter on the weekend, she took the opportunity to talk to him. “Do you remember that you once told me you had done things that had been kind of _fuzzy_? Not really legal but not illegal either?” Alicia asked him after dinner while the kids were playing Wii in Zach’s room. 

Peter stopped stacking the plates and looked over at her. “You know that I’m trying to avoid anything fuzzy, don’t you?”

Alicia almost felt pity for him. She could see how much he wanted her to believe in him. But what was she supposed to say? Of course she had noticed his endeavor, but unlike him she didn’t believe that he’d be able to stick to his new strategy for very long. His attempt at doing his job without any tricks was already hitting a wall at times, and if he really wanted to become Governor of Illinois a relapse to the old ways was inevitable. “When you helped Leela Tahiri with getting a new identity, was that something fuzzy?” Alicia probed while she brought the empty dessert bowls to the kitchen. 

Peter followed her with the plates. “Why do you want to know that?”

Alicia noticed how uncomfortable it made him to talk about Kalinda, but she couldn’t be considerate about that today. “Was it?” she asked again.

Peter came to her side and put the plates into the dishwasher. “Alicia, I understand that you’re still hurt, but don’t you think we should start looking ahead?”

“That’s not what this is about,” she responded calmly. “I’m not asking for our sake or for my sake but because Kalinda was kidnapped a while ago and the police are investigating now.” 

“Yes, I know. How is she doing?”

“She’s fine.” Alicia stepped closer to him. “Peter, I need to talk to you about something that is absolutely confidential. And I need to be sure that you won’t use the information for the investigation.”

He raised his eyebrows. “You know, we shouldn’t…”

“Yes, I know,” she nodded. “But it’s really important.”

“Okay…” Peter went back to the dining and sat down in his chair again. “Why is it so important?”

“It’s not only about Kalinda. It concerns you as well.”

“Me? What are you talking about?” He looked at her in disbelief but she sure had his full attention now. 

Alicia sat down on the chair next to him. “You know that the police are investigating, but they don’t know yet if there’s anyone else behind this than the two dead kidnappers.”

“Yes, I know. Are you saying that there is somebody behind this?”

Alicia nodded. “Her husband.”

“Damn.” Peter leant back in his chair shaking his head. “You think I should decline to prosecute?” 

Alicia was surprised to see that Peter obviously knew about Kalinda’s husband. So she must have told him the true reason behind her need of a new identity. “Apparently the police haven’t made the connection to Leela Tahiri’s death yet, but if they continue to investigate, it could put you in a bad position.”

“I see.” Peter propped his elbows on the table and looked at his folded hands. “Does Eli know about this?”

“No, I haven’t told anyone.”

“That’s good.” He nodded, relieved. “Nobody knows?”

“Nobody except Cary Agos and me.”

“Cary?” Peter raised his head. “Why Cary?”

“That’s a long story that isn’t important right now,” Alicia shook her head. “He won’t be any danger, I’m sure of it. Anyway, I’m telling you this because I thought it might be good for you to know.”

“The change of identity itself was legal,” Peter emphasized. “But I gave certain people in higher positions a little push, so that everything would go quickly and smoothly -- which means that I…” he hesitated, “… made use of some information.” 

“Which wouldn’t look good for a gubernatorial candidate,” Alicia added. “Even less if somebody finds out that Kalinda worked in your office afterwards.” She swallowed down the words on the tip of her tongue about what else Kalinda had done for Peter. His face revealed that he was thinking the same thing but Alicia didn’t want to go there. 

For a while the only sound in the dining room were Peter’s fingers drumming on the table cloth. “I’ll have a look at it and see if there’s any good reason to halt the proceedings -- completely legal. Nothing fuzzy”, he promised. 

“That wouldn’t be much help to Kalinda,” Alicia pointed out. 

He looked at her puzzled. “Whose head is this about?” 

Alicia knew that she had hurt him with her comment. “It’s not only about you, Peter,” she said resting a hand on his arm. “If you do something to save your neck, then please take care of hers too.”

“What do you want from me, Alicia?” he asked, irritated. “Kalinda must be anxious to have the case closed...”

Alicia decided to switch strategy and poured some red wine into their empty glasses. “Peter, you helped Kalinda a lot back then. But now her husband has found her. And he did because I accidentally led him to her.”

“What do you mean?” 

“The details are confidential,” Alicia gave him his glass. “But since it was me who led him to her it’s important to me that she can be safe again.” 

Her words seemed to have a calming effect on him. “So declining to prosecute wouldn’t help Kalinda?” he asked. 

Alicia took a sip of her wine before responding. “Kalinda believes that closing the case would help her because it would keep the police from finding a connection between her kidnapping and Leela Tahiri’s husband. Yes, of course that would be good, but not in the long run. Kalinda will be on the run from her husband for the rest of her life. There must be another way.”

“Do you know why she wants to keep him from jail?”

Alicia shook her head. “I only know some bits and pieces. But whatever the reasons are, it seems to be best if Kalinda’s husband stays out of prison but has no chance to get to her or blackmail her.”

Peter leaned back and laughed quietly. “I never would have thought that you of all people would ask me something like this,” he said, shaking his head. “You’ve always been the embodiment of moral rectitude to me.”

Alicia smiled. “There’s a difference when it’s not about power, money or career, but about somebody’s life.”

“Well…” he said, serious again. “So you want me to use my connections to keep Kalinda’s husband away from her and to halt the proceedings?”

“Yes. In the long run that’ll be good for you too.” Alicia nodded. “If you put an end to this you don’t need to worry about it anymore.”

“It was only one night,” he said quietly. “Just one time. It wasn’t her fault. I was… I don’t know… I somehow lost my way and…”

“Peter, don’t,” she interrupted him but broke off when she noticed that her words turned out fiercer than intended. “Just leave it,” she added quietly. 

Alicia’s ringing cellphone interrupted them and Peter gave her a sign that he would go to the living room while she was reaching for her cell. _Unknown caller_ the display said, but Alicia’s heart beat faster when she recognized the voice on the other end of the line. “It’s me. Can you talk?”

Kalinda sounded rushed, but Alicia was so relieved to hear her that it was hard for her not to bombard her with questions. “Yes,” she said after she had closed the door to the living room. “Where are you?”

“Not in Chicago.”

“Is everything alright?” Alicia leant against the dinner table. She was too excited to sit down. “Are you safe?”

“I still have some things to do.” In the background Alicia heard voices and engine noises. Apparently Kalinda was calling from a public phone. “Are you making sure that you don’t leave your home alone?”

“Yes,” Alicia lied. The fact was that it had been extremely difficult to always have company without somebody becoming suspicious. Over the last few days Alicia had picked up a young colleague from family law every morning, but in her private everyday life it was often too complicated to have somebody with her all the time. Alicia closed her eyes for a moment. There were so many words on the tip of her tongue. _Be careful, Kalinda… Don’t stay away too long… Come back… We need you here… I need you here…_ But she didn’t say any of them. “Is there anything I can do for you?” she asked instead. 

“No, I just wanted to know if you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.” Alicia cleared her throat. “Do you know when you’ll be back?”

Kalinda was silent for a while and all Alicia could hear was the noise of cars in the background. “Not in the next two weeks,” she said eventually.

“Will you come back at all?” Alicia had to ask the question and she felt her stomach tighten when Kalinda hesitated.

“I don’t know yet,” she said.

“Kalinda…” Alicia bit on her lip. “Don’t give up what you have here.”

“Alicia, I need to go.” Alicia heard loud voices in the background. It sounded like they were speaking English, but she wasn’t completely sure. “I will call you again.”

“When?”

“Soon.”

Alicia heard a click in the line, then it was quiet. With a sigh, she put her cellphone on the table and let herself drop into the chair where Peter had sat a few minutes ago. There were so many contradictory emotions inside of her that it was difficult to sort them. For one, she felt incredibly relieved that Kalinda had finally called, and that she was alive. But if Peter didn’t do something quickly she would probably never come back. 

Peter looked at Alicia with a concerned frown when she joined him in the living room. “What’s up?” 

“Nothing.” She sat down next to him on the sofa. “Do you have any idea about how you could manage to keep Kalinda’s husband away from her?”

“I need information about him that I can use against him.” Peter took a sip from his wine. “Can you ask Kalinda if she can tell me anything useful?”

Alicia shook her head. “I can’t ask her because she’s gone underground.”

“She’s hiding out?” Peter raised his eyebrows. “And how do I know how to approach her husband?”

Alicia thought about it in silence. Maybe she should contact Blake Calamar again? Or Agent Delaney? Both of them might be able to find out something useful, but Alicia knew that Kalinda wouldn’t want them intruding into her private life. Besides she trusted neither of them to act in Kalinda’s interests if they got more knowledge about her. There had to be a way to help Kalinda without involving more people. “Maybe you should stop the proceedings, for a start, Peter,” she suggested. “And I’ll talk to Kalinda as soon as she contacts me.”

He looked at her doubtfully. “Do you really think Kalinda would approve of your idea? As far as I know she would hate to be in somebody’s debt, especially in mine.”

“I’m sure you two will find a way for her to pay back the favor,” Alicia stated. “She found some very interesting connections between Lewitzky and Bishop for instance, that could be very useful for you…”

“Really?” He laughed but became serious again quickly. “You’ve learned a lot, Alicia. I wish you’d supported my cause like this back then,” he said with regret in his voice. “But I know that’s of my own making.”

Alicia took the last sip of wine from her glass. “Isn’t it enough for you that I’ll be at your side during the gubernatorial campaign?”

“Yes, it is.” He took her hand and squeezed it. “Thank you.”

Alicia stood up when his thumb moved over the back of her hand. “It’s late,” she said. “And Grace has a soccer game tomorrow.”

He sighed. “What happened to the days when we just sat on the sofa and relaxed, drinking a glass of wine together?”

She leaned against the doorframe and smiled at him reassuringly. “We’re in a good place, Peter.”

“Yes, you’re right.” He raised his glass towards her. “I think we are.”


	10. Part 10 - Squaring the Circle

A few days later, Peter called Alicia on her cellphone to tell her that he did indeed see a way of attempting to stop the proceedings over Kalinda’s kidnapping. Everything pointed to the fact that the two kidnappers had killed each other and there was no reason to believe that there were any other participants involved. Any lead the police had followed had come to nothing, and considering the current workload at the State’s Attorney, that was probably enough reason to close the file. However, Peter didn’t want to halt the investigation before Alicia had spoken to Kalinda, as he intended to use the investigation as leverage against her husband. 

Alicia was waiting eagerly for Kalinda to call in order to tell her the good news, but one day passed after the other without any sign from her. Eventually, the investigator had been absent for four weeks and it was increasingly difficult for Alicia to find company whenever she left the apartment. She felt caged and dependent, let alone the fact that her kids probably suspected she suffered from a secret anxiety disorder because she almost never went out on her own anymore. They understood even less why their mother insisted that they'd be constantly surrounded by friends and classmates and Alicia knew that sooner or later she would have to tell them the true reason for her weird behavior.

She was sick and tired of all the precautions, particularly as nothing remarkable had actually occurred as yet, apart from three silent calls that probably had been a coincidence. She couldn’t help herself, she was becoming a bit more frustrated and careless with each passing day. One evening after a long day at court, Alicia felt nothing but relief when the young colleague, with whom she usually drove home, sent her a text that she had already taken the subway. Alicia didn’t even try to call another person and took a deep breath when she closed the car door behind her. It was such a good feeling to have her car back to herself again. 

Her relief didn’t last long though. As soon as she was driving home in the darkness Alicia regretted her decision and nervously checked the rearview mirror every two minutes to make sure that she wasn’t being followed. Half an hour later, when she arrived at the badly-lit parking lot near her apartment, she instinctively reached for the pepper spray in her coat pocket. It was almost 10:00 P.M. by now and the parking lot was completely deserted. With one hand in her coat pocket Alicia left her car and took a few steps towards the exit. Maybe she was being paranoid, but she noticed something that sounded like scratching only a few meters away. Probably just a rat, but it was best to stay alert. 

Alicia was startled when a figure suddenly stepped out of the darkness. She immediately fumbled for the trigger of the pepper spray and with her other hand she pulled out her keys. Just as she was silently counting the steps towards the exit the figure moved and the trace of a distant light brightened the face. 

“Kalinda?” Alicia’s keys fell clashing to the ground.

Kalinda stepped closer to pick them up. “Can we talk?” she asked as she gave her the keys. 

“Of course.” Alicia put the pepper spray back into her pocket and together they left the parking area. Kalinda constantly scanned the surroundings on the way to Alicia’s flat, which shattered Alicia’s hopes that this nightmare would be over soon. 

“Could you do the things you had to do?” Alicia asked after she had opened the front door for Kalinda. 

“Yes.”

“But you’re not officially back in Chicago?”

“No.”

“You shouldn’t be seen?”

“No.”

“Okay.” Alicia suppressed a sigh. “Please, sit down. I’m going to make us some coffee.”

Kalinda went to the living room and sat down in an arm chair while Alicia turned on the coffee machine in the kitchen. A few minutes later she joined Kalinda and put two mugs and a coffee pot in front of her on the living room table. “How are you?” she asked while pouring coffee in each of their mugs. She handed one of them to Kalinda and sat down in an armchair as well. 

“I’m alive.” Kalinda gratefully reached for the coffee and warmed her hands against the mug. 

“Were you in India?”

“No, in Toronto.”

“How much longer will you have to stay in hiding?” 

Kalinda was silent for a long while and stared at her coffee mug. “Kalinda Sharma won’t be alive for very much longer,” she said eventually.

“A new identity again?” Alicia burned her tongue with the hot coffee and put the mug back on the table. “You want to start over again?”

“Yes.” Kalinda nodded almost imperceptibly. “There’s no other way.”

“Yes, there is.” Alicia looked carefully at her best friend. Maybe this was the wrong moment to tell her about her idea but she wouldn’t get a second chance. “I talked to Peter,” she added matter-of-factly. 

Kalinda raised her head, surprised. “You talked to Peter?”

“It’s in his own interests if he declines to prosecute.”

“It won’t change anything,” Kalinda shook her head. “Nick knows where I am and he’ll never leave me in peace.”

“Is Nick your husband?”

Kalinda nodded again. “I can’t live like this, Alicia. I need my freedom.”

Alicia quietly stirred her coffee, praying that she would find the right words. “I know it’s none of my business, Kalinda, but you will never be free if you go on like this,” she said slowly. “Peter has agreed to take action against your husband if you’re ready to give him some relevant information about Lewitzky and Bishop.” That was definitely a lie, Peter hadn’t imposed any conditions, but Alicia hoped that Kalinda would feel less indebted to him if it seemed more like a deal than a favor.

Kalinda turned her head towards Alicia and looked at her in disbelief. “You talked to Peter about this? I asked you not to do that.”

“I know, but it’s wrong, Kalinda. You know that it’s wrong what you’re doing.”

“No, it’s not.”

Alicia shook her head in frustration. She finally had found a way to help Kalinda and now she was too stubborn to accept it. “It’s not always about you, Kalinda,” she said calmly. “Your decisions have an effect on other people. You can’t always act as though the people around you don’t exist.”

“I never did that.”

“Well, now you do.” Alicia stopped herself when she noticed that the last words had come out more harshly than she had intended. “I think I might have a plan,” she added more quietly. “Please, at least hear me out.”

“You don’t get it, Alicia.” Kalinda put her mug on the table and got up from her arm chair. “I don’t _want_ to stay. I want to leave.”

“But why?”

“Because…” Kalinda crossed her arms searching for words. “Chicago doesn’t fit me anymore. I’ve never wanted to be the person I am here.”

“What are you talking about?” Alicia stood up as well and took a couple of steps towards her. “Before I accidentally contacted your husband you felt okay here, didn’t you?”

Kalinda didn’t respond to that. “Too much has happened,” she said making a vague gesture.

“What do you mean by that? What happened?”

“I’m not free anymore.” Kalinda raised her head and for the first time Alicia noticed the dark rings under her eyes. What kind of war was Kalinda fighting? This couldn’t be the right way. “I don’t expect you to understand me, Alicia.” Proud and almost defiant, she stood there, reminding Alicia of a commander walking away from a lost battle with his head held high. 

“Are you talking about me?”

“Amongst other things...”

“What’s wrong with me?”

Kalinda shook her head and laughed. “Don’t you see what’s happening here?” she asked. “You’re making me weak. I’m susceptible to blackmail, to being manipulated, and I’m losing my focus.”

“I thought we were a good team,” Alicia said bitterly. 

“I would disappoint you sooner or later, Alicia. Believe me…”

Alicia lowered her head when Kalinda’s words sank in. It hadn’t occurred to her that Nick wasn’t the only one Kalinda was running from. She was running from her, from…this. But did she really intend to spend the rest of her life on the run with nothing and no one meaning anything to her? “Who hurt you so much?” Alicia asked quietly.

Kalinda moved to get past her, but Alicia grabbed her arm to keep her from leaving. When Kalinda tried to shake her off, Alicia pulled at her arm with all her strength and Kalinda crashed into her chest. Instinctively, Alicia put her arms around her and held her tight, until Kalinda finally gave up her resistance. 

“I only came here to say good-bye,” Kalinda whispered. “I didn’t want you to get worried when Kalinda Sharma goes missing.”

But Alicia didn’t let her go. Kalinda felt so small and fragile in her arms, like a captured bird that Alicia was sure would fly against the window pane again and again if she didn’t protect it. “You’re so wrong about this, Leela,” she said quietly and she felt the shiver running through Kalinda’s body when she said her real name. “Usually you’re the one who’s open to experiments, aren’t you?” 

“Not to this one.”

Alicia closed her eyes when Kalinda’s perfume reached her nostrils and reminded her of the kisses they had shared here in this room weeks ago. “What will you do if it happens to you again, with somebody else?” she asked quietly. “Are you going to leave town every time?”

“It won’t happen again.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because it’s never happened to me before.”

Alicia loosened her embrace to look at her. “Kalinda…”

“Please, let me go, Alicia.” Kalinda’s eyes were filled with tears. “I need to do this.”

Her words sounded so ultimate and final that Alicia’s heart dropped. Kalinda was really here for a good-bye. “No, Kalinda…” She shook her head, stunned. “No…”

But Kalinda broke away from her and reached for her jacket. “Take care, Alicia,” she said quietly. A few seconds later Alicia heard the door click shut. 

 

* * *

 

“Wasn’t that Kalinda in front of the house?” Zach chucked his gym bag down next to the sofa. “Did you have a fight? She didn’t even say hi when she passed us.”

“Have you been crying, Mom?” Grace had noticed the tissue in Alicia’s hand and sat down next to her. 

“We had an argument.” Alicia took a deep breath and laid an arm around her daughter. “It happens between colleagues too.”

“Was it about a case?” Zach was all ears. 

“More or less.” Alicia put the tissue back into her pocket and waved Zach over to her. “Have you two eaten yet or do you want me to make toast for you?”

“No, we had dinner at Thomas’ place,” Grace explained. “Pizza, like always. That’s the only thing his father can manage.”

“We’ll have something healthier tomorrow, I promise.” Alicia looked at her watch. “Gosh, it’s almost eleven. You need to get to bed.” 

Alicia felt so exhausted that she went to bed right after she had said good-night to the kids. Yet as soon as she lay down in her bed the shock of Kalinda’s departure came back full force. She couldn’t believe that things had turned around so quickly. After the talk with Peter she had felt so confident that Kalinda would agree to her plan. She hadn’t considered that Kalinda’s inner demons were stronger than her outer ones, and the thought that she would never see her again brought the tears back in an instant. 

For months Alicia had asked herself what it was that she felt for Kalinda. What she wanted from her and why she felt so drawn to her. Why she had kissed her. Twice. How it had happened that something physical had slipped into their friendly, collegial relationship. At first Alicia hadn’t taken it seriously -- half of the employees at Lockhart & Gardner had secret fantasies about the firm’s investigator, and Alicia knew that a bisexual predisposition lay dormant in every human being. Of course, she hadn’t forgotten the constant discussions between Owen and her mother at the time of his coming out, so why shouldn’t she react physically to Kalinda’s affection? Anyone who wouldn’t was either made of stone, asexual or pathologically ignorant. 

But after the work party Alicia had had to admit to herself that this wasn’t just a physical attraction. And it wasn’t a temporary confusion. And if Alicia had looked more closely she might have noticed that the way she had treated Kalinda after she had heard about her night with Peter had indeed been over the top. She had forgiven him long before she had been ready to forgive her but she had never asked herself why.

The actual key however had been the kiss on her sofa -- the very thought of it made Alicia’s body tingle again. At this very moment all the countless questions that had been haunting her for months were reduced to a single answer. But before she could find out where this was going Kalinda had decided to leave. It just wasn’t fair. It was cruel and cynical. Maybe she should have tried harder to hold onto her. Why, why hadn’t she held on?

After three hours of tossing and turning Alicia still hadn’t fallen asleep and she decided to get up and work on the trial that was scheduled for tomorrow. She was representing the parents of a nine year old child with a nut allergy, who were suing a huge food manufacturer whose warning note hadn’t been written visibly enough on the cereal package. The parents, Mr. and Mrs. Newland, were aware that their chances against a food giant were minimal, but they hoped for a reaction from the media, which would harm the company in a different way. 

Alicia pressed her hands against her temples and tried to focus on her documents. It was useless to sit here and try to read her notes. She couldn’t concentrate on them anyway. Besides, the trial would start at 9:00 A.M. tomorrow and if she didn’t get at least a few hours of sleep she wouldn’t be able to present Lockhart & Gardner’s case properly. 

Alicia got up from her chair and walked to the window. It was still dark outside but she could hear the rain splashing against the window. For some reason it was a comforting sound and Alicia stared into the darkness for a little while longer. It was a stormy night and she could see the trees bending over, illuminated by the swaying streetlights. 

Just when Alicia turned around to go back to the bedroom she heard a muffled sound. At first she thought she had only imagined it but then she heard the sound again. Was it knocking? Who was knocking at her door in the middle of the night? 

Alicia reached for her pepper spray and tiptoed to the front door. It was dark in the hallway too, so she couldn’t see anything when she looked through the peephole. But after a while her eyes had adjusted and she could recognize the outlines of a person. It was impossible to identify the face but the height was about Kalinda’s stature and Alicia decided to take the risk. Cautiously, she turned the key but didn’t remove the door chain when she peered into the darkness. 

“I’m still in town,” Kalinda said quietly. 

Alicia quickly removed the chain and opened the door to let Kalinda enter her flat. Only when she had closed the door and looked at her did she see that Kalinda was trembling in every limb. “My God, you’re soaked. Have you been out there all night?” Alicia whispered. “It’s been raining for hours.”

“His men are observing my flat.” Kalinda crossed her arms, shivering. “I couldn’t go in.”

“You need to get out of these clothes.” Alicia led her to the bathroom and then went to her bedroom to get a fresh towel and a pair of pajamas while Kalinda was taking off her clothes. The pajamas would be much too big for Kalinda, but Alicia figured that a t-shirt wouldn’t be warm enough. She placed the towel and the pajamas down in front of the threshold of the bathroom door and waited for Kalinda to give her the wet clothes so that she could put them into the dryer. 

Kalinda was still trembling when she stepped out of the bathroom in Alicia’s blue pajamas and for a second Alicia thought about running a hot bath for her. But she didn’t want to wake up the kids and she urgently needed some sleep herself. So she quickly put Kalinda’s clothes into the dryer and gestured for her to follow her to the bedroom. There she lifted the blanket on the side of bed that had once been Peter’s, and waited for Kalinda to slip under it. She made sure that Kalinda’s body was fully covered before she got back into the bed herself. 

Kalinda hadn’t said a word since she had entered the apartment, and Alicia didn’t know if this was a sign of acquiescence or if she was simply too embarrassed to talk. For a while they lay silently next to each other and Alicia could hear Kalinda’s irregular breathing and her teeth chattering against each other. After ten minutes she still hadn’t stopped trembling and Alicia moved to her side, put her arms around her and drew her close to her own warm body. 

“I like your bedroom,” Kalinda murmured. 

“I know.” Alicia slid her thighs gently behind Kalinda’s. Even the back of her knees were cold, but Alicia felt warm enough for both of them. 

“Try to get some sleep.” Alicia laid down her face near Kalinda’s neck and closed her eyes. “You’re safe here,” she whispered and eventually felt her own body relaxing. She breathed deeply when the exotic flavor of Kalinda’s damp hair reached her nose and she took a silent vow that she wouldn’t let her leave again tonight. 

It took quite a while until Kalinda finally stopped shaking, but when she did, it wasn’t long before she fell asleep. Alicia however lay awake for a while longer and savored the feeling of the petite body in her arms. But eventually drowsiness got the better of her and she fell into a deep, restful sleep. 

 

* * *

 

When the alarm clock started to beep at 6:30 A.M. Alicia jerked up out of a sound sleep. Still in a semi-conscious state she reached for the alarm clock, pressed the button and fell back into her cushion. Next to her Kalinda sighed softly -- a strange, almost inaudible sound that stirred something deep inside of Alicia and she leant on her elbow to look at the beautiful face that she had never seen so relaxed before. If only it was within her power to keep the world outside away from her. Gently, she caressed Kalinda’s temple with her fingertips. “Go back to sleep,” she whispered. “You really need it.”

Kalinda murmured something and turned onto her other side. It was hard to tear her eyes away from her but Alicia knew that she had to hurry up. She moved to the bathroom as quietly as possible and also admonished Zach and Grace not to make any noise when they appeared, sleepy like always, in the kitchen. 

“Why are we whispering?” Grace whispered.

“We have a guest in the bedroom,” Alicia whispered back. 

“Who is it?” Zack looked at his mother, surprised. “You went to bed right after us.”

“It’s my colleague Kalinda.” Alicia placed some scrambled eggs onto his plate. “She’s with us because she’s not safe enough in her own flat.”

“Why can’t she book a hotel room?” Grace wanted to know.

“I don’t know. Officially she’s not in Chicago, so maybe she doesn’t want to leave any trails.”

“Cool.” Zach’s face brightened. 

“You and your Kalinda.” Grace rolled her eyes. “That woman is much too old for you.”

“Zach and Grace.” Alicia looked at her children sternly. “I need you to keep this a secret. Don’t tell anybody that she’s here, okay?” She turned to Zach. “Not even Nisa. Am I understood?”

“No problem.” Zach shoved a huge forkful of scrambled eggs into his mouth. “Is this because of a case again? Like that drug dealer or something?”

“Something like that.” Alicia took her half-empty plate back to the kitchen and threw the rest of the food into the trashcan. “Grace, did you pack your soccer shoes?”

“Yes, Mom.”

“And Zach, do you have your atlas?”

“Yes, Mom,” he mimicked his sister who threw a lethal glance at him. “Will Kalinda still be here when we’re back from school?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t say.”

“Did you make up with each other again?” Grace asked compassionately. “Stephanie and I aren’t talking to each other either. It sucks.”

Usually this was the cue for every good mother to immediately probe further and check if her child had any problems that needed to be solved. But Alicia didn’t have the energy today. “I’m sure you will sort things out,” she said and patted Grace’s shoulder. “By the way, would you like to do something together on the weekend?”

“Thomas wants to show me his new Wii game on Sunday.” Zach made a face. 

“Then how about Saturday?”

“Okay, let’s do it.” Grace beamed when her brother agreed with a nod. “What are we going to do, Mom?”

“You decide,” Alicia suggested. “Will you clear the counter when you’re finished? I need to take care of a few things.”

With a pad of writing paper Alicia went to the living room and sat down at the table in order to write down a message for Kalinda. But as soon as she held the pen in her hand she found that she had no idea what to write. Would Kalinda still be here when she came back in the evening? Why did she come back to Chicago at all? Just to say good-bye to her? That seemed unlikely. But whatever the reason was, Alicia was sure that Kalinda wouldn’t tell her. She sighed quietly and started to write:

_Good morning, Kalinda._  
 _Please make yourself at home here and help yourself to whatever you need. I put two towels and a toothbrush in the bathroom. Sometimes it takes a while till the water is hot enough for a shower. You’ll find fruits and vegetables in the fridge and there’s a pizza in the freezer. The key next to this note is for you in case you want to leave the apartment. If you don’t intend to come back, just pull the door closed behind you. Grace and Zach will be back at 3:00 P.M. but will drive to their friends’ later. I won’t be back before 5:00 P.M. (because of the Newland trial.)_  
 _Take care,_  
 _Alicia_

Alicia read the note one more time before she folded it and laid it down on the kitchen counter together with the key. She tip-toed back to the bedroom to get her purse and found Kalinda still sound asleep. A bare, tanned foot peeped out from under the blanket and Alicia cautiously pulled the blanket to cover it. Surprisingly, Kalinda didn’t wake up and Alicia wondered if this was perhaps the first time in months that Kalinda felt safe. Maybe she hadn’t really slept in weeks and it filled Alicia with pride that it was her home that made it possible for her to finally feel safe. 

When Alicia looked at the petite figure in her bed she felt such tenderness for this strong, brave person who had to fight so hard for her freedom that it was difficult not to bend down and touch her. It was only with reluctance that Alicia could tear her eyes away from her, but the alarm clock reminded her that she was late already. And so, with a last glance at the sleeping person in her bed, she quietly closed the bedroom door and left the apartment right behind her children. 

 

* * *

 

The court room was nearly filled to its full capacity when Alicia arrived and at least a third of the visitors seemed to be from the press. Alicia’s clients, the parents of the little girl with the nut allergy, were waiting impatiently for her arrival and Alicia would have loved to instantly turn around and leave when she met Diane’s look of reproach. Alicia’s boss wasn’t participating in this trial but she sat in the audience to observe it. “Excuse me, I was held up,” Alicia apologized to her clients Mr. and Mrs. Newland. “I talked to the opposing party yesterday, by the way, and they are under no circumstances ready for a settlement,” she informed the couple while she spread her papers on the table. 

“It’s David against Goliath, we know that.” Mrs. Newland linked arms with her husband. “All we want is that they don’t get away with this so easily.”

“We all agree on that.” Alicia smiled and rose from her chair, like everybody else, when Judge Abernathy entered the court room. She was quite relieved that they were at least in luck with the judge, since Charles Abernathy would very likely be sympathetic to them, although he always took his duty to give an objective verdict quite seriously. 

“Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen,” Judge Abernathy started and folded his hands. “Let’s start the day with some good thoughts for all the allergic people in America whose bodies suffer from great torments, only because their immune system sees enemies where there aren’t any,” he said in a solemn tone. “No matter what the issues in this trial are, the suffering of allergic people is indisputable and I hope everybody here knows about the World Allergy Day on December 9th.” He lowered his head and Alicia, who met Mr. Newland’s confused look, gestured that he should mimic the judge’s gestures. “So….” Judge Abernathy said after a few seconds of collective silence. “I hope both sides are prepared to begin opening statements?”

The morning started out slow and unpleasant, as the attorney of the food manufacturer took every opportunity to pelt the judge with a plethora of expert reports. Alicia however, bet on the likeability factor of her clients -- the more the food concern puffed itself up, the more human and likeable the fight of her clients appeared who were putting themselves out for their little daughter’s health so passionately. Nevertheless the warning note for allergy warnings had indeed been printed on the cereal package. The question was, how easily visible and in which font size a warning had to be printed, and at what point it was negligent to call possible residues “traces” of nuts. These questions kept both parties in a tough struggle well into the late afternoon. 

Alicia took a relieved breath when Judge Abernathy finally picked up the gavel and adjourned the trial to the next day. “It was a good start,” she informed the likewise relieved Newlands. “We’ve given the press a lot of bait. Let’s see if they’ll take it.”

“We’ve already ordered all the relevant newspapers,” Mrs. Newland said eagerly. “We’ll give you a copy of the articles.”

“Thanks, but our firm gets them anyway.” Alicia smiled. “Don’t think about the trial too much and do something nice tonight instead. A trial like this takes a lot of strength and you should save your energy for your testimony tomorrow.”

Alicia left the courtroom together with her clients and then talked to Diane for a while. Her boss was quite satisfied with Alicia’s strategy but criticized the fact that she showed too much respect to the expert reports. “I’m sure each and every report has a weak point somewhere,” she explained. “I told Courtney to collect everything we know about the experts and put it on your desk.”

Alicia nodded hesitatingly. Diane wanted her to drive to her office now? What if Kalinda was gone when she came home so late? But there was no way to say no to her boss, not when a trial was being followed by the public like this. It was one of the most important trials of the year and if Alicia ever wanted to become an equity partner she couldn’t just excuse herself for private reasons. “Thank you, Diane,” she said dutifully and promised to let her know if she found anything useful in the documents on her desk.

It was already 5:30 P.M. when Alicia drove to Lockhart & Gardner and when she saw the big pile of papers Courtney had prepared for her she decided to take the documents home and work on them there. At 6:00 P.M. she had everything ready and drove home as quickly as possible. Again, she didn’t have her young colleague with her and Alicia was quite aware that she was downright tempting fate with her imprudence, but she didn’t want to lose even one more minute. Thankfully everything went smoothly and Alicia arrived at her flat without incident. 

Alicia’s heart sank when she found her apartment empty. The kitchen was sparkling clean and tidy, so Kalinda must have cleaned up and washed the dishes before she left. The apartment keys lay on the kitchen counter but Alicia didn’t find any note next to them. Maybe in the living room? Alicia scoured her whole apartment for any kind of message but didn’t find anything. The blue pajamas lay, neatly folded together, in the bathroom and on the heating rail Alicia found a towel that was still slightly damp. The toothbrush she had given Kalinda stood next to hers in the glass, and Alicia absentmindedly stroked the small bristles when she took it and sat down on the edge of the bathtub. 

That was it. Kalinda was gone.

Alicia felt the little energy she had had left abruptly leaving her body. She just sat there, numb, staring at the white tiles of her bathroom floor. She had taken Kalinda’s presence for granted, from the beginning. But nothing was sure when it came to somebody like Kalinda. She was a nomad, maybe always had been, and she had warned Alicia more than once to stay away from her. But Alicia hadn’t listened and now she had to pick up the pieces. 

Alicia thought back to their first meeting when she had entered her office at Lockhart & Gardner for the very first time and had immediately assumed she must have entered the wrong door because of the foreign woman sitting at her desk. Kalinda Sharma had seemed presumptuous and arrogant and she hadn’t been very keen to work with Alicia. She didn’t hide her low opinion of mothers who lived in Highland Park and thought they could go back to their jobs after a thirteen year absence just like that. But at the end of the day they had found a good working relationship, characterized by mutual respect and esteem that they had never lost, not even in the worst of times. 

More and more scenes came to Alicia’s mind: complicated cases on which they had worked together; relaxed evenings with a glass of beer or tequila; the hours of research in Alicia’s apartment; their rift after Peter’s election; and months later the hint of joy on Kalinda’s face when Alicia cautiously tried to give their friendship another chance. Then the kidnapping, the days at the ICU, Kalinda’s return to work, the kiss at the work party… everything was strangely alive in her mind. 

In her mind’s eye Alicia saw Kalinda in her blue pajamas, peacefully sleeping in her bed, in her arms. Maybe she could hold on to these moments when the _Chicago Tribune_ reported that the investigator of a major law firm had gone missing. And maybe the knowledge that Kalinda was alive somewhere on this planet would make the emptiness seem more bearable. 

Alicia stared at the toothbrush in her hand. It was ridiculous but she couldn’t let go of it and so she decided to take it with her to the kitchen. Zach and Grace would be hungry when they came home and she hadn’t eaten anything today except for some toast for breakfast. 

Alicia opened a drawer to get out a pan, but stopped in the middle of the movement when suddenly, without warning, the dam broke and hot tears welled up and flooded over her cheeks. She pressed her hands against her burning lids, but nothing helped. The tears ran through her fingers and dropped onto the cold kitchen floor. Alicia looked helplessly for a tissue box and when she opened another drawer to get one, a pan fell rattling to the ground. The sound was so loud that she didn’t hear the lock of her front door turning, and so she was completely startled when her children entered the kitchen. 

“Mom!” Grace called, terrified. “What’s going on? Are you alright?”

Alicia jumped at the voice of her daughter and put the tissue box back on the table. “Don’t worry, honey. Everything’s fine,” she tried to assure Grace and wiped the damp from her cheeks with a tissue. “Why are you back so early?”

“Warren wasn’t feeling well, a stomach virus or something. So I called Grace and asked her if we could go home sooner.” Zach looked at his mother concerned. “Does it have to do with a case again?”

“We had some tough weeks at the firm.” Alicia nodded.

“How about we do the cooking tonight?” Grace suggested. “And you can just sit here and watch us.”

Alicia smiled. “How about we do the cooking together?” she proposed and blew her nose. 

“Fine with me. What do we have?” Zach walked to the fridge to inspect the contents. “We can make blueberry pancakes.”

“For dinner?” Grace grimaced. “Mom, you should choose something and then we’ll do it.”

“Well, I bought a veal roast at the market.” Alicia took another tissue from the box. “Would that be okay?”

Zach had found the bag with the meat and pulled it out of the fridge. “Are you sure Kalinda would eat something like that? Maybe she’s Hindu or something.”

Alicia raised her head. “Did you talk to Kalinda?”

“Yeah, when we came back from school.” Zack closed the refrigerator. “She said she needed to take care of some things and would be back towards evening.” 

Alicia stood in her kitchen, thunderstruck, and stared at her son. “But the keys…”

“You mean these?” Zach’s eyes followed Alicia’s eyes to the kitchen counter. “I accidentally left them here when I went to visit Warren. But Grace had her keys with her.” He walked to his sister and held the beef up under her nose to get her opinion. 

Grace dropped her thumb voting out the roast veal. “Is that a problem, Mom?” she asked. “You said yourself that it’s too dangerous for her to be in her own flat.”

“Yes, of course, I…” Alicia was about to give their children a long explanation for her weird behavior when she heard somebody unlocking the front door. Only a few seconds later Kalinda walked into the kitchen and stopped hesitantly. Her look wandered from the kids to the half-empty tissue box and eventually to Alicia’s puffy face. 

“Hi.”


	11. Part 11 - Squaring the Circle

Kalinda had been to Alicia’s apartment before, several times in fact over the course of the last few years, but it had never been for a purely private visit. She wasn’t the type for a nice home-cooked meal with the family, so Alicia had never invited her home under such circumstances. Tonight however, Kalinda was a guest in her apartment and so joined Alicia and her children for dinner. Alicia, who had reluctantly given in to Zach’s wishes, made blueberry pancakes and Kalinda complied by eating politely. 

At the table, Alicia found it very difficult to focus on the conversation and keep her thoughts from drifting off. There were too many unsaid things hanging in the air, but there was no way she could talk to Kalinda with Zach and Grace at the table. Was she planning to stay for a while longer, or would she leave Chicago after she had done whatever it was she had to do? Why did Kalinda feel safer in their apartment than in her own? Surely her husband knew Alicia’s address by now and he certainly suspected where Kalinda was. So why was Kalinda so confident that he wouldn’t do anything as long as she was staying in Alicia’s apartment? None of these things made sense to Alicia. 

Kalinda was likewise absorbed by her thoughts. She seemed preoccupied after reading the message she had just received on her cellphone. Alicia noticed that Kalinda wasn’t using her usual BlackBerry but a small ancient Samsung instead, probably to avoid being tracked. Some people obviously did have the number though, otherwise she wouldn’t have received the message. 

The kids, who weren’t aware of the tension at the table, told their mother the elaborate story of Zach almost running over a pedestrian on their way home. The man had appeared in front of his car without warning and Zach had hit the brakes just in time. “One second later and that guy would have ended up under my hood,” Zach said, laid-back. “Fortunately, my mom’s a lawyer.”

Alicia was horrified when she heard about the near miss and fought back the urge to pull her son firmly into her arms, as she knew that it would embarrass him to be cuddled in front of Kalinda. Instead she told him that he did great. “I’m really glad that you’re such a careful driver, Zach,” she added. “But next time you should take the Edens Expressway after you’ve visited Warren.”

“I couldn’t because there was an accident somewhere,” Zach shrugged. “And I didn’t do anything wrong. It was the guy who didn’t look where he was going.”

“Would you have defended Zach, Mom?” Grace asked her mother. 

“I would have made sure that he got the best attorney at the firm,” Alicia responded, smiling. “And that’s not me.”

“Would you have defended Zach?” Grace turned to Kalinda. 

“I’m not a lawyer.” Kalinda looked up from her cellphone. “I would do the same as Alicia.”

Zach’s face reddened when Kalinda caught him staring at her. “How was the trial today, Mom?” he asked his mother. “Didn’t you have to represent that cereal couple that’s all over the newspapers?”

“Yes, and it went better than I thought it would.” Alicia was more than willing to help her son out of the awkward situation by changing the subject. “But the other side is trying to beat us to death with expert reports,” she explained, placing another pancake on his plate. 

That got Kalinda’s attention, and she looked up. “There’s no jury?”

“I had hoped for one, but Webster declined our petition.”

“Webster is the defending lawyer?” Kalinda raised her eyebrows. “It’s no surprise he’s hitting you with experts. That’s what he always does.”

“You know him?” Alicia dropped her fork. 

“Yes, we had to deal with him a lot when I worked for the prosecution.”

“And? Have you ever discovered any weak spots in the expert reports?”

“Sometimes.” Kalinda laid her napkin onto her empty plate and pushed it aside. “Do you want me to have a look at the reports?”

Alicia hesitated. Of course Kalinda would be a great help, but Alicia didn’t want to bother her with this. She certainly had more important things to do than helping her work on a case that was a long shot anyway.

“Is it the pile on the living room table?” Kalinda had already gotten up and carried her empty plate to the kitchen. 

“Yes,” Alicia responded, puzzled. Apparently Kalinda didn’t have a problem with working on Alicia’s case. “We’ll be in the living room,” she told her kids and smiled reassuringly when Zach looked disappointed. “It won’t take long,” she promised.

“Can I call Dad?” Grace enquired eagerly. “If this Webster guy had a lot to do with the State’s Attorney, Dad might be able to give you some hints.”

“You know that’s not possible.” Alicia stroked her daughter’s head lovingly. Now that she was getting along better with her father, she took every opportunity to call him. “But of course you can call Dad.”

Grace gave her a kiss. “Can he come with us next Saturday when we’re doing something together?”

“No, Grace. Maybe another time.” Alicia turned to Zach. “No word to anyone that Kalinda is here, okay?”

“I’m not a kid anymore, Mom.” He rolled his eyes.

“Yes, I know.” Alicia nodded at both of her children and followed Kalinda into the living room. 

Courtney’s documents were already distributed in small piles on the living room table and Kalinda was sitting on the sofa, immersed in a heavy file lying in her lap. “What kind of weak spot do you need?” she asked without looking up.

“Any. But it’s not about acquiring new expert reports; it’s only about harming theirs.” Alicia sat down beside her and reached for a folder with the emblem of the _Winston Medical Laboratories_. “There are three reports,” she explained while she flipped the folder open. “A medical one about the symptoms of allergies, one about the legislative requirements for labels on food packages, and one from a food scientist that’s about the term _traces_ in food.” 

“This one’s the food science report.” Kalinda moved the file in her lap to the table. “Is that the medical one in your hands?”

“Yes. The author is a Dr. Brad Johnson,” Alicia read. “He’s working for the _Winston Medical Laboratories._ ”

“Never heard of him but I know the laboratory he works for. Webster used them quite often.” Kalinda leaned over Alicia’s folder. “As far as I remember, their reputation is that they tend to quote unreliable studies. Sometimes the studies were out of date or the samples were too small, sometimes the test design was deficient or the laboratory quoted studies where the results weren’t significant.”

Alicia flipped to the last pages of the document where the sources were listed. “Where do I get a physician who’s able to evaluate the quality of the quoted studies? We start hearing witness testimony tomorrow.”

“Call Dr. Sean in New York and tell him I said ‘hi’. He’ll give you what you need.” Kalinda wrote down the name of a website. “You’ll find the number for his secretary on the front page. Who’s the legislative expert?”

“It’s written by Professor Lieberman.” Alicia reached for the farthest pile on the table. She didn’t have much hope of finding something that would weaken the document, because Lieberman was well known for his thorough work.

“Even a professor can have a bad day,” Kalinda murmured. “It’s worth a try.”

She started checking out the food science document while Alicia was reading the legislative one. They worked silently side by side for nearly an hour and Alicia, who had given up on finding anything unusual in Lieberman’s expert report, used the time to prepare herself for the upcoming day of hearings. Both of the Newlands would need to testify tomorrow and Alicia had noticed a few things that she needed to tell them before the continuation of the trial.

“Can you turn on your laptop?” Kalinda suddenly asked. “I need to know the names of the graduate students that work for Dr. Millington.”

“Is anything wrong with the graduate students?” Alicia did as she was told and opened the website of the University of Chicago. 

Kalinda pointed at the document in her lap. “Either this guy is the first man who doesn’t need any sleep or he didn’t personally write all of his articles. It’s not possible to publish so many different articles in one year.”

“This is the page of the Department of Food Science. “ Alicia turned the screen to Kalinda. There are two graduate students, Julie Vanderleigh and Martin Linnehan.”

Kalinda took her cellphone and got up from the sofa. “I’ll be right back.”

Alicia didn’t understand why Kalinda couldn’t talk in front of her but she had stopped wondering about these kinds of things long ago. Instead, she took another of Courtney’s documents and delved into it. 

More than twenty minutes passed before Kalinda returned to the living room, but her expression revealed that she had been successful. “Guess where William Millington was on May 20th?” Kalinda said as she sat down next to Alicia again. 

“Is that the date of our expert report?”

“Yes.” Kalinda raised her index finger and Alicia had to suppress a smile at the familiar gesture. It always meant that Kalinda had come across something interesting. “He was at Northwestern Hospital because of an acute renal colic”, Kalinda explained with a chuckle. “He certainly didn’t write this report there.”

“You think it was one of his students?”

“Martin was in Scotland at the time but Julie could have done it.”

Alicia slowly shook her head. “Abernathy won’t like that,” she said smiling.

“Abernathy is the judge?” Kalinda suppressed a chuckle. “In that case it’s more than enough to weaken Webster’s strategy.”

“But the most important expert is the legislative one,” Alicia pointed out.

“You didn’t find anything there?”

“No, it’s a classic, flawless Lieberman report.”

“Maybe it’ll be sufficient to refute just two of Webster’s documents. All you want is to put a damper on him, right?”

“Yes.” Alicia put the file in her lap back onto the table and took a deep breath. It was so easy to fall back into her normal routine with Kalinda, but now that the work was done, the unanswered questions in her mind came back all at once. 

Kalinda seemed to feel the tension too. With crossed arms she stared thoughtfully at the papers on the table and Alicia struggled with the question of whether this was the right moment to ask Kalinda about her plans. She didn’t want to make her uncomfortable but she couldn’t ignore the gigantic elephant in the room either. 

“I still think you should talk to Peter.” she said cautiously. “There’s probably something he can do for you.”

“I’ve talked to him already.”

“You…” Alicia was so perplexed that she started to stutter. “You talked to Peter?”

“Yes. This afternoon.”

“And?”

“He can’t do anything for me.”

“What do you mean he can’t do anything for you? Why not? ” Alicia felt her anger rising. Why did Kalinda make it so complicated? Was she still determined to leave Chicago no matter what? “Is he not able to? Or do you not want him to?”

“That’s irrelevant.”

“My God, Kalinda…” Alicia shook her head. Maybe she really was beyond help.

“Mom!” Grace’s voice interrupted the icy silence between them. “Dad wants to talk to you about the weekend.”

Alicia rose from the sofa. “I’ll be back in a second,” she said to Kalinda and followed Grace to her room. 

“He wants to know if he can join us next weekend,” Grace whispered.

“You didn’t perhaps give him that idea accidentally?” Alicia looked at her daughter, scrutinizing. “I told you that it’ll just be the three of us.” She pated her daughter’s shoulder when Grace looked at the floor in embarrassment. “Peter?” she asked into the phone. “You wanted to talk to me about the weekend?”

“Grace suggested that we could do something together next Saturday,” he explained. “But of course I don’t want to mess up your plans.”

“To be honest, the plan was that the three of us do something together.” Alicia hated to disappoint him, but it was important to point out that they weren’t a single family unit anymore, even if the kids and Peter liked to think that. “Maybe another time.”

“That’s more than fine with me.” Peter laughed. “In fact that would be even better. How about we drive to the music festival next month, like old times?”

Alicia shook her head. “The old times aren’t coming back, Peter.”

“Yes, you’re right.” He laughed again. “But you know what I mean.”

Alicia made a silent gesture to Grace asking her to leave the room. “Peter, one more thing…,” she said as soon as Grace had left. “You talked to Kalinda today?”

“Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that too.” He paused and Alicia knew that he was rubbing his chin to organize his thoughts. “She told me several things that could be used to put pressure on her husband but she doesn’t want me to do that.”

“Why not?”

“She has a point, you know,” he explained. “It would be an idle threat because Kalinda would always try to keep her husband from going to jail. Of course he knows that.”

“How can this be more important to her than her life?” Alicia sat down on Grace’s bed. “I don’t get it.”

“Maybe she has kids somewhere and doesn’t want them to grow up without their parents?”

“I don’t think so. There must be something else.” Alicia ran her fingers through her hair, pondering.

“Whatever it is, I think there’s another option.” Peter cleared his throat.

Alicia sat up straight on the bed. “Really? What?”

“After we talked I checked Kalinda’s information and accidentally found something that she doesn’t seem to know.”

“What is it?”

“Her husband did business with Lemond Bishop.”

“Really?” Alicia shook her head. “This guy seems to have a finger in every pie.” 

“Bishop and Kalinda’s husband were business partners. But they were, and still are, also competitors. It certainly isn’t in Bishop’s interest that her husband enters the drug trade in Chicago,” Peter elaborated. “I have information for Kalinda that she could give to Bishop, information that he can use to blackmail her husband to leave Chicago, and thus get a competitor off his turf. In return for the information, Bishop could show his gratitude towards Kalinda by forcing her husband to agree to leave her alone from now on.” 

“Bishop, of all people?” Alicia almost had to laugh. “He would have her killed in a second.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” Peter objected. “It’s true he doesn’t have any problems with getting rid of somebody who’s in his way. But this guy has a strange sense of honor and he would protect Kalinda if he had committed himself to doing that. Besides, he knows very well that Kalinda is of value to him.”

“Sounds like a deal with the devil,” Alicia murmured.

“Yes, but it could work.”

“So your idea is to give Kalinda information that she forwards to Bishop, which would allow him to blackmail her husband to get him out of Chicago, and part of the deal would be that in return, Bishop promises to get Nick off her back?”

“Exactly.”

“And how is she supposed to keep Bishop from blackmailing her?”

“I’m sure Kalinda will think of something. Maybe she has information that will keep Bishop in check.”

“Information about Bishop and Lewitzky?” Alicia smoothed out the wrinkles of Grace’s blanket, while trying to balance the pros and cons of Peter’s plan. “You know that you won’t get Kalinda’s information about the connection between Bishop and Lewitzky if she needs it to keep Bishop in check, don’t you?”

“Yes, I know. I’m doing it for you, Alicia,” he said in a serious tone. “You made a mistake and put a person in danger. I know how it feels to make mistakes and if there’s a way to make up for them, we should use the opportunity. Besides, you’re friends with Kalinda and we don’t have many friends left.” 

Alicia still hesitated, but maybe she should at least talk to Kalinda about Peter’s idea and see what she thought about it. “Thank you, Peter. I’m sure Kalinda has some kind of information for you to return the favor.” She waved Grace back into her room and gave her the phone back. “Ten more minutes and then it’s bedtime, okay?” Grace nodded and Alicia gave her a kiss on the cheek before she left her daughter’s room. “We’ll all do something nice together another time,” she promised.

Kalinda was talking on the phone when Alicia came back into the living room. For the first time Alicia heard her talking with a stronger accent and she turned on her heel to give her some privacy. But Kalinda waved her back. “At 8:00 P.M. in front of the theatre,” she said into her cellphone. “No company.”

Alicia sat down in an armchair and collected the documents on the table. She couldn’t help but notice that the tone of Kalinda’s voice was different. It sounded like a business call but at the same time there was a subtle familiar undertone in her voice that Alicia had never heard before. 

“Everything settled for the weekend?” Kalinda asked after she switched off her phone. 

Alicia nodded. “May I ask who you were talking to?”

“My husband. He wants to meet me tomorrow.”

“He what?” Alicia lowered the pile of paper in her hands and stared at her in disbelief. “Does he know where you are?”

“He does now. But he won’t move against you, if that’s your question.”

“How do you know that?” Alicia didn’t understand why Kalinda was so confident. Her husband had almost killed her, after all. And she herself wouldn’t be alive either if Kalinda hadn’t fired first at Forrest Creek. “You don’t really intend to meet him, do you?”

“Of course I do. I don’t have a choice.”

“Listen, Kalinda,” Alicia leaned forward and looked directly at her. “I just talked to Peter and he has a plan that’s so bizarre you might like it.”

Kalinda smiled. “You’re making me curious.”

Alicia released a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. At least Kalinda was ready to listen. “What would you say if I told you that your husband has connections to Lemond Bishop?” 

“That wouldn’t surprise me.”

Alicia nodded. She had expected that reaction. “And what if Peter had information about your husband that Bishop would be grateful for? And what if he was ready to protect you from him if you gave him that information?”

“Lemond Bishop?” Kalinda looked at Alicia as if she had completely lost her mind. “I am supposed to make myself susceptible to blackmail from that man?”

“Make a deal with him,” Alicia persisted. “Maybe Peter’s information will be so valuable to him that he’ll be willing to. Besides, you have information about Bishop and Lewitzky that you can use to keep him in check for your part.”

“When did you start talking like me?” Kalinda looked at her, shaking her head slightly. “I shouldn’t have involved you…”

“That’s bull, Kalinda,” Alicia interrupted her. “You have the right to your freedom and I want to help you find it.” She paused when a thought struck her. “Can Nick blackmail you with your family? I mean, if he didn’t have a hold on you anymore, could that harm your family in any way?”

“No, he wouldn’t do anything.”

“So it would be okay as long as he stayed out of prison?”

“Yes.”

Alicia took a deep breath. She had no idea why it was important for the family to have Kalinda’s husband out of jail and hoped that Kalinda would tell her about the connection one day. But at the moment the most important thing was that Peter’s plan could work. “So what do you think?”

Kalinda didn’t respond to that but at least she seemed to be considering the plan. “So this was Peter’s idea?” she asked after a while. “I thought he wanted my information about Lewitzky and Bishop for himself?”

“Yes, he did, but he’s ready to pass on it.”

Kalinda looked past her out of the window. “He wants you back.”

“He’s always wanted me back.”

“Will you go back to him?” Kalinda was still not looking at her. 

“That’s not what this is about.”

“Maybe you should go back to him.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alicia rose abruptly from her arm chair. “I’m perfectly able to decide on my own whom I want to be with.”

“Are you?” Kalinda looked at her strangely.

“Yes, I am.”

Kalinda was about to say something but then decided otherwise and was quiet for a while. “You know that I won’t change my life, don’t you?” she asked eventually.

“Do you think I expect you to?”

Kalinda shrugged. “Are you sure that you’re really being honest with yourself?”

“What are we talking about here?” Alicia felt so sick of Kalinda’s evasive moves and the situation was much too serious for any kind of games.

“Alicia, I told you that some things have no meaning for me,” Kalinda said calmly. 

“You mean that you don’t want to give them any meaning.”

“Call it what you like.”

“Kalinda…” Alicia resisted the impulse to sit down next to her and went to the window instead. The more distance between them the better. “I want you to stay because you have a life here and because I think it’s worth keeping. I don’t…expect anything from you…”

“I will hurt you, Alicia.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want you to hate me.”

“Yes, I know that too.”

Kalinda shook her head and looked at her for a long time. “I’ve never met somebody like you”, she said, pondering. 

Alicia felt herself blushing. She wanted to assure Kalinda that there was no reason to be scared but she knew that would be a lie. There was every reason to be scared and she was scared too. Her eyes wandered to Kalinda’s lips and she wondered why she couldn’t be around her anymore without feeling this urge to touch her. Life would be so much easier if Kalinda just left Chicago forever and things went back to the way they were. No confusing thoughts or feelings, no threats against her or her family. But the thought didn’t comfort Alicia in the least -- on the contrary, it just made her feel empty. 

“Mom, is my gray t-shirt in the laundry?”

Alicia jumped when Zach’s head appeared through the doorframe. “Have you looked in the laundry room?”

“Yes. It’s not there.”

“Then it’s still in the washing basket.”

Zach made a disappointed face and pointed at the table with his head. “Did you make any progress?”

“Yes. Kalinda was a big help.” Alicia purposefully reached for a document from the table. “Let’s see what the judge says tomorrow.”

“Good luck.” Zach raised his thumb. “Grace is in bed already, by the way.”

“Oh, okay.” Alicia turned to Kalinda. “I’m going to go say good-night and be back in a few minutes,” she explained and got up to follow her son. Kalinda just nodded and turned her attention to the documents again. 

When Alicia returned to the living room a few minutes later Kalinda had already collected the rest of the documents and was removing the cushions from the sofa. “You need to get up early tomorrow. So I shouldn’t keep you awake.”

Alicia’s eyes followed Kalinda’s movements as she distributed the sofa cushions amongst the armchairs. “What’s this in aid of?”

“I’m going to sleep on the sofa.”

“Why? What’s wrong with the bedroom?”

“Nothing, but tonight I’m going to sleep here.”

Alicia rolled her eyes. “And what do you want me to tell my children? They’ll think that we had an argument again.”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Kalinda put one cushion against the armrest of the sofa.

“At least sleep in our guestroom then. There’s a real bed there.” Alicia took Kalinda’s elbow and led her to the guestroom. “You’ll have your peace there and we won’t wake you when we get up.”

Kalinda looked around in the room. Her eyes wandered from the big bed to the bookshelves on the wall and eventually to the small desk. “This was Peter’s room,” she stated. “I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

“Okay, change of plan.” Alicia followed Kalinda’s quick steps back to the living room. “I’ll take the sofa and you get the bed.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

Alicia took Kalinda’s cushion and put in on the other side of the couch. “I’ll be the first to get up in the morning and if I sleep on the sofa I won’t wake anybody.”

“Why are you making it so complicated?”

“You’re making it complicated.” Alicia turned to Kalinda. “It’s a king size bed, Kalinda. Four people could sleep in it without a problem. Just try it one more night. You’ll sleep on one side of the bed and I’ll sleep on the other side.” 

Kalinda looked at her warily and Alicia wondered if Kalinda knew how deeply she had snuggled into her arms in her sleep last night. Maybe she was more afraid of herself than of Alicia. 

To her surprise, Kalinda stepped back and started putting the cushions back onto the sofa. “Okay.”

“Good, so that’s settled. I’ll go to the bathroom first.” Alicia sighed with relief. “Tell me if you need anything.”

 

* * *

 

Alicia thought about pretending to be sound asleep when Kalinda, soft-footed, left the bathroom and entered the bedroom. But she decided against it. They weren’t pubescent schoolgirls anymore, even if Kalinda looked a little bit like one with her long hair and the oversized pajama. It wouldn’t make things better if Alicia feigned sleep because Kalinda would see through her anyway. “Thank you for your support with the Newland case,” she said when Kalinda slipped between the sheets next to her. 

“You’re welcome.”

“Good night, Kalinda.”

“Good night, Alicia.”

Alicia heard the quiet rustling as Kalinda pulled up her blanket -- then it was silent. She felt the tiredness in her limbs, but her mind was so awake that it was impossible to think of sleeping. So Alicia decided to ignore the fact that Kalinda was lying next to her, less than a meter away, and tried to think of something different instead. She could think of what she should wear to Zach and Grace’s upcoming school function for instance, and of what she would say to the Newlands tomorrow. Wasn’t it paradoxical trying to persuade herself that she was alone in her bedroom, considering she had just struggled to convince Kalinda to sleep here? 

“Alicia?”

“Yes?”

“You don’t need to lie so close to the edge that you’ll fall out of bed.”

“Oh, okay.” Alicia took her pillow and placed it back where she normally had it. Very good, at least it felt like a normal sleeping position now. She sighed contentedly when she sank into her pillow and heard Kalinda laughing next to her. It was a quiet, relaxed laugh and so sexy that Alicia regretted on the spot not having moved to the sofa. “That’s not funny,” she murmured.

“Sleep well, Alicia.”

“You too.”

With that, the ice was broken and only a few minutes later Alicia was able to fall asleep. What she wasn’t aware of was that for a long time, Kalinda lay awake in the darkness looking at her. Neither did she notice when Kalinda bent down to her very slowly and kissed her forehead before she turned over onto her side and closed her eyes.


	12. Part 12 - Squaring the Circle

The next morning, when the alarm clock roused Alicia from her sleep, the first thing she heard was the sound of showering coming from the bathroom. “I didn’t want to hold up the bathroom when you woke,” Kalinda explained as she came back into the bedroom, dressed and with damp hair. “Besides, I have an early appointment.”

“Thank you.” Alicia rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and threw the blanket aside. She was grateful that Kalinda looked the other way as she toddled, still half asleep, towards her closet. “Do you want to have breakfast with us?” she asked sleepily while she took some fresh underwear and a navy blue suit out of the closet. It was one of the most expensive pieces of clothing she owned and would be appropriate for an appearance in front of the media. The Newland trial was still ongoing, Alicia wouldn’t have to give many interviews, but the media were always hungry for pictures. 

“If it doesn’t cause you problems that I need to leave at eight?” Kalinda seemed to be searching for something, maybe a missing hairpin, but as Alicia wasn’t looking her way she couldn’t say what it was.

“Not at all. Zach and Grace have to leave then too,” Alicia answered and, still avoiding eye contact, left the bedroom and went to the bathroom. She had to shake her head at herself when she leaned over the sink and saw her rumpled image in the mirror. Since when couldn’t she even look at Kalinda? Her years of teenage yearning were far behind her, after all, and it was time to get a grip. She would take a quick shower now and then prepare a tasty breakfast for Kalinda and the kids. She should experience how wonderful it could be to start the day amongst a family.

Indeed Kalinda was integrated into a typical Florrick family morning, and she actually looked less alien in the situation than Alicia had imagined. However, it was a part of her job to melt seamlessly with her surroundings, so it was hard to tell whether Kalinda was enjoying the unusual company or if she was just being polite. She didn’t talk much during breakfast, which Alicia ascribed to the appointment later with her husband. Surely this had to bother her more than she admitted, but Alicia thought it wrong to ask her about it, for they were all in a hurry and hopefully they would get a better chance to talk in the evening. “Do you know yet if you’re meeting Peter today?” she asked while pouring some coffee into Kalinda’s mug.

“Yes, it can’t hurt to hear what he found out.” Kalinda raised her mug and blew softly at the steaming liquid. 

Alicia felt a heavy load falling from her heart. At least Kalinda was willing to listen to Peter’s deliberations, so a little optimism wasn’t uncalled for. “Do you want me to drive you to your apartment so that you can get your car?” 

“Thanks, but I’ll take the subway.”

There was still so much about Kalinda that Alicia couldn’t figure out. Why didn’t she think it was safe enough to stay at her own apartment but considered it alright to meet this Nick guy? “I’ll drive you,” Alicia decided and her voice made it clear that she wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Right after work -- I’ll drive you to Peter and to your other appointment.”

“Can I come with you when you drive to Dad?” Grace asked with her mouth full. 

“It’s a work-related appointment, Grace.” Alicia shook her head. “I wouldn’t come with you to school either.”

“That’s just what we need.” Zach looked so completely horrified that Alicia had to laugh. 

“It was a comparison, not a threat,” she assured him with a chuckle.

Alicia had never ceased to be amazed at her children’s ability to move in slow motion all morning and then suddenly stand in front her within two minutes, ready to go. This morning was no exception and Kalinda joined the kids when they left the apartment. Alicia considered asking her why she had to leave so early but then decided against it. Kalinda knew what she was doing and she wasn’t accountable to Alicia in any way.

In spite of all the question marks in her head, Alicia drove to work feeling much better than the day before. Even the mindless chatter of her young carpooler didn’t bother her today. In trial she felt more energized than she had felt in a long time and the defense attorney, Webster, was not to be envied. Beads of sweat had formed on his forehead even before the first break, and Diane (sitting once again in the audience) smiled at Alicia several times during the trial to show her satisfaction with Alicia’s performance.

Indeed it couldn’t have gone better, for her critique of the expert reports fell on sympathetic ears both with Judge Abernathy and with the press. So Alicia had an easy job when Abernathy finally called Mr. and Mrs. Newland to the witness stand. It still wasn’t very likely that they would win this trial, but the Newlands were more than happy about the impact of their lawsuit. 

Since Alicia wasn’t allowed to talk to the media about any details regarding the current proceedings, the interviews didn’t last very long and she could drive home sooner than she had expected. Kalinda had texted her that she would be meeting Peter at 6:00 P.M. in a room at the Excelsior Hotel and had asked Alicia to wait for her two streets away from her apartment. Kalinda was already there when Alicia arrived, and slipped into the passenger seat as soon as Alicia stopped the car. 

Kalinda had a black gym bag with her, which she threw onto the backseat before sitting down. “How was the trial?” she asked buckling up. “Were you able to contest the expert reports?”

“Oh yes. You should have seen Abernathy’s face.” Alicia said as she maneuvered her Buick through the labyrinth of illegally parked cars. 

“He was thrilled?”

“Definitely, but of course he couldn’t show it.”

As soon as they had navigated the side streets Alicia started telling Kalinda about the trial in more detail. “Webster turned red with anger. He almost bit into the table…” Alicia fell silent when Kalinda took off her jacket and two little handguns appeared. There was also a long knife that flashed out from one boot, and who knew what else she was carrying with her. “Is this what you had to take care of this morning?” Alicia asked, trying to stay calm.

“Yes, but don’t worry. Everything is fine.” Kalinda smiled when she noticed Alicia’s terrified look. 

“It doesn’t look like it. Does Peter know he’s meeting with an entire arsenal of weapons?”

“I haven’t had the chance to tell him yet.”

Alicia frowned. “Do you mind if I come up for a minute? I have some papers with me from school that he needs to sign.”

“Why should I mind? He’s your husband.”

“Good, I’ll come up to the room with you and then wait in the lobby,” Alicia suggested and parked the car. “What floor are we going to?”

“It’s room 705.”

“Alright, then let’s go up.” Alicia got out of her car and with long strides, made for the entrance of the hotel, walking so quickly Kalinda had difficulty keeping up with her. 

When they knocked on the door of room 705, Peter opened it immediately. “Alicia?” He looked at her, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

“I’ll be gone in a second,” she explained while she greeted him. “I just need a signature on this form for Zach’s school trip. The deadline was already the day before yesterday.” Alicia took a piece of paper from her handbag and handed it to Peter, who signed without reading it. 

“Then let’s hope Zach behaves,” Peter said with a smirk and gave her the document before turning to Kalinda. 

While he and Kalinda were talking quietly Alicia looked around in the slightly moldy room and involuntarily asked herself if it had been a hotel room like this one where he had met his prostitutes. And if he and Kalinda had spent their night together in a room like this. The thought made her sick in her stomach and she tried to focus on the present again. 

From the corner of her eye she saw Peter laying his hand on Kalinda’s back as he led her to a small seating area next to the queen bed. He tended to do this with women -- it was an attentive, gallant gesture that she had thought nothing of in the past. Today however she felt a hint of jealousy. It was obvious that these two knew each other well, and Alicia was angry with herself that it bothered her. And it was even more confusing that she seemed to feel more jealous of Peter than of Kalinda. 

It had been a bad idea to accompany her to the hotel room and it was time to leave them alone. “I’ll be waiting in the lobby,” Alicia announced and smiled bravely when she noticed that Kalinda was watching her. “Good luck, you two.” With these words she closed the door and proceeded down towards the first floor.

Alicia spent the first twenty minutes reading glossy magazines, but after a while she had leafed through all of them and her mood started to drop noticeably. What a stupid idea to choose a hotel room for a meeting! Weren’t there any other ways to meet unseen in Chicago? Although Alicia was sure that Peter and Kalinda weren’t doing anything other than exchanging information, she couldn’t get the idea out of her head that something very different was happening on the seventh floor. And knowing that it was just her imagination torturing her, made her even angrier at herself. 

It was forty-five long minutes later that Kalinda stepped out of the elevator and Alicia rose from the upholstered armchairs in the lobby. “Is Peter still in the room?” she asked when Kalinda approached her. 

“He’ll come down in ten minutes,” Kalinda explained. “Is everything okay?”

“Sure.” Alicia nodded. “Could Peter do anything for you?” she asked as they walked back towards the car.

“Yes, it might actually work.” Kalinda smiled. “But first we have to know if Bishop will play along.”

Alicia pulled her car key out of her pocket and opened the car from the distance. “Do you still want to meet your husband or do you want to talk to Bishop first?”

“No, I’m going to meet him.”

“Fine.” Alicia shrugged. “Which theatre is it?” she asked getting into the car. 

“The Shakespeare Theatre.”

“Very well then.” Alicia watched the hotel entrance in her rearview mirror and took a deep breath when she saw Peter leaving the building. So everything went fine and he was safe too. “I would have expected a quieter place, though.”

“Sometimes a crowd is the best cover.” Kalinda reached for her gym bag on the backseat and pulled out some clothes. 

Alicia steered her car from the parking area of the hotel and while she was driving towards East Grand Avenue Kalinda started changing in the passenger seat. The movements taking place next to her unsettled Alicia just as much as the occasional flashing of dangerous metal that became visible while Kalinda changed, and she was glad that she was forced to look straight forward. 

“That’s only prophylactic, I assume?” she asked without turning her eyes from the road.

“Yes, I like to be prepared.” Kalinda checked the fit of the weapons one last time before she slipped her jacket on. “I’m sure he will be too.”

“I see.” Kalinda’s response didn’t reassure Alicia at all. It seemed to be only a matter of time before one of them would pull their weapons. “And why the elegant outfit? You don’t intend to go inside the theatre, do you?”

“No, but I have an idea of where we’ll be going, and it’s better to look like everybody else there.”

Alicia gave her a quick side glance. Kalinda had to be aware of the fact that she would never look like everybody else, hadn’t she? “Seems to be an expensive place,” she murmured.

“Yes.”

Since they had some time to kill, Alicia parked in a side street near the theatre where they could wait until 8:00 P.M. without blocking the traffic. Kalinda was wearing an elegant ruby-colored blouse now, with a dark, broad belt that accentuated her small waist and a black skirt under which one of the handguns was hidden that she had fixed around her thigh. Over the blouse she wore her black leather jacket which contained her second weapon. With her immaculately applied make-up she looked more like somebody on the way to a date than to her dangerous blackmailer, but Alicia knew better than telling her so. She had no idea what kind of relationship Kalinda and her husband had but she was sure that it was beyond the scope of her imagination. 

“Are you nervous?” she asked Kalinda when the clock in the car turned to 7:55 P.M.

“Yes.” Kalinda admitted. “We haven’t seen each other for more than five years.”

“You’ll do fine.” Alicia gave Kalinda an encouraging smile. “When do I pick you up?”

“You don’t need to. I don’t know how long this will take.”

“Then call me and I’ll get you.”

Kalinda shook her head. “No, don’t wait for me. It might get kind of late.”

Alicia looked at her with a doubtful expression. She couldn’t think of a reason to make this meeting last any longer than it had to, but Kalinda obviously didn’t want her to pick her up, so she just started the engine and drove towards the Shakespeare Theatre. “Good luck, Kalinda,” she said as she turned off the engine. “Be careful.”

“Thank you.” Kalinda had a strange expression on her face, a bit like a deer in headlights, but it also showed her concentration and determination. 

Alicia put her hand on Kalinda’s and squeezed it softly. “Take good care of yourself,” she repeated quietly.

Kalinda nodded silently, returning the soft pressure of her hand. And then she leaned over to Alicia and kissed her. Without warning. Just like that. “Time to go,” she whispered.

It wasn’t a long kiss, but it was long enough to create absolute pandemonium inside Alicia. She couldn’t even react and Kalinda was already opening the car door. Then she stepped out, the door closed and Kalinda’s boots were clicking away on the pavement of the huge forecourt while she moved towards the waiting crowd in front of the theatre. 

Alicia knew that she should have just turned her car around to make space for the other arriving patrons, but she couldn’t. She sat in her seat motionless, her hand still on her pulsating lips, and her eyes following Kalinda walking across the spacious forecourt of the theatre, on which countless people had already gathered. Eventually Kalinda stopped under a big banner that announced the evening’s play. _The Beauty and The Beast_ it read in large white letters, and Alicia wondered if Kalinda was aware of the irony of the situation. 

Suddenly Alicia saw a man separate from the crowd and walk towards Kalinda. He was of medium height, slim, in his mid-thirties perhaps, and to Alicia’s surprise he didn’t seem to have a single drop of Indian blood running in his veins. And while Alicia was still recovering from her surprise, he took Kalinda in his arms and kissed her, and Kalinda returned his embrace. 

Alicia couldn’t tell if they were just pretending because of all the theatre visitors around them or if this was for real, but she definitely didn’t like it. She didn’t like it at all. When they loosened their embrace and turned around Alicia could see the man’s face. He looked younger than Alicia had imagined and not at all like Kalinda’s type. She saw him whispering something in Kalinda’s ear while he put his arm around her shoulder and then led her away from the crowd to a side street. It was clearly visible that these two were very familiar with each other as they disappeared arm in arm between the buildings. 

So that was Nick and Leela. Alicia leant her head against the neck support of her seat and closed her eyes. _It might get kind of late,_ Kalinda’s words echoed in her head. What was she up to? Did she want to sleep with that guy? Then why had she armed herself to the teeth?

Again, Alicia felt jealousy rising up inside of her. “Get a grip!” she whispered to herself. This was crazy. Her lips were still burning from Kalinda’s kiss and now she was hopping into bed with a criminal? Well, granted, this criminal was her husband, but that wasn’t the point.

Alicia laid her hands on her eyes and sighed deeply. What had she been hoping for? Had she actually thought it was possible to explore something with Kalinda? Had she really imagined it possible to follow this strange attraction and see where it led them? Oh yes, she was well aware that Kalinda didn’t want to commit herself in any way, but somehow she had thought that the affair with Will had proven that she, Alicia, was capable of something without commitments too. So why didn’t it work with Kalinda? Why did she become jealous every time somebody laid an arm around her? It made everything impossible. Next she’d be jealous of Lemond Bishop, or of Cary, or of the clerk on the 26th floor. 

Alicia didn’t consider herself the jealous type -- she never could have spent fifteen years at Peter’s side if she had been. But this made it even more incomprehensible that Kalinda’s behavior could provoke these unfamiliar, unwelcome feelings inside of her. Whatever the reason, it was absolutely clear that she wouldn’t be able to bear situations like these all the time. And it would happen all the time, because this was Kalinda. It was her nature to handle people this way and Alicia couldn’t expect that she changed herself, nor did she want her to. It was the last thing she wanted. But apparently she wasn’t able to give Kalinda the freedom she needed and demanded. 

Alicia brushed a tear away and firmly gripped the steering wheel with both hands. They needed distance from each other. Kalinda was sending mixed signals and Alicia was far too involved to deal with that. Why had she kissed her? After all it had always been Kalinda who had told Alicia over and over again that she didn’t want anything from her. How could she show Alicia in so many ways that she loved her and in the same breath tell her it didn’t mean anything for her?

When Alicia was really honest with herself the unexpected attraction to Kalinda scared her to death. She had no idea what to do with it and the only way she had been able to handle it had been to not think about it too much and to just wait and see what would happen. She had thought that she could take it easy, without a plan, no expectations, no commitment. But now, she realized that this was an illusion, because she wasn’t able to share Kalinda with other people -- and Kalinda wanted nothing more than to be free. 

It was impossible. Insoluble. It was squaring the circle. The snake that bit its own tail. They would destroy each other one way or another. Not intentionally, but it was unavoidable. If Kalinda decided to stay in Chicago and continued to work for Lockhart & Gardner they needed to change something. Otherwise it was a recipe for disaster. 

For more than twenty minutes, Alicia lingered in her car, staring into the rearview mirror at the now empty forecourt of the theatre. When she eventually started the car and drove home, her limbs felt so heavy and leaden she had difficulty sitting upright. Ever since she had started working at Lockhart & Gardner four years ago, Kalinda had been the most important person in her life outside of her family. Kalinda had always been there for her, no matter what. She had even been there when Alicia had been too hurt to talk to her. And now of all times, after they had found a way for Kalinda to stay in Chicago, now Alicia had to let go of her. She had lost so much over the last years -- first her house, her neighborhood, her circle of friends, then her husband, then Will -- and she didn’t know how to give up Kalinda too, but she knew that it was necessary. 

At home Alicia drank a glass of red wine and started preparing herself for the next day of hearings. When her kids went to bed at 10:00 P.M. she joined them soon after and turned her face to the wall so that she didn’t stare at the empty pillow next to her. How long did it take to drive from East Grand Avenue to her apartment? Shouldn’t Kalinda be home yet? Of course Kalinda had every right to spend a night with her husband, but this husband had almost gotten her killed. Was she just giving him what he wanted? Maybe it was tactic? Maybe it didn’t mean anything to her.

A few minutes past midnight, Alicia’s cellphone vibrated and a book fell loudly from the nightstand as she reached for the BlackBerry in the dark. _I’m heading for my flat. You’re safe (I am too). I’m going to leave town for 3 days and will call you when I’m back. K._

Alicia fell back onto her pillow and read the text message again. Kalinda was leaving again? What about Peter’s plan? She propped herself up on her elbow and typed a quick message: _And Bishop?_

 _As soon as I’m back,_ was the short response.

Alicia bit her lip, pondering, when she closed the message. Just a few hours ago she had decided that she needed some distance from Kalinda. And here it was -- sooner than expected, but still. Then why did it feel so wrong?

Alicia was startled when the cell in her hand started vibrating again. The tune indicated that it had to be Peter but she couldn’t think of a reason why he would call her in the middle of the night. “Hello?” she asked, confused.

“Alicia, it’s me. I’m sorry to wake you up.” Peter sounded slightly out of breath. “Jackie had another stroke.”

“What?” Alicia sat upright in her bed. “When?”

“They just brought her to the hospital.”

“I’m sorry, Peter.” Even if his mother didn’t miss a single chance to make her life hell, she was after all his mother and Alicia knew how much she meant to him. “I’ll drop by at the hospital after work,” she promised. “You should go to bed and try to get some sleep.”

“Yes, you’re right,” he said and Alicia could hear the exhaustion in his voice. “I just wanted to let you know.”

“Thank you, Peter,” she said softly. “I hope she will recover as well as last time.” 

“Yes. I’ll call you in the morning if there’s any news.”

“Okay, thanks. But you should really try to get some sleep now.”

“I know, I know.” He paused. “Good night, Alicia, and I’m sorry for calling you in the middle of the night.”

“I’m glad you did. Good night, Peter.” Alicia put her cellphone back on the nightstand and when she finally fell asleep, she dreamt of Jackie and of Peter, of the Newland trial, and of Kalinda. Again and again of Kalinda. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

As she had several times in the course of the last few months, Alicia spent the next few days waiting: waiting for the end of the Newland trial; waiting for Jackie’s condition to improve; waiting for a call from Kalinda. 

The Newland trial ended with a small sensation: The opposing party, teeth-gritted, agreed to a compromise, with the food manufacturer willing to pay the Newland family $150,000 if they agreed to abstain from criminal proceedings. Even though it was clear that the Newlands would never be able to win a criminal trial the food company had understood that every additional media report would have devastating consequences for their sales. So both parties agreed on a civil settlement and the Newlands were very satisfied with Alicia’s work. Their daughter had even made a painting for Alicia, showing her happily going on a vacation with her parents. 

Jackie’s medical condition didn’t improve much, and Alicia doubted that she would ever fully recover from her stroke. Her faculty of speech was limited, as well as the movements of her limbs on the right side, and it was unclear to what extent the brain would be able to compensate for the affected areas. Sometimes Jackie seemed confused and disorientated but at least in this respect the physicians were optimistic. They told Alicia and Peter that these kinds of symptoms would probably be gone in a week. Alicia visited Jackie in hospital as often as possible, and for the first time Jackie seemed to be grateful for her presence. The poor woman was so helpless that she couldn’t even reproach her daughter in law, which made the visits a lot more bearable. 

Alicia didn’t hear anything from Kalinda, and she intentionally didn’t contact her. She knew that she needed distance, even if her feelings told her otherwise. What had she once said to Owen? Sometimes it was not just about the heart. Sometimes the heart needed steering. And that’s exactly what she had to do. 

However, when Kalinda hadn’t called on the third day as she had promised to, Alicia became worried. And on the fourth day she was checking her cellphone every ten minutes. A hundred people seemed to have to call her that day, but none of them was Kalinda. At the end of the day Alicia put her cellphone back into her handbag with a sigh and was just preparing to leave when her office phone rang. “Lockhart & Gardner, Alicia Florrick’s office.” Alicia held the phone in place between chin and shoulder so that she had her hands free to sort through the last three files on her desk. “What can I do for you?”

“Hi Alicia.”

“Kalinda?” Alicia cursed under her breath when one of the files fell from her arm and the paper spread on the floor. “Are you in Chicago?”

“Yes. Is Will still there?”

“Yes.” Alicia frowned. “Do you want to talk to him?”

“I want to end my vacation.”

“You’re quitting?”

“No.” Kalinda laughed quietly. “I’ll be working again as of tomorrow.”

“You…” Alicia had to sit down. “Did you talk to Bishop?”

“I had to take care of a few things first, but I met him today and we have a deal.”

“My God, that’s fantastic, Kalinda!” Alicia was so relieved that she forgot to keep her voice down. “So you’re free?” she asked, more quietly.

“Yes.” Kalinda paused for a moment. “So I guess we’ll see each other tomorrow...”

“Maybe in the evening. I’ll be in court all morning.”

“Lewitzky?”

“Yes. It’s about time that you come back,” Alicia smiled into the phone. “I’ll put you through to Will now.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was a strange feeling, when Kalinda came back to work the next day, and Alicia was almost glad that she only briefly greeted her from the hallway before disappearing into Will’s office. Against all odds Alicia had hoped that everything would go back to normal now, but the more her eyes wandered towards where Kalinda was sitting, as if on their own accord, the more she was forced to realize what she had already known. Something had to change between them. _She_ had to change something.

“Hey Alicia.”

“Hey.” Alicia turned around abruptly when she heard the familiar voice behind her. “How did you…?” She interrupted herself. “Hey,” she said again and was even more surprised when she saw Kalinda closing the door behind her. “Everything alright?”

“Yes.” Kalinda stopped in front of Alicia’s desk. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” Alicia was thinking about offering her a chair, but it was ridiculous because she never did that. “And you?” she asked instead. “Could you do whatever you had to do?”

“Yes.”

“Was it something illegal?”

Kalinda shook her head. “You don’t really want to know that.”

“I don’t? Okay.” Alicia raised her hands indicating that she wouldn’t ask any further. 

“I just wanted to…” Kalinda cleared her throat. “I wanted to thank you for all that you’ve done for me.”

“You’re welcome.” Alicia smiled. “You’ve done so much for me too.” 

Kalinda looked past her at the painting on her wall and Alicia wondered what was so interesting about it all of a sudden. The painting had been there for years. “You want to get a drink later?”

Alicia felt her stomach clench. This was it. This was her cue. She had to say it now and she hoped so much that the words would leave her lips like she intended them to. “Kalinda…,” she started and then winced inwardly when Kalinda’s posture changed immediately. She knew what was coming. “I’m really glad that you’re staying in Chicago and that we’re still colleagues,” Alicia continued. “And I’m really glad that you have your life back…and that things turned out well for you.” She paused and readied herself for the next words. “But what we need here…is…normality.”

A hint of pain washed over Kalinda’s face but Alicia wasn’t sure if it was just a projection of her own. “You mean distance.”

Alicia hesitated. She had tried to avoid this brutal word but in the end…“Yes.”

“You’re right.” Kalinda greeted a colleague with a nod who had waved at her from the hallway through the glass wall. 

Alicia felt like as though an iron fist was closing around her heart. Kalinda’s chilliness frightened her, even though she knew that it was just façade. “It’s just that…” she started “I don’t know…how we could…”

“It’s okay, Alicia.” Kalinda turned her face from the hallway and looked straight at her. And for the first time in a long while Alicia couldn’t read her face. “If you need some help with the Lewitzky case you’ll tell me, okay?”

“Yes. Thank you.” Alicia felt that she was on the brink of losing her composure and prayed silently that Kalinda would leave her office straight away.

Maybe Kalinda sensed what was going on inside Alicia, for she opened the door and left her office with a quiet “See you later.”

Alicia sat at her desk for several minutes, immobile, staring at the computer screen without seeing the letters. It was the right decision, she told herself. It had to be the right decision. Nevertheless, she felt so numb that she could hardly pick up the phone when it rang. “Yes? Will?”

“Can you come over, Alicia? Diane and I need to discuss the new witness with you.”

“I’ll be with you in a second.” Alicia closed her eyes after she put down the phone. Then she got up, readjusted her outfit and walked over to the conference room.


	13. Part 13 - Squaring the Circle

_Six months later:_

 

Alicia squinted into the glare of the spotlight as Peter walked them down the stage under a flurry of camera flashes. With a triumphant gesture he raised their clasped hands and held them towards the cameras. “Illinois needs new ideas!” he shouted to the crowd. “We have them!” Thundering applause was the response. 

They posed for the photographers for a few more minutes, and then it was high time to end the press conference and return to their jobs. To Alicia’s horror, the hour hand of the oversized clock in the hall had just reached the ten, and she had an appointment with a new client at 11:00 A.M. Peter also needed to return to his office, as he had to prepare for the trial of an alleged child molester. 

“That went well, didn’t it?” he whispered in her ear as they waved to the crowd one last time. Alicia nodded imperceptibly and shot an inconspicuous glance over at Eli, who gave her the thumbs-up. This event was only the seventh of more than thirty press appearances and Alicia was already looking forward to the election campaign being over. 

It was a cold, sunny day in February and the snow made Chicago’s streets so bright that Alicia had to put on her sunglasses when they left the building. Since Eli had instructed them to drive to every campaign appointment together in one car, Peter had to drop Alicia off at her apartment where she could pick up her car. Fortunately, the location of the press conference wasn’t far from her home, so it wasn’t a long drive. 

“Did you visit Jackie yesterday?” he asked when he turned into her street. 

“Yes, and she even ate a little bit,” Alicia responded. “But she’s still losing too much weight.”

“I’m going to talk to the staff again. Maybe she doesn’t like the food at the nursing home.”

“I don’t think it’s the food. It’s out of protest that she’s not eating.” Alicia searched for her car keys in her handbag. “You know how stubborn she is. We just need to be patient.”

Peter stopped his car just a few meters away from Alicia’s Buick and turned off the engine. “Will you join the kids tonight when they visit me?”

She shook her head. “No, Will and Diane have arranged a work party and I don’t want to wake you getting in late.”

“You know that I wouldn’t mind,” he protested with a charming smile. “And it’s Saturday tomorrow.”

But Alicia stuck to her refusal. After all these campaign events in her so-called ‘free time’, she was yearning for some hours just to herself, though she didn’t like to disappoint Peter. He had a seventy-hour-week at the moment and never stopped emphasizing how much he appreciated any private time with her. But Alicia was at the edge of her capacity too, and for days she had been looking forward to some time with nothing but a book and a cappuccino in her company. “No, but thank you,” she repeated. “I’ll be heading home after the party. Will you pick me up at 2:00 P.M. tomorrow?” 

“Let’s say 1:00 P.M. Eli wants to discuss something with us before the panel discussion. He didn’t tell me what it’s about, though.”

“Fine with me.” Alicia opened the car door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Don’t work too much.”

“You too!” Alicia turned up her coat collar, shivering as she trudged through the snow towards her car. The wind was so icy that it wasn’t bearable for more than a few seconds, but Alicia needed to scrape the ice off the windows first before she could get into her car. She cursed under her breath when she finally sat down behind the steering wheel with numb fingers. If it was up to her, this day could just end right now, but unfortunately it was crammed with appointments. 

Alicia had always known that the gubernatorial elections would demand more commitment on her part than the election for the State’s Attorney of Cook County had two years ago. But she hadn’t expected that Eli would deploy her this much. Sometimes she had the impression that her face was more important than Peter’s speeches. 

Luckily, the appointments with Peter were relatively uncomplicated. He always strove to make it easy for her and he appreciated what she was doing for him. A politician without a wife was practically unheard of in this country, and he knew that he couldn’t make it without her. When it came to poll ratings, Peter’s chances were good and Eli never grew tired of predicting that his opponent, Mike Kresteva, would go down like a lead balloon in the near future.

Of course Alicia had noticed that Peter also used the time they spent together to get closer to her again and, little by little, she had yielded to his gentle pressure, even if the maintenance of certain boundaries always remained important to her. She knew Peter like nobody else and the kids were happy that they were getting along so well again. It nearly felt like a real family again when Alicia stayed over at Peter’s place with Zach and Grace -- except for the absence of sex, which she kept to firmly. It was convenient and familiar with Peter and it was tempting to just give in. But it wasn’t what Alicia wanted. 

What Alicia wanted was usually sitting across the hallway from her office, but would be beyond her reach forever. And for now Peter’s campaign was the best distraction to avoid dealing with that. For six months now, Alicia and Kalinda had barely exchanged a personal word, and it was her own fault. Kalinda had done what she had asked of her, and respected a certain distance. They still worked on cases together and their work together was still excellent, so much so that Will and Diane often deployed them as a team. But Kalinda had backed away. She didn’t come to her office unless she had a case-related reason and Alicia didn’t knock at hers anymore. They didn’t talk when they met at the beverage dispenser and they no longer went for drinks at bars after work together. 

But apart from that, things were as they always had been at Lockhart & Gardner. The firm was gradually recovering from the economic crisis of the last years and Diane held out the prospect of becoming an equity partner to Alicia in the foreseeable future. Alicia had worked towards that goal for such a long time that she was overjoyed by Diane’s words. Though she wasn’t sure how much the promotion owed to the fact that she was likely to be the wife of the Governor of Illinois soon, she was convinced that Diane really appreciated the way she did her job. 

Diane, of all people, had dropped a hint to Alicia several months ago implying that she had not only noticed the change in the relationship between Alicia and Kalinda but had also conjectured the reason why. Alicia had neither denied nor confirmed anything and she had no idea what conclusion Diane had drawn from that. But Alicia knew she could rely on her boss’ discretion and on the fact that she wouldn’t misuse her assumption. On the contrary, since then, Diane seemed to be more open and attentive to Alicia for some reason.

Kalinda herself acted, apart from the distance to Alicia, completely normally. It was noticeable that she was enjoying work again and she accomplished her tasks as perfectly as always. As usual, she was the object of heated looks wherever she went. She always gave the impression that she wasn’t aware of it -- until she used exactly this effect, and a quick flirt was enough to get the information she needed. Alicia observed all this from a distance and tried to not be affected by it. But it hurt. After half a year, it still hurt. 

Alicia was freezing as she drove onto the parking level of Lockhart & Gardner and when she stepped into the elevator a short while later, she knew that the first thing she needed was a hot cup of coffee. On her way to the coffee machine however, she spotted her new client, Mr. Feininger, in the conference room and decided to skip the coffee to have a look at Mr. Feininger’s file before meeting him in the conference room. 

In the hallway she came across Cary who was, to her surprise, on the way to the conference room. “I’m supposed to join you,” he informed her with a motion of the head towards the waiting client.

“Why?” Confused, Alicia looked at the file in Cary’s hand. “I thought I was taking this meeting on my own?”

He shrugged. “No idea. Will’s instruction.”

Alicia turned on her heals and knocked at her boss’ office door. “Do you have a moment, Will?”

“Always.” He looked up from his desk. “Is it about Cary?”

“Yes, you told him to join me. Did I do anything wrong?”

Will shook his head. “No, but it leaked that McCoy will be the judge,” he explained. “And you know that McCoy doesn’t like you.”

“Oh, okay.” Alicia nodded, understanding. “But shouldn’t Cary do the meeting alone then?”

“No, we want you in the background,” Will insisted. “Mr. Feininger speaks very highly of you and he definitely wants to have you there as his attorney. He saw you in a TV interview with your husband.”

“Great.” Alicia looked wistfully at the hot coffee mug on Will’s desk. “So I’m responsible for keeping Mr. Feininger happy and Cary is responsible for the judge?”

“Exactly,” Will confirmed with a chuckle. “Do you want me to pick you up for the party tonight? I have to drive anyway.”

“No, thanks. My children will drop me at the restaurant on their way to their father.” Alicia looked down at her clothes. “What’s the dress code tonight? Do I need an evening gown?”

“No, everything’s casual,” he reassured her. “By the way, our live band has just cancelled on us, so we’ll have to hire a DJ.”

“I’m sure it’ll be great anyway,” Alicia smiled politely, although she had been hoping for weeks for a sudden case of flu. But so far, she was perfectly healthy and it looked like there wasn’t any way to back out of this. At least everybody would understand when she left early, because her colleagues knew that she had election engagements on the weekend too. 

When Alicia left Will’s office she nearly bumped into Kalinda, who was in the middle of a conversation with Julius Cain but turned back after she had passed Alicia. “Why is Cary with him?” she asked and pointed to the conference room behind her.

“McCoy will be the judge.”

“Oh.” Kalinda raised her eyebrows. “So you’d better stay in the background.”

“That was Will’s advice, too.”

“Did you know that your client just lost his driver’s license because of drunk driving?”

“Mr. Feininger?” Alicia shook her head, surprised. “I haven’t looked at his file yet…”

“You won’t find it there. The notification was sent yesterday, Tommy told me.” Thomas Finnley, called Tommy, was one of Kalinda’s sources with the police. 

“Hmm, that’s interesting.” Alicia looked over at her client who was talking to Cary now. “Let’s see how honest Mr. Feininger is with us. Thank you, Kalinda.”

“No problem.” Kalinda made a gesture to Julius who was waiting at the elevator for her. “Will you be at the party tonight?”

“Well, attendance is compulsory, isn’t it?” Alicia smiled. “So I’ll be there.”

“See you then.” Kalinda was already on her way to Julius who looked at Alicia, frowning. 

Alicia just shrugged. If he still thought that Kalinda worked too much for her, he should complain to Will and Diane. A glance at her watch revealed that Alicia needed to hurry up. Since she had never talked to Mr. Feininger before it would be a long appointment and the evening would arrive sooner than she wanted it to.

 

 

* * *

 

 

As Alicia had expected, their client withheld the information about the loss of his driver’s license, but she didn’t have time to get upset about it because she had two other meetings that immediately followed. At the end of the day, she felt even more exhausted than usual and would have loved to stay home instead of going to another work party. But of course, as a soon-to-be equity partner it was expected that she was there. 

Fortunately, the party turned out to be more entertaining than Alicia had predicted. During dinner, she sat at a table with two young attorneys who had just started working at Lockhart & Gardner recently. They observed the activities at the firm with a refreshing distance and it was quite interesting to hear them talking about things that Alicia didn’t even notice anymore after four years at Lockhart & Gardner. However, the conversation with her young colleagues ended abruptly as soon as the DJ, a young guy with dark long dreadlocks, started up after dinner. In the blink of an eye, her table neighbors had gone to mix with their other dancing colleagues. 

The sight of the rollicking people on the dance floor made Alicia’s exhaustion come back immediately. For weeks, she had been running back and forth between work, kids, Jackie and the campaign, and everybody expected her total commitment. She deeply yearned for some quiet, and even the loud music from the loudspeakers was too much for her. The restaurant’s bar was not as close to the speakers as her table and so Alicia decided to walk over to the counter and have a shot of tequila.

At the last second she changed her mind and ordered a glass of red wine, mainly because she had already started drinking wine at the table and didn’t want to mix alcoholic beverages. She enjoyed her Merlot in small sips while she watched her dancing colleagues. Some people moved deliberately and controlled, others had already had too much to drink and hopped across the dance floor like teenagers on ecstasy. 

When Alicia saw Kalinda and Cary joining the dancers she turned her back to the dance floor so that she wouldn’t witness their tango together. The memories of the last work party were the last thing she wanted to think about right now and she was determined to calmly empty her glass and leave this place soon after.

The big disadvantage at parties like this, however, was that it was impossible to stay alone even for a little while and in the next thirty minutes people continuously sat down next to Alicia and started talking to her. Most of them disappeared quickly as soon as they noticed Alicia’s taciturnity and she was upset at herself for being such bad company tonight. She was just about to call a cab when Kalinda sat down on the barstool next to her that had just become available. “You should dance a little too, Alicia,” she said waving at the barkeeper. “It’ll raise your spirits.”

“Why do you think there’s something wrong with my spirits?” Alicia murmured and put her cell phone back onto the counter. 

“It’s hard to miss.” Kalinda ordered two tequila shots and another glass of red wine for Alicia. “But it’s no wonder. Eli’s been occupying you too much.”

“He says it’s important,” Alicia sighed. “Now that Mike Kresteva has started such a smear campaign it’s even more important that Peter is seen with me as often as possible. As far as Eli is concerned, the kids should join us from time to time, but that’s out of question.”

“Have you asked Will if you could work less hours until the end of the campaign?” Kalinda accepted her tequila shots and pushed the glass of wine towards Alicia. 

“I don’t want to work less,” Alicia objected vehemently. “I don’t want to give my life up for the campaign. It’s not my election, it’s Peter’s.”

Kalinda looked at her attentively. “Isn’t Peter part of your life?”

“What do you mean?” Alicia felt uncomfortable under Kalinda’s intense gaze and looked down at her glass. 

“Well, you’re going to be the Governor’s wife, after all.” Kalinda smiled. “And rumor has it you’re back together again.”

“What rumor? People didn’t even really know that we were separated.” Alicia shook her head. Would her life be defined by gossip and rumors from now on? She hated being in the public eye all the time.

“I’m not talking about the general public.”

Alicia laughed bitterly. “Yes, I know.“

“And is it true? Are you back together again?” Kalinda downed her shot. 

Alicia looked at her from the side. Kalinda was acting weird tonight. “What if we were?”

“Then you are,” Kalinda said, shrugging. “It’s good for you to be in a relationship again. You’ve been on your own a lot in the last few years.”

“It wouldn’t bother you?”

“It’s your life, Alicia.”

“That wasn’t my question.” Alicia gripped Kalinda’s arm when she reached for her second tequila. “I asked if it would bother you.”

“Why do you want to know that?”

“Why do you want to know if I’m back together with Peter?”

Kalinda laughed quietly and Alicia could see that she felt caught. “You’re right. It’s none of my business what you’re doing with your husband.”

Alicia pushed her wine glass aside and leaned closer to Kalinda. “Why don’t you tell me if it bothers you or not?” she asked in a hushed tone. “It bothered me when you hopped into bed with your husband.”

“You know that those things have no meaning for me.”

“They do for me.” Alicia was still speaking very quietly, so that just Kalinda could hear her. “And it would make me feel better if once you were bothered by something too.”

“Really?” Kalinda smiled. “Well, if you really need to know, yes, it’s bothering me. But more important than that is that I want you to be happy with somebody.”

“Thank you, Kalinda.” Alicia couldn’t say why, but the confession made her feel much better immediately. “I want the same for you.”

Kalinda nodded and downed her second shot of tequila. For almost a minute they looked down at their glasses in silence. 

“I’m not back together with Peter,” Alicia said eventually. “And I’m not sleeping with him.”

“Why not?”

What kind of question was that? Alicia looked at her, bewildered. “Because I don’t want to be with him.”

“And Will?”

“What do you mean Will?”

“Do you want to be with him?”

“No, I don’t.” Alicia noticed the hint of anger in her voice and tried to speak quieter again. “Why do you think I want to be with somebody at all costs?”

Kalinda shrugged. “That’s what people want, right?”

Alicia shook her head and took another sip of her wine. She didn’t get what was going on with Kalinda tonight but she was too exhausted to find out. Besides, the wine was going to her head already. “Maybe I should start a relationship with somebody,” she murmured. “Then it would bother me less to see you with other people.”

Kalinda didn’t respond to that. She seemed deep in thought and absentmindedly wiped the condensation from the glass of beer that a colleague had left on the counter. The movement of her fingers had an eroticism that she didn’t seem to be aware of, but when she noticed Alicia staring at her hands she pulled them back from the glass. “Let’s do it, one time.”

Alicia put her glas back on the counter. Had Kalinda just suggested what she thought she had suggested? “Why?”

Kalinda leaned closer to her, so close that their faces almost touched. “I need to get you out of my head,” she whispered. “And you need to get me out of yours.”

Alicia noticed herself blushing. Kalinda’s words alone were causing a wave of heat to flow through her entire body. “I don’t think…that this…is a sensible strategy,” she pointed out, but at the same time, she knew that she would do it. Even if was the most unwise thing in the world. 

“How do you know?” Kalinda turned to the dance floor and looked noticeably bored. She nodded at Julius who had waved over at her and invited her to dance with wild movements. He had won an important case today and had already downed way too much champagne during dinner.

“Sanity and reason?” Alicia had turned towards the dance floor too, hoping that nobody would notice what they were talking about. “When?” 

“Now.” 

“Now?” Alicia was able to readjust her facial features just in time when Will and Diane danced past them, smiling kindly. 

“If we don’t do it now, we’ll never do it.” Kalinda got up from her barstool. “I’ll be back in a sec.”

She nodded at David Lee and Cary who were standing at the edge of the dance floor, wove through the dancing crowd, and went to the drunken Julius who started to dance around her like a courting bird. Kalinda responded to his provocative dancing style with smooth movements and started to seduce the poor man with every trick in the book. The eroticism of her dance attracted the attention of not only Julius himself, and Alicia felt hot and cold in intervals as she sat on her barstool. She knew that Kalinda was dancing for her, though it looked different to the rest of the world. It was a promise, a small taste of what was to come as soon as they had left this place and the thought alone took Alicia’s breath away. Kalinda was right: If they thought about it for too long they would never do it. They would run away, like they always had.

When the song faded and Julius invited Kalinda for a drink, Alicia already stood with their coats at the edge of the dance floor. “Sorry, but we need to leave,” she told her colleague. “I have another campaign event early in the morning and Kalinda was kind enough to offer me a ride home.”

“Too bad.” He pulled a long face. “Maybe you could come back afterwards, Kalinda?”

“I don’t think so.” Kalinda put on her coat and patted Julius’ shoulder. “I’m sure you’ll find somebody else for the next dance.”

They left a disappointed Julius behind and said good-bye to Will and Diane before they left the restaurant and called a cab. “Where are we going?” Alicia asked while they were waiting for the taxi. She couldn’t believe that her brain was so scrambled that she hadn’t even asked herself this question.

“My place.”

The answer surprised Alicia so much that she stopped. Was Kalinda speaking about the same apartment that, normally, nobody else was supposed to enter? The suggestion was by no means appropriate for Kalinda’s plan of getting Alicia out of her head. It was rather the best method for remembering this night forever, but Alicia decided not to think about this inconsistency any further. 

_My place._

Who would have thought that two simple words could cause such a feeling of happiness? They still resonated in Alicia’s head when they sat in the cab which moved slowly along the icy roads. Kalinda couldn’t have made it clearer that something special was happening here. She, who always emphasized that these things didn’t have any meaning for her. But tonight they had a meaning, and not only for Alicia. 

The longer they drove through the starlit night, the more nervous Alicia became. There wasn’t any doubt that Kalinda had dealt with true masters in bed and surely she was a master herself. Alicia’s experience was considerably more limited and her experience with women was basically non-existent. There was no way she could compete in terms of performance with any of Kalinda’s numerous partners, but she hoped that maybe she could give her something that she had not and would never find during her usual sexual adventures.

It was so dark on the back seat of the taxi that Alicia couldn’t see more than Kalinda’s silhouette next to her, but she noticed that she too was tense. The playful mood from the dance floor was clearly gone and Alicia gently laid her hand on Kalinda’s, softly cupping the warm fingers. It felt unfamiliar to hold a hand that was smaller and more delicate than her own; even so, she knew that this hand was stronger and more skilled than hers. A hand that could fight, shoot, seduce and arouse and which now lay, trembling and anxious, inside of her own. 

Alicia couldn’t help but move the fingers to her lips and plant a tender, silent kiss on the velvet skin -- so much softer than Peter’s hand or Will’s, and the flavor of Kalinda’s perfume remained in her nose when she laid their intertwined hands into her lap. “Are you alright?” she whispered so quietly that the cab driver couldn’t hear her. 

“Yes.” Kalinda stroked the back of Alicia’s hand with her thumb and Alicia felt the touch all the way into the roots of her hair. It was as if the darkness intensified every sensation and each of Alicia’s nerve endings was alert and attentive. Kalinda’s face came dangerously close and Alicia held her breath. She was afraid that the cab driver might have recognized her when he picked them up and she definitely didn’t intend on gracing the headlines of the _Chicago Tribune_ the next day. 

“He didn’t see you,” Kalinda whispered. “And I’ll pay the fare.” And then she closed the last distance between them, and kissed her. A brief kiss at first, then longer and more intense. Cautiously, tentatively, and eventually more courageously. And Alicia responded with the same caution. It was the first kiss both of them were prepared for and it was so sweet that Alicia had difficulty controlling her breath. Her lips wanted to get right back to Kalinda’s, but she knew that she had to draw a line if she didn’t want to end up as a headline yet again. 

Kalinda laughed quietly and the warm whiff of her breath tickled Alicia’s lips. Just one more time Alicia allowed them to dive into Kalinda’s soft mouth, then she leaned back, out of breath. “Enough,” she whispered.

Fortunately, Kalinda respected her wish and sheered away from her a bit. For the rest of their drive they didn’t talk anymore, but their hands stayed intertwined until they arrived at Kalinda’s apartment.

They were met by freezing cold air when they stepped out of the cab, and Alicia crossed her arms, shivering, while Kalinda paid the driver. Breathing hurt her lungs but Alicia was grateful for the bracing feeling in her throat, for she still felt a bit dizzy from the drive. The cold air did her good and she closed her eyes as the icy wind swept across her face.

Kalinda however didn’t seem to like the cold at all. “Damn, let’s get inside,” she cursed next to her. “And I’ll get you a cup of hot coffee for starters.”

The idea of hot coffee did indeed sound better than standing here in the cold and Alicia followed Kalinda into her building. She looked around in the flat a bit while Kalinda was taking care of the coffee, and noticed that some furniture had been added. Nothing big, but the rooms looked a bit more occupied than they had when Alicia had last been here. 

“Here you go.” A cup of coffee appeared in front of Alicia’s face. “I don’t have a sofa so we’ll have to move to the bedroom,” Kalinda said, smiling. “Unless you want to sit in armchairs.”

“Bedroom sounds fine.”

On Kalinda’s bed lay only a bedspread and a few decorative cushions, but no other bolsters to lean on, so both women took off their shoes and sat down cross-legged on the bed. For some time, they talked about this and that while they drank their coffee and tried to cover up their nervousness. Suddenly Alicia felt like a teenager before her first sexual experience again and she hoped that Kalinda would take the lead. But Kalinda just sat there and told Alicia all about a client whom she had had to give firearm lessons and who had almost shot her in the foot during the training. 

Eventually, the coffee was empty and Kalinda took the mug from Alicia’s hand. “Are you cold?” she asked when she put the cups onto the nightstand. “I usually don’t have the heating on here.”

“I’m fine.” Alicia smiled. “But it would be a lot warmer under the blanket.”

“Sorry, Alicia, I….” Kalinda shook her head. “I don’t…”

“Yes, you do.” Alicia bent closer to her and wiped a tousled strand from of her face. “Yes, you do,” she repeated quietly and smiled when she felt Kalinda’s cheek leaning into her hand. “We should remove the bedspread first.” She seized Kalinda’s hand and moved off the bed with her. With a dash the bedspread landed on the floor and silver covers emerged. Silk, as Alicia had expected. “Okay?” she whispered into Kalinda’s ear when she opened the first button of her blouse. 

Kalinda nodded silently and remained still until Alicia had opened the last button and slipped the blouse off her. Then she took off Alicia’s blouse and put it next to hers. “Let me do it,” she said when Alicia was about to open her own skirt and her dark voice made Alicia shiver. She breathed in sharply when Kalinda’s hand, accidentally or deliberately, brushed her hip.

Inaudibly Alicia’s skirt fell down and Kalinda’s followed it. “May I?” Alicia opened the hair clasps with gentle moves and Kalinda’s dark hair fell heavily into her hands and on Kalinda’s shoulders. It was the first time that Alicia saw the small scar on Kalinda’s left shoulder, the scar that was there because of her, because Kalinda had tried to protect her from her husband. Gently, Alicia moved over the fibrous tissue with her fingertips and bent down to kiss it. And then it was finally time to move up to the beautiful face and kiss the waiting lips. Tentatively, like earlier in the cab. But this time she could go further. So much further…

They took off their last pieces of clothing and slipped between the warm covers. And suddenly Kalinda’s face was above hers and Alicia felt the warm breath on her skin. She was almost frightened by the sudden hunger in the deep black eyes above her and she closed her lids when she met Kalinda’s lips again. She had suspected that this kiss would be different from the previous ones but she hadn’t reckoned on the quiet moaning that came when Kalinda pressed her soft lips onto hers. And when her own lips hungrily opened up she realized that she wasn’t prepared for anything that then followed. Not the quiet sounds Kalinda made, not the sounds of her own quickening breath in her ear, not the feeling of warm, naked skin when Kalinda’s body pressed against hers. It was like a fire spreading in seconds and Alicia had to gasp for air when Kalinda’s mouth left hers to move further. 

Apparently she wasn’t the only one who was unprepared. At some point Alicia noticed that Kalinda’s breathing was changing and she gently cupped her chin with her hand and raised her face to see what was going on. She was horrified to find tears on Kalinda’s cheeks. “What’s wrong?” 

“I don’t know.”

Kalinda’s voice sounded so vulnerable that it brought Alicia to the verge of tears herself. She wanted to say something comforting, something reassuring, but no words left her lips and so she silently kissed the tears away, one by one, slowly and tenderly. In her fantasies Kalinda had always been the active one, the one that had showed her the way, like she always had. Now Alicia felt bold enough for the both of them and her eyes, hands and lips didn’t need any guiding. Bit by bit they embarked on a journey over the beautiful, slender body whose feminine curves were so similar to hers. And they took their time and lingered wherever they wanted and they showed Kalinda without words how wonderful she was. Even if they still spared the most intimate parts there was so much to discover and Kalinda’s reactions to her touch made Alicia proud and happy at the same time.

And again and again she sought out Kalinda’s face that portrayed her emotions unconcealed as never before. And Alicia didn’t tire of looking at the expression of pure bliss in Kalinda’s face and she knew instantly she would never forget this image in her whole life. “Thank you,” she whispered in Kalinda’s ear.

“For what?”

“For asking me.”

“Thank you for coming.” Kalinda looked at her with her eyes half open and her face revealed so much that remained unsaid that Alicia had to swallow. 

“It wasn’t exactly a decision.” Alicia’s thumb tenderly stroked Kalinda’s cheek and she placed a kiss where the thumb had just been. “I haven’t thought of much else for half a year.”

“I know.” Kalinda pulled Alicia back to her lips. “Me neither.”

“That’s pathetic.”

Kalinda laughed quietly. “Yeah, it is.” With a kiss, she pushed Alicia back into the pillow and turned her on her back. She seemed determined to take over the reins now and they started all over again. They reveled in mutual discoveries, in caressing touches, and Alicia totally lost her sense of time. Kalinda’s hands seemed to be everywhere at once and they provoked all kinds of sensations in Alicia, disturbing and heavenly. Every single fiber of her body seemed to be aroused, every cell in a turmoil.

After an endless series of kisses Kalinda’s hands moved slowly to Alicia’s breasts and while one of them gently cupped the right one Kalinda’s lips enclosed her left nipple. Alicia’s head fell back hard into the pillow when Kalinda’s hand and mouth started to move in the same rhythm. She gasped for air but Kalinda didn’t slow down. Her experienced tongue knew exactly what to do and only when Alicia panted her name, out of breath, did she pause and raise her head. Her cheeks were flushed, her hair tousled, and her pupils so dilated that Alicia’s heart ached just by looking at her. “Are you alright, Alicia?”

“No.” Alicia covered her eyes with her hand. All of a sudden she felt embarrassed. 

“What’s wrong?” Kalinda lowered her head and kissed the hand that covered Alicia’s eyes. 

Alicia felt herself blushing. “I need you….” she reached for Kalinda’s hand and guided it further downwards “…here.” 

“So urgently?” Kalinda smiled when a perceptible shiver ran through Alicia’s body as soon as she touched her center. 

“Yes…” Alicia slipped her knee between Kalinda’s thighs and felt her trembling against her skin. She wanted to say something but then Kalinda’s hand started to move and the ability to articulate was lost. Kalinda bent down to her and kissed her so hard that it almost hurt and at the same time she started to move against Alicia’s thigh. Another shiver, stronger than the first one, ran through Alicia’s body when Kalinda entered her. A deep moan escaped her lips and ran into Kalinda’s mouth, and she closed her eyes, overwhelmed.

“Look at me, Alicia,” Kalinda whispered, drawing back. “I want to see you.”


	14. Part 14 - Squaring the Circle

When Alicia opened her eyes the next morning she had to blink several times to make sure that she was actually in Kalinda’s bedroom. The protective arm that rested on her back was as real as the beautiful face whose warm forehead touched Alicia’s fingers. A slender elbow peeped out from under the covers and its warm, tanned color stood in striking contrast to the cool silver of the sheets. Kalinda’s eyes were closed and her regular breathing showed that she was still asleep. Her face looked so peaceful and relaxed now compared to the excitement of the night. They had made love into the early hours of the morning and it had been out of pure exhaustion that they had eventually fallen asleep. Even now, everything in Alicia still felt overstimulated and aroused and the sight of the slumbering person next to her didn’t soothe it. It was difficult not to kiss the sleeping lips and Alicia put her hands under her head just to be on the safe side so that they wouldn’t do anything on their own. 

Alicia wondered if Kalinda had intended to let her stay overnight or if at some point it had just been too late to send her home. Surely, Kalinda wasn’t the type for a relaxed morning-after and Alicia hoped that she wouldn’t regret their night when she woke up. The thought made Alicia’s heart heavy and she crawled deeper under the warm covers. She still felt so raw and vulnerable that she didn’t think she could cope with any kind of rejection. 

After a while Alicia allowed her hand to emerge from under her head and stroke a dark strand of hair from Kalinda’s face. _What have you done with me?_ she asked silently. Before last night it had just been an abstract idea that she had longed for, but now she knew exactly what she wanted, and it terrified her that she wanted it all the more now. Had Kalinda seriously thought that it would defuse the situation if they slept with each other? Maybe she had refused to see the consequences as much as Alicia. Today is today, and tomorrow is tomorrow -- this had always been Kalinda’s motto. But now tomorrow had come and they had to find a way to deal with each other in the future. The next days and weeks would be hard, really hard -- harder than Alicia ever would have imagined. 

But for her part, she didn’t regret what they had done -- not one second of it. With a sigh she ran her hand over her eyelids and when she opened them again she noticed that Kalinda was looking at her. 

“Are you okay?” Kalinda asked quietly.

“Yes. You?”

“Do you think it was a bad idea?”

“No.” Alicia reached out and gently stroked over Kalinda’s cheek with her thumb. “It was a good idea.”

Kalinda smiled and kissed her palm. “How much time do we have?”

Everything in Alicia rebelled against thinking about that question and she cursed under her breath as she glanced at Kalinda’s alarm clock. “About two hours. I should leave by 11:00 A.M. at the latest, because Peter’s picking me up at 1:00 P.M. for some panel discussion for the campaign. Mike Kresteva will be there too.” The idea of being in the same room with Peter’s obnoxious opponent made Alicia shudder on the inside. 

“That man is a bastard.” Kalinda traced her fingertips over Alicia’s arm and smiled when she saw the goose bumps her touch was causing. She knew that Alicia’s body would immediately react to her touch and she obviously had more in mind.

However Alicia, in defiance of her body’s response, had other plans. The thought of the upcoming panel discussion was about to ruin her mood and she wanted to forget Peter and his campaign as quickly as possible. She wanted to just block out everything beyond this room and enjoy being close to the person she would have to give back to the world much too soon. “Can we just…lie here for a little while longer?” 

The busy fingers stopped their movement and rested on Alicia’s arm as Kalinda laid her head back into the pillow. “Why?” Her eyes revealed so blatantly what she was thinking that Alicia shivered under her look. 

“Just a few more minutes, okay?” Alicia whispered and pulled her gently into her arms. 

Kalinda didn’t object and so they lay silently together, bodies intertwined, and Alicia tried to internalize the feeling of Kalinda in her arms so that it would stay vivid inside of her forever. She could tell that it was a real challenge for Kalinda, lying so close to her without doing anything, but they could take care of Kalinda’s needs later. 

Now, in the silence, all the things unsaid between them were overwhelmingly perceptible. The words that they had never said to each other, the discussions they had never had, the decisions that hadn’t been made yet. Everything hung heavily in the air and staying silent was probably the best they could do. When Alicia closed her eyes she could feel Kalinda’s heartbeat and she never would have thought that a simple rhythm could cause such happiness. 

Alicia would have loved to rest a little while longer and just savor the closeness, but she knew that Kalinda’s patience was at an end. “I don’t have anything for breakfast here,” she breathed into Alicia’s ear and it sounded liked the most erotic confession Alicia had ever heard. 

“That’s terrible.” Alicia laughed and pulled her into a passionate kiss. 

Kalinda smiled under her lips. “Are you finished lying around?” she whispered into Alicia’s mouth. 

“For now.” Alicia’s smile disappeared when she noticed that Kalinda was really in need. “Hey,” she said quietly. “Let me take care of you.”

Kalinda looked at her so intensely that it made Alicia’s heart burst and she pulled Kalinda into a long kiss that left them both out of breath. Slowly, but determinedly she started a journey over the slender body and let Kalinda guide her through the soft, fragrant landscape -- a landscape Alicia knew well after hours of exploration and still couldn’t get enough of. Last night she had realized how much she loved to hear Kalinda’s breath quickening and she closed her eyes to indulge in the little sounds. Nevertheless she didn’t lose sight of her mission, for it was obvious that Kalinda wouldn’t be able to wait for very much longer. Alicia felt her own arousal flaring up when she buried her fingers in Kalinda’s hair and her mouth into her neck, exactly at the little spot where her lips made Kalinda crazy. 

“Don’t stop,” Kalinda breathed.

“I won’t.” Alicia was out of breath too and she was glad that she had already had the time to become acquainted with Kalinda’s body. She knew where the most sensitive spots were and she knew what to do to give Kalinda the highest bliss. But all these pleasures would have to wait now because it was time to aim straight for the goal.

Alicia felt her own body trembling when Kalinda’s head fell onto her shoulder and she wrapped her free arm firmly around Kalinda as she felt the waves coming. It was like an earthquake in her arms and Alicia held her so close that the convulsions spread to her own body. “I’ve got you, baby,” she whispered in Kalinda’s ear and surprised herself by where the endearment suddenly came from. “Just let it go.”

And as if the words were a magic spell, a second quake rolled over Kalinda and she clung, trembling, to Alicia.

It was a long time before the waves subsided and their breath calmed down. “Damn,” Kalinda whispered into Alicia’s shoulder. 

“Are you okay?” Alicia pressed a tender kiss onto her sweaty forehead. 

“I think so.” 

It didn’t sound very convincing and Alicia whispered reassuring words while scattering little, caressing kisses on Kalinda’s face and neck. 

Suddenly Kalinda pulled back and away from her embrace. “I’ll be back in a second,” she said and slid out of the bed without another word. Alicia winced when the door swung shut behind her, but she was too dumbfounded to say anything. Something must have happened and whatever it was, it didn’t seem to be reversible. Somehow she must have overstepped Kalinda’s boundaries and now she was running away, like she always did. 

With a sigh, Alicia let herself fall back into the pillow and buried her face into it. Her aroused body ached and cried for attention but she ignored it. She wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea to follow Kalinda, but if she waited until she came back it might be too late and Kalinda would have shut down completely. 

It was ice-cold in the unheated room when Alicia left the bed and pulled on her blouse that still lay next to the bed. She waited two more minutes for Kalinda to come back, but eventually she gathered all her courage and opened the door with a pounding heart. Kalinda had put on a bathrobe and was standing at the window of her living room, her back to Alicia, where she stared fixedly into the dawn. 

Alicia leaned against the doorframe and looked at her, worried. “Are you really okay?” she asked cautiously.

Kalinda nodded without looking at her. “Yes.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No.”

“Then what’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Kalinda turned her face towards her. “Let’s go back to bed.”

There was something in her voice that made Alicia hesitate but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it and before she had the time to think about it further, Kalinda was right in front of her. “I left you hanging, didn’t I? I’ll make up for it, I promise.” With the last words she pressed her knee between Alicia’s legs and pulled her into a hard, aggressive kiss. 

“Kalinda…” Alicia felt her body reacting to Kalinda’s touches, thirsting for relief, but something wasn’t right. “Hold on…”

But Kalinda didn’t stop and Alicia’s head fell hard against the wood as Kalinda pushed her against the doorframe. Before she could say anything Kalinda’s mouth was back on hers and her deft fingers crept under her blouse. In an instant the buttons were open and Kalinda’s lips moved eagerly to her breasts. Alicia felt teeth digging into her skin, so hard that it hurt, and she tried to push Kalinda away. “Please, Kalinda…stop it.” 

“You want this, don’t you?” Kalinda’s hands moved hungrily over Alicia’s body while she slipped down to her knees in order to repeat what had put Alicia in ecstasy last night. “I know you do.”

“Kalinda!” Alicia pushed Kalinda away from her. “My God, what’s wrong with you? Are you out of your mind?”

Kalinda stared at Alicia, wide-eyed. “What’s the problem? Not in the mood for some fun?”

Alicia was still struggling for air. “I’m not one of your little playthings,” she panted. 

“What do you want from me?” Kalinda’s tone was cold and aggressive. “Tell me.”

Alicia shook her head. “I’d better leave.” 

She had hoped that her words would somehow bring Kalinda back to her senses, but she just got up from the floor and pulled her bathrobe closed again. It was useless to talk to her in this mood, so Alicia went to the bedroom to pick up her clothes and get dressed. She was on the verge of tears but there wasn’t anything she could do. How could the mood between them have changed so drastically in just a second? 

When Alicia stepped out of the bathroom Kalinda was standing in the kitchen pouring herself a glass of milk. She must have heard Alicia but she didn’t even turn around. Being ignored like this was so painful that Alicia had to resist the impulse to leave the flat without another word. But this was too important, much too important.

Alicia knew what Kalinda was doing, she could even understand it, but it was wrong and they would regret it forever. Kalinda was trying to make it about sex, she was struggling for her independence, for control, and that was exactly why Alicia knew that they could never work together. “Don’t do this, Kalinda,” she said quietly. 

“I thought you wanted to leave.” Kalinda put the milk carton back into the fridge without looking at her. 

“I know what you’re doing.”

“Yeah?” Kalinda took a few steps towards her now, and the piercing look in her eyes met Alicia’s. “You think you know me, but you don’t. I’m not who you think I am.”

“Maybe you’re not who you think you are either,” Alicia responded sarcastically. 

“I never made any promises that I haven’t kept.”

“I know. That’s not what this is about.”

“Then what is it about?” Kalinda gave her a challenging look.

Alicia felt like crying but she didn’t allow herself to break down in front her. At least one of them had to be an adult here. “I won’t let you treat me like one of your one-night-stands.”

“This is a one-night-stand. We had an agreement, remember?”

“Okay...this is useless.” Alicia raised her hands in frustration. “Just leave it, okay? This is a waste of time.” She reached for her handbag and walked to the front door. The doorknob already in her hand she turned around once more and was surprised to see that the harshness in Kalinda’s face had completely vanished. She just looked lost and sad. Ever so slowly Alicia opened the door hoping against hope that Kalinda would take the chance and change her mind. “See you at work then,” she said hesitantly.

But Kalinda only nodded and the front door clunked shut without another word from her. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Alicia went straight to the shower after the cab driver had dropped her off at her apartment. For more than half an hour she just let the water pour down on her, until the ringing of her cellphone interrupted her. It was Peter, who wanted to know if he could pick her up fifteen minutes earlier and by then she had to be dressed, made-up, and fed. Though she didn’t feel like eating at all, she didn’t want to take the risk of feeling faint on camera. 

She wished there was a way to cancel this event, but she knew how important it was for Peter, especially because his enemy Mike Kresteva was involved, and he would certainly jump at this opportunity to harp on about Peter’s private life. Of course, those were the perfect moments for the cameras to capture the face of Peter’s wife, giving away nothing. If Alicia had learned something over the last years, it was how to not let other people look into her soul, no matter how close the cameras zoomed in.

It felt strange that everything in Alicia’s apartment looked exactly the same as she had left it when she had gone to the work party. It was as if the rooms were trying to suggest that nothing had happened, that she was still the same person, and that she still had the same life. And in a way, the idea had a calming effect on Alicia. Yes, she was the same person, it was still the same life, so why did everything feel so different all of a sudden?

By the time Peter picked her up, Alicia had already slipped into her role perfectly. The election was nothing but a play and she would play her part as she had promised Peter she would. And by the time they entered the Convention Center together she was almost glad that she was forced to dive into a completely different world and to push back her own feelings to the deepest recess of her soul. There were more important things than her insignificant life -- how this state would be governed in the future, for instance.

Friendly and patient as always, Alicia answered the journalists’ questions and when Mike Kresteva went for low blows during the panel discussion, she let the cameras capture nothing more than the hint of a disgusted smile. Mike was one of the most skillful liars that Alicia had ever met and it galled her to witness him wrapping people around his little finger. But there was nothing she could do and she only hoped that Peter’s appearance would convince the audience much more than his.

“Take it easy, Alicia,” Eli hissed next to her. “What’s going on with you today? The press is just waiting for a moment of you getting emotional.”

Alicia smiled dutifully and waved modestly at the audience when Peter summoned her up onto the stage. 

“It won’t be easy to counter the aftermath of the economic crisis,” he said into the microphone, laying his arm around Alicia. “But I have a smart wife at my side and two fantastic kids and they are what give me the strength and energy to give my best for Illinois.”

Immediately, Mike called his wife onto the stage too. “A state can’t be ruled by empty words,” he shouted into the audience. “People should be judged based on their actions and if I remember right, Peter has been in prison for several months for his actions.”

Peter shot a quick glance at Eli who silently instructed him not to react to Mike’s provocation. “I think it’s time to open the discussion to the audience,” Peter suggested to the host. “What matters most are the concerns of the people of Illinois and what they need from us.”

The already overwrought host agreed to Peter’s idea and for the next hour the candidates took the audience’s questions. Alicia was glad to go back to her chair in the audience, even though the cameras were still keeping an eye on her. She felt so empty and exhausted that she longed for the event to end as much as she feared it. Hopefully Peter wouldn’t suggest coming home with her after the event. She didn’t have any energy left for anybody, not even him or the kids. Luckily, Zach was at Nisa’s place and Grace was at the movies with a friend, so neither of them would be home before 5:00 P.M.

Alicia wished there was an opportunity to check her cellphone and see if Kalinda had left a message, but she couldn’t risk making a distracted impression now. Her job was to sit here and pretend that her husband was saying the most important, insightful and exciting things in the world, no matter if she shared his opinions or not. And the cellphone had to stay in her handbag. 

Eli was at least halfway satisfied when the host closed the discussion. “One more nail in Kresteva’s coffin,” he hissed, waving Peter over to them. “It looks like we have lost some of the younger voters, though. We should talk about Zach and Grace’s participation again, Alicia. All we need is one event with the whole family. That’s all -- just one.”

“Out of the question.” Alicia smiled because there were still photographers in the room. “You know that, Eli.”

“Alicia, please. At least think about it. We’ve come so far,” Eli insisted, smiling as well. 

But Alicia ignored him. “You’re getting better every day,” she said to Peter when he joined them. “It’s hard not to want to vote for you.”

“I’m glad you liked it.” He put an arm around her cheerfully. “I’d vote for you as well.”

Alicia wasn't sure if he was still talking about the election and decided to change the subject. “When do you need me next Wednesday?” she asked Eli.

“At 7:00 P.M.” He pulled out his cellphone. “We need to take care of that CBS interview on Tuesday,” he informed Peter. “And Alicia, did you tell Diane and Will that you’ll be on a campaign tour in two weeks?”

“Yes, I’ve got the time off,” she nodded and for the very first time she looked forward to the strenuous campaign tour. A few weeks outside of Chicago would certainly be good for her.

Arm in arm, Alicia and Peter left the building and of course he asked whether he could come up to her apartment as soon as they were sitting alone in his car. “A glass of good wine, some relaxing music -- that would be perfect now, wouldn’t it?” he asked with a charming smile.

But to his disappointment she declined. “It was a long day yesterday,” she explained. “I’m pretty tired.”

“No problem.” He gave her a sidelong glance while starting the engine. “Are you alright?”

“Sure.” She nodded. “Just tired.”

Alicia jumped when her cellphone vibrated in her coat pocket. Maybe Grace wanted to be picked up from the movies? Alicia turned her BlackBerry’s display slightly towards the window so that Peter couldn’t see the text message. Her heart skipped a beat when she read the sender’s name. It wasn’t a long message, just a few words, but they raised her spirits immediately: _I’m sorry about this morning. Can you call? K._

“Who is it?” Peter asked. “Will Gardner?”

“No, it’s Kalinda.” Alicia put her cell back into her pocket. “She wants to discuss something.”

“How is she doing these days?” Peter shot a quick glance at her before he looked at the street again.

“She’s fine, as far as I know.”

“Her husband doesn’t harass her anymore?”

“No, your plan must have been great.” Alicia patted his arm. “And you’ve done a good deed.”

“I did it for you,” he said plainly. “You know that.”

“Yes, I do.” She withdrew her hand, before he could misread the gesture. “Did she give you something useful in return?”

“Oh yes.” He laughed. “She had some information for me about my own department. Can you imagine?” 

“Well, she worked for you for three years.” Alicia buttoned up her coat after Peter had turned into her street. “We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”

“Yes. Please say hi to Jackie for me. She did eat better this morning.” Peter parked the car and kissed her cheek. “And get some rest, Alicia. You look tired.”

“I will.” She got out of the car and waved back at Peter as he turned his car around. 

It was snowing again, and Alicia’s high heels were quite unsuitable for the icy pavements hidden under a thick blanket of fresh snow. Alicia slid carefully towards her building’s entrance and was glad when she had solid ground under her feet again. As soon as she had entered her flat she took her coat and shoes off and in her stockings, went to the phone.

“Hi Alicia.” Kalinda was on the phone after the first ring. “How was the panel discussion?”

“Annoying.” The sound of Kalinda’s voice stirred Alicia’s blood and she sat down on one of the dining room chairs. “Mike outdid himself. He’s such a rat.”

“I know. I saw it.”

That made Alicia smile. The image of Kalinda following the event on television right after she had thrown her out of her flat was kind of absurd. “You wanted to talk?” Alicia asked as matter-of-factly as possible.

“Yes.” Kalinda cleared her throat. “I’m sorry about this morning. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Her voice sounded strained and part of Alicia was immediately ready to forgive her, but she knew that this wouldn’t make things any better. “I know you didn’t. But don’t ever treat me like that,” she said instead. 

“I know.” Kalinda was silent for a while and Alicia wondered if she expected her to say something. But what was she supposed to say? There was nothing they could do. Things were the way they were. “It’s just that…” Kalinda paused again. “I think I need some distance.”

Alicia knew exactly what Kalinda was saying, but it hurt nevertheless. “I’ll be on a campaign tour with Peter in two weeks,” she said with an undertone of bitterness. “You’ll have all the distance you need.”

“Alicia…” Kalinda hesitated. “I don’t want you to think that…” She broke off and started over again. “I liked it, you know. I did.”

“Me too.” Alicia bit down on her lip to keep herself from saying more. More words would get them nowhere. 

For a moment they were silent again. “Well…” Kalinda said eventually. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yes.” Alicia suddenly dreaded the moment soon-to-come when Kalinda would put the phone down, but there was nothing more to say. “Yes, see you tomorrow.”

A click in the phone line, then it was silent.


	15. Part 15 - Squaring the Circle

“Damn.” Alicia cursed under her breath when she saw Cary Agos heading towards her office. Why couldn’t she just do her work without constantly being interrupted? And why were people always coming into her office, as though she didn’t have anything better to do than chat? “Is there something else, Cary?” she asked without even trying to sound friendly. “I thought we’d discussed the details already?”

“Your Mr. Feininger wants to talk to you again. He’s going to drop by at 3:00 P.M.,” Cary said with a smirk while sitting down on the edge of her desk. “It has to do with his wife or something.”

“Why is it _my_ Mr. Feininger all of a sudden? I thought we’d agreed that he’s yours.” Alicia rolled her eyes. To her displeasure, Mr. Feininger had turned out to be one of the most obnoxious clients she had ever defended and he loved to let fly with racy comments in her presence. “We’ve told him that you’ll be first chair in court, so why does he want to talk to me again?”

Cary didn’t respond immediately, he was busy trying to balance his coffee mug on his knee. “I don’t have your full hair, or your long legs, or your red lipstick. That guy is into you, Alicia.”

“Why do I always get the bad boys?” she complained and shot him a disapproving look. “Did you tell him that I’ll forward everything he tells me to you?”

“Yes, I did.” Cary grabbed some of David Lee’s M&Ms from the bowl on Alicia’s desk and popped them into his mouth. “But he only wants to talk to you. He says it’s because you’re a woman.”

Alicia reached for the phone and dialed Will’s number. “Feininger wants to talk to me without Cary,” she said outright. “I think it’s unhelpful that he’s so focused on me.”

“Did he say why he didn’t want to have Cary in the room?” Will’s voice sounded rushed, and Alicia heard voices in the background. She was probably interrupting a meeting, but today she wasn’t in the mood for being considerate. 

“He says it’s because I’m a woman,” she explained. “But I think he’s just playing games with us, as usual.”

“Yes, the guy is annoying, I know. But he's the cousin of one of our biggest clients, so we had to take his case," Will argued. "We shouldn't disappoint him, so let's give Mr. Feininger what he wants. I'll send you Kalinda. She's a woman, and she’ll support you if he goes too far."

"That's not necessary, Will." Alicia shot a nervous glance towards the office where Kalinda was working at her laptop. "Why can't Cary come with me? He's first chair."

"You just said that Mr. Feininger doesn't want a man."

"Yes, I did, but that's exactly my point." Alicia frowned at Cary who was smirking, clearly amused. Of course he was glad to be off the hook. "We shouldn't let him have his way on this."

"Oh yes, we should. He's Frank Jackson's cousin and we won't give him a reason to complain." Will was obviously unwilling to discuss the matter any further. "I'll send you Kalinda in half an hour." Before Alicia could respond, he had hung up. 

"Well, good luck then," Cary teased and waved cheerfully as he left her office. "Have fun!"

She let out a frustrated sigh as she watched him go. Now she not only had another unpleasant appointment with Mr. Feininger, she also had to meet Kalinda there. In the last three days they had somehow managed to avoid each other and Alicia had been more than fine with that. On Monday morning she had still been determined to talk to Kalinda but in the course of the day this intention had decreased gradually. Kalinda was just behaving too _normally_ , was joking with too many people, and was walking too vibrantly through the hallways. 

Alicia, on the other hand, felt so miserable that she would have loved to turn tail and go back home immediately. Her stomach pulled together every time she heard Kalinda’s voice somewhere and she tried to keep to her office as much as possible. How could someone act so totally casual and unaffected? Alicia wasn’t even sure anymore whether Kalinda was just pretending or whether she had actually gotten over their night together and had just gone back to business as usual. This was her normal behavior after sexual adventures, and Alicia didn’t seem to be an exception. Only the fact that they hadn’t seen each other for three whole days did suggest there was something else. For some odd reason they were never in the same room together. 

Alicia was relieved but simultaneously hurt by these strange coincidences. After the intimacy between them, she almost couldn’t bear being ignored like this. On the other hand, she had to admit that she had no idea how to deal with Kalinda. Her brain and feelings hadn’t been in such conflict with each other in a long time. Though she felt permanently drawn to Kalinda, her mind advocated the greatest possible distance, and tried desperately to remain in control over the situation. Why was this so incredibly hard? She had known from the beginning that she couldn’t be with a person whose lifestyle didn’t allow any kind of commitment. So why couldn’t she just let it go?

No matter how Alicia looked at it, she was trapped. In fact, she had been trapped for a long time, she just hadn’t realized it clearly until now. If only there was a way to stamp out her emotions and to go on with her life like it had been before. If she could only lock them up, drown them, erase them, or kill them off. But they stayed, faithful and persistent, and didn’t allow themselves to be shaken off. So she had no other option than doing what Kalinda was doing: keeping her distance. They had done that before after all -- before they slept with each other -- and now they would do it again.

And with all of this, it would have been a lot better if somebody else were to assist Alicia with the meeting with Mr. Feininger, but Will had been adamant. Should she talk to Diane instead? Alicia scrapped that idea -- she didn’t want to make the impression she couldn’t deal with the situation on her own, especially since Diane seemed to have guessed what it was that was making her relationship with Kalinda so complicated. 

From her desk, Alicia could see Will walking over to Kalinda and informing her about the appointment. Kalinda’s expression remained completely neutral, to the extent that Alicia began wondering if maybe they were talking about something else entirely. But after Will left, Kalinda closed her laptop and gazed into space for a long time before she returned her attention to the files on her desk.

Alicia suppressed the sudden urge to go over to her and stood up instead to meet Mr. Feininger in the conference room. She had just sat down there when she noticed that Courtney had brought coffee for everybody but had forgotten Kalinda’s milk. Or maybe nobody had informed her that Kalinda would be attending the meeting. In any case, Alicia walked down the long hallway to the kitchenette where she took a glass and a bottle of cold milk. 

When she came back into the conference room she saw Kalinda sitting on the chair next to hers. Mr. Feininger seemed to have been here too, since the air was filled with stale cigarette smell. “Where’s our client?” Alicia asked putting the milk on the table. 

“Thanks.” Kalinda looked up to her and Alicia found the hint of a smile in her face. “He suddenly decided he had to talk to Will before talking to you,” she explained and poured herself a glass of milk. 

“He loves messing up other people’s schedules,” Alicia sighed and sat down next to Kalinda. “Have you gotten acquainted with each other yet?”

“It wasn’t avoidable.” Kalinda’s expression made it clear that she wasn’t too keen on getting to know Mr. Feininger better.

“Kalinda…” Alicia took a sip from her coffee to cover her nervousness. “It wasn’t my idea to involve you. I wouldn’t have…”

“I know,” Kalinda interrupted her. “Don’t worry, Alicia. We both work here.”

“That’s true…” Alicia unsuccessfully racked her brain for some innocuous thought that could be appropriate for small talk, but she couldn’t come up with a single thing. Fortunately, Kalinda pulled out her BlackBerry and started to type messages, which gave Alicia the opportunity to focus her attention on her documents. 

Ten minutes later, Mr. Feininger was still in Will’s office and Alicia looked at her watch for the third time. Not only did she have better things to do than waiting for a client who behaved like a schoolboy, it was also that the silence between her and Kalinda was becoming more and more oppressive. “I think we should talk.” Alicia cleared her throat.

“About what?” Kalinda continued to type on her cellphone. 

“About the situation.”

“Is there anything more to say?”

“You think there isn’t?” Alicia was getting annoyed that Kalinda didn’t even bother to look up from her typing. “Do you think we’re working well together right now?”

Finally, Kalinda put her cellphone away. “It just needs some time,” she said, matter-of-fact. 

“You’re taking the easy way out, aren’t you?” Alicia couldn’t suppress the accusatory tone in her voice. It hurt her that Kalinda was talking about their relationship as if they were two horticulturalists talking about a wilted plant. 

“No.” Kalinda looked past Alicia through the glass walls where she could see Will and Mr. Feininger arguing. “But I never promised you anything, and I told you, more than once, that I would hurt you.”

Alicia couldn’t argue with that. Kalinda had in fact warned her, and she hadn’t been listening. But now they were where they were and didn’t know what to do next -- or at least _she_ didn’t know what to do next. Kalinda seemed to mind much less. But even though her words were true, it was unfair for Kalinda to use them as a lethal argument and disavow responsibility. Their relationship at work was something that concerned both of them, even if Kalinda saw that differently.

Alicia wanted to state coherently, with reasonable arguments, how irrationally Kalinda was acting, but she had difficulty organizing her thoughts. A pretty significant part of her was occupied with completely different things, while her mind was trying hard to have a solution-orientated conversation. Something in her was busy listening to Kalinda’s words without caring about their meaning. Her pulse rate increased every time Kalinda said her name, and when she looked at Kalinda’s slender fingers she recalled all the things they had done to her and the feelings they had provoked inside of her. How could she ever look into Kalinda’s eyes again without remembering their night together? How could they ever have a normal conversation again with all these memories and images in her head? 

“It’s not my intention to ask anything of you that you don’t want,” Alicia heard herself saying. “I just think we need a way to deal with the situation.”

“This _is_ my way,” Kalinda responded. “I can’t help you with yours. You have to find it out for yourself.”

Alicia was about to give her a tart response when the door was opened and Mr. Feininger came into the conference room. “Oh, I’m lucky,” he said smiling. “Now it’s two beautiful girls at my service.”

“Hello, Mr. Feininger.” Alicia shook his hand without responding to his comment. “I take it you’ve already met the investigator of our firm, Ms. Sharma.” 

“Yes, and to be honest, I’d prefer talking to you in private, Mrs. Florrick,” he mumbled and looked deeply into her eyes. His breath smelled of alcohol and Alicia instinctively leaned back in her chair.

“You’ve asked for another appointment with our firm, Mr. Feininger,” Alicia got right down to business. “Is it about some information that Mr. Agos and I should have?”

“Yes, that’s correct.” Mr. Feininger’s eyes followed Alicia’s moves lustfully as she poured him coffee into his mug. “But I asked to talk to you alone.”

“Sorry. Company policy,” Kalinda said tersely, and looked at him so firmly that he quickly understood that there wasn’t any scope for disagreement.

“Okay…” he dwelled and folded his rugged hands around his coffee mug. “My wife said that I couldn’t have broken into the store because I was home at the time.”

“Yes, that’s what she put on record.” Alicia pulled out the document with Mrs. Feininger’s police interview. “Is there something you want to add?”

“Yes, there is.” He scratched his head. “My wife…she wasn’t telling the truth. I wasn’t at home that night.”

Alicia raised her eyebrows. “Then why did she say so?”

“She wanted to help me.” He said it as if it was the most natural thing in the world to invent some kind of story in such a situation. “I told her that I had a business meeting in Evanston and was on my way back to Chicago when the burglary happened.”

“And were you in Evanston?” Alicia put her pen aside and decided to listen to his explanations before taking any further notes.

“Yes, but only in the morning.”

“And where were you at the time of the burglary?”

“At my girlfriend’s place.”

“At your…” Alicia needed a moment to compose herself. This guy let his wife give him an alibi for a time during which he was cheating on her with his girlfriend? “And why wasn’t your girlfriend able to give you an alibi?”

“Vanessa is the wife of Senator Brown. She doesn’t want to give me an alibi.”

Alicia exchanged a short glance with Kalinda, who had been listening to Mr. Feininger’s words seemingly unaffected. “And you want me to make sure that your false alibi doesn’t get exposed in court?” she asked in disbelief. 

Mr. Feininger bent over the table to Alicia. “I love my wife, Mrs. Florrick. I thought you would understand my situation and support me. After all, you forgave your husband for having sex with other people. You understand that men need something different from time to time, just for banging, you know. It doesn’t have anything to do with my wife.”

“Mr. Feininger.” Alicia was talking very slowly to make sure that he understood every word she was saying. "If you don’t tell the truth in court we won’t defend you.”

He looked at her, clearly taken aback. “Do you know what this would mean for Senator Brown’s career, Mrs. Florrick? Your Peter is active in politics too.” He whispered the sentence as if they were allies of a conspiracy. “Sometimes it’s necessary to protect higher matters.”

“What higher matters? You cheated on your wife,” Alicia said coldly. “And Judge McCoy will find out very quickly whether your alibi is correct or not. I can’t help you with that and even if I could, I wouldn’t do it.”

His bafflement was almost funny -- until it suddenly switched to anger. “If you let me down now I will lose both my wife and my girlfriend!” he shouted furiously and rose from his chair. “You have to help me or you’ll pay for it, believe me. I have friends in high places too.” He planted himself in front of her threateningly. “You better come to your senses, lady. I thought marriage meant something to you!”

“Mr. Feininger.” Alicia got up from her chair, to be at eye-level with him. “Our firm will help you if you’re honest in court, and I promise you that you’ll have a good chance of not ending up in jail.”

“I told you, I can’t!” He sounded defiant, like a little boy.

Now Kalinda rose from her chair too and stood beside Alicia. “Watch your tone, Mr. Feininger,” she said calmly. “We’re not in your favorite bar here.”

He acted as though he hadn’t heard her. “I thought you would be different, Mrs. Florrick,” he said in a despising tone. “I thought that love would mean something to you.” His eyes wandered from Alicia’s face to the cleavage of her dress. “Maybe you need to get laid properly, so that you remember the difference between sex and love.” He grinned at her brazenly. “It would do you good.”

He went to make an obscene gesture, but before he knew it, his upper body landed on the conference table with a loud thud, Kalinda’s elbow piercing into his back. “You’ll be lucky if you don’t get a complaint for sexual harassment,” she explained with her cool investigator voice that could sometimes frighten even Alicia. “And now, you’ll apologize to Mrs. Florrick.”

He groaned under Kalinda’s firm grip. “You’re breaking my arm, lady! Let go of me!” he cursed and tried to free himself. But Kalinda’s arm didn’t give him any leeway.

“Have you said anything yet?” Kalinda strengthened the pressure. 

Embarrassed, Alicia looked around. Of course everybody in the firm had heard the noise and several colleagues were looking over to them with a mixture of shock and curiosity. “Let go of him,” she whispered into Kalinda’s ear. “Before he decides to sue us.”

Kalinda nodded and slowly loosened her grip. “This meeting is over, Mr. Feininger,” she said stepping back. “I think you know where the exit is.”

Furious, he reached for his jacket and left the room with loud and vulgar curses, making sure that the whole floor could hear him. 

“What’s the matter with you?” Alicia whispered to Kalinda while she gave their colleagues a reassuring sign through the glass wall that everybody could go back to work. “He’s not the first obnoxious client I have to defend and I know very well how to deal with people like him.”

“Yes, of course, but it was time somebody gave him some boundaries.” Kalinda collected her documents. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, sure.”

“You don’t need to let yourself be humiliated like that, just because he’s a client.” Kalinda was about to leave the conference room when Will appeared at the door. 

“Everything okay here?” he asked and looked from one to the other. 

“Yes,” Alicia smiled. “Mr. Feininger became a bit too pushy today and Kalinda helped to give him some boundaries.”

“Did we just loose a client?” Alicia could see how he was torn between relief and concern. “His cousin won’t like that.”

“It wouldn’t have been a good idea to keep him,” Alicia explained quickly. “His alibi was pure fiction, and though he had a real one he wasn’t willing to use it. I don’t think he would have done the firm any good.”

“I’d better call his cousin before Mr. Feininger does.” Will looked at his watch. “You two should give yourself some time to recover from the incident,” he said with an encouraging smile. “Give yourself a break, have a coffee together and be back at work in half an hour.”

“That’s not necessary,” both women said at once, and became silent simultaneously when Will shot a surprised glance at them. 

“Then don’t.” He shrugged. “But take it easy for the rest of the day.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Apart from the incident with Mr. Feininger, the last days before Alicia’s trip went by pretty well and relatively uneventfully. She didn’t get many new cases since she would be away for four weeks and so she worked off some old ones to clear her desk. For this reason she also didn’t have to work with Kalinda who was needed for the firm’s new cases. 

The misery that had at first caused Alicia great agony began to subside and turned into a quiet, steady pain that accompanied her like a background noise everywhere she went. She ignored it as best as she could, since the preparation for the campaign tour required all of her energy. Not only did she have to make preparations for the trip, she also had to make arrangements for her children to be on their own for four weeks. Owen had promised to live at Alicia’s apartment for the time being, but he had his own life and wouldn’t always be available for the kids. Alicia also had to make sure that Jackie was in good hands during her absence, since Peter was too busy to deal with the staff at the nursing home. It had turned out that some of Jackie’s medication had to be discontinued, but it was incredibly difficult to find a physician who was willing to do that. 

On top of all this, Alicia had to spend a lot of time in boutiques and clothes shops, because she had to buy or rent clothes and jewelry in large quantities. The media loved commenting on clothes and they would report it immediately if the candidate’s wife was wearing the same outfit more than twice. Eli had hired a stylist for clothing and make-up issues, though Alicia had made it clear that she hated it when somebody interfered in her clothing style. So it was a constant point of discussion between her and Eli, no matter how well that lady might do her job. 

Peter liked to tease Alicia that the new clothes were a nice side effect, but Alicia didn’t feel comfortable in her skin anymore. After all these years, it felt strange and disconcerting to be reduced to being the pretty attachment of her husband again. Thankfully the campaign was a temporary thing, so Alicia tried to put up with it as well as she could. 

The perfectionism of the campaign preparation was almost frightening and Alicia wondered sometimes if her life would be this precisely stage-managed in the future too. Of course it was nice to dive into this shiny, calculated world, as long as it was possible to emerge on the surface again. And the latter was Alicia’s explicit wish. She didn’t want things to be different after the election, at least not in any significant way. She wanted to stay in Chicago, keep her kids at the same school, keep her job at Lockhart & Gardner and become an equity partner soon. Right now it wasn’t clear if things would really turn out like that, but Alicia hoped they would. 

Her last working day was much more hectic than the past two weeks, because she was very keen to hand over her work as completely as possible. She hadn’t realized before now just how much knowledge she had acquired over the last four years of her employment at Lockhart & Gardner and how difficult it was to transfer it to other people. But eventually, a little after 8:00 P.M., she had finished doing everything she would be able to do for her colleagues, and quietly closed her office. She had already said her good-byes to Diane and Will, who had wished her the best for the upcoming campaign tour, and there was only one other person left on the floor that she needed to talk to.

Alicia hadn’t expected Kalinda to actually still be at the firm this late, but to her surprise she was sitting at her desk and even asked her to come in when Alicia cautiously knocked at the door. She was so little prepared for this that she promptly forgot what to say and stopped at the threshold. 

“Are you leaving?” Kalinda asked, turning to Alicia.

“Yes. We’re going to set off tomorrow morning.” Alicia cleared her throat. “The first appointments will be in Aurora.”

“It’s probably not easy staying in a different hotel room almost every day.”

At first Alicia thought she had just imagined it, but Kalinda was clearly behaving differently from the last two weeks. Her expression was more open and more approachable and reminded Alicia of bygone times, before everything had become so complicated. Maybe it was Alicia’s upcoming absence that made it possible for Kalinda to drop her usual façade for a short moment. “I’m not used to being around people all the time anymore,” Alicia confessed. “I bet I’ll be longing for my flat by the first day already.”

“Will you be with Peter all the time?”

“Eli is changing the schedule book constantly, so I haven’t checked it anymore lately, but yes, I think I will. And of course we’ll be staying in the same hotel room.” Alicia said the last sentence more quietly, although there wasn’t anybody there anymore to hear them. The public knew that their marriage had been in a severe crisis, but everybody thought that she was back at Peter’s side by now.

“Of course.” Kalinda looked at her attentively. “Are you nervous because of the campaign tour?”

“Yes.”

“You will do great, Alicia. Eli knows why he insisted on taking you with them.”

“You mean because I’m Saint Alicia for Eli?” Alicia laughed quietly. “I don’t know… a gubernatorial election is something else entirely.”

“Alicia…” Kalinda waited until Alicia looked at her. “You will make it, I’m sure you will. You have everything people like. Style, grace, brain, honesty, straightforwardness, modesty, and the cameras love you. Of course, Eli knows how important you are for the campaign and he knows you can do it.”

“I don’t know…” Alicia lowered her head. “I hope I’ll remember your words.”

“Call me if you need to hear them again.”

“Thank you.” Alicia cleared her throat again. “I’d better go…”

“Yes, of course.” Kalinda turned back to her laptop. “Good luck, Alicia.”

“Thanks.” Alicia smiled. “Take care, Kalinda.”

“Always.”

Alicia waved at her one more time before she left her office and walked to the elevator to get to the parking level. She was in a good mood suddenly and almost started humming in the elevator. But she knew that a lot of things were waiting for her at home. She had to pack, clean the apartment, and Owen would arrive around 9:30 P.M. . 

On her way home Alicia called Owen to ask him whether he could come over thirty minutes later, but to her surprise he was already sitting in her living room watching sitcoms. “Grace let me in,” he said chewing (apparently he had opened Alicia’s bag of chips already). “But she left a while ago with a friend, so I’m enjoying myself on your sofa.”

“Is there a reason why you’re early?” Owen was usually late, so either he had a heartache or a crisis in his relationship, or both. 

“I finished earlier today.”

“Owen…” Alicia said in a certain undertone that her brother was quite familiar with. 

“Okay,” he confessed. “I had a fight with Tom. He’s still in my flat and I’m sick of his offended face.”

“Tom?” Alicia steered her car onto the big parking area near her apartment. “What about Bruce?”

“Bruce left a bruise on my heart.” Owen paused dramatically. “He dumped me. For a woman. Can you imagine?”

“That’s disgusting.” Alicia pretended to be upset for him, but her brother knew she wasn’t being serious. 

“Gays are not half the men they used to be,” he grumbled. “When will you be here?”

“I’m parking my car, I’ll be with you in five minutes.” Alicia put her cellphone down to back into a parking space where her Buick would be able to stay for the next four weeks. Heavily laden with files that she had taken with her from her office, she trudged through the snow and almost slipped at her front door. Fortunately she was able to catch her balance again -- a campaign tour with a broken leg was the last thing she needed. With her elbow she pushed the bell button and sighed with relief when Owen opened the door.

“Are you planning to take your office with you?” He shook his head and took some of the piles of papers from her arms. 

“Just a few things that will help me not forget who I am,” she murmured and brought the rest of the files to the bedroom where her suitcases lay, arranged by size, on the floor. 

“Great plan,” he said dryly. “But I could remind you regularly, which would mean less to heft. Just give me a call,” he said and raised his thumb and pinky to his ear.

“Very kind of you.” Alicia let herself drop onto the bed. “Have you eaten yet?”

“Just your chips,” he smirked. “You want me to cook something?”

“Yes, if you don’t mind. That would give me time to pack and clean the flat.”

And that’s how they did it. Alicia whirled through the flat like a dervish while Owen created, loudly whistling to himself, a potato casserole, and in passing turned the kitchen into a disaster area, or at least it looked a lot like one when Alicia joined him after packing and cleaning the rest of the flat. “You still have to tell me who Tom is,” she said when he put a large helping of his potato casserole onto her plate. “Or is it a waste of time to remember his name?”

“No, you don’t need to remember him.” Owen put at least twice as much on his own plate, before he shoved the rest of the casserole back into the oven. 

“Is it possible that you’re maybe still missing Matthew?” Alicia asked, straightforward, and saw her suspicion confirmed when he looked down awkwardly at his food. “Have you ever spoken to him again?”

“Why should I? It’s over. It wouldn’t change anything.”

“It doesn’t sound like it, and if you don’t talk to him you’ll never know how over it is,” Alicia reminded him. “Your Bruces and Toms aren’t helping much, are they?”

“Yeah, I know.” He poked at the potatoes with his fork. “By the time you’re back from your campaign tour I’ll call him, okay?”

“I’ll take you up on that.” Alicia gave him her hand to accept it. 

“Good, then it’s settled.” Owen shook her hand and seemed to be in a better mood immediately. “And you?” he asked and brandished his fork in her direction. “How are things with Kal-l-l-inda?” He spoke the name as though he wanted to start singing a pop song. “You looked nice together at the _Signature Lounge_.”

Alicia noticed that she was blushing and hoped her brother was too busy with his meal to notice it. “Kalinda is doing fine, as far as I know.”

“Does she still have a crush on you?”

“I never said she had.”

“Of course you didn't,” he nodded, chewing. “But it’s obvious. So tell me, how is it going with the two of you?”

“It’s complicated.”

It was out of Alicia’s mouth before she could take it back and of course Owen abruptly stopped chewing and put his fork back onto the plate. “Why complicated? Either she has the hots for your or she doesn’t.”

Alicia wished she could change the topic somehow but she knew how persistent Owen could be when it came to issues like this. “Could you please change your choice of words?” she asked. “We’re not on your campus.”

“And we aren’t in your prim and proper law firm either,” he scrutinized her. “Tell me. Something happened, didn’t it? Did she hit on you?”

“Owen…”

“Sorry, then…mack on you?” He put his cutlery aside, looking intensely at her. “What happened, Alicia? Tell your baby brother. What’s complicated?” 

“Do you want some more?” Alicia reached for the wine bottle and poured him a second glass of white wine. 

Owen didn’t stop staring at her and Alicia knew that he had guessed the truth. “You slept with her,” he said, stunned. 

Alicia riveted her gaze to the label of the wine bottle. It sounded so simple when he said it. As if a few words could summarize what had happened between them. “It makes me nervous when you’re looking at me like that,” she murmured.

“Wow!” Owen leaned back in his chair and shook his head, impressed. “Respect, Alicia. I never would have guessed that.” He seemed to be downright proud of her and she had to smile inwardly at his bafflement. Somehow it was nice to surprise her brother after all these years. 

“Are you smitten too?” He sat down on the chair next to her and laid his arms around her. “I mean…are you going for her?” he corrected himself. “Wow!” he repeated when she didn’t say anything. “My big sister is into women. Who would have…” He was silent for a while and seemed to ponder. “Is this the first time you’ve been interested in a woman?” he asked. “I mean, have you ever…”

“Owen, please stop this.” Alicia raised her hands. “I don’t know what it is and I don’t want to discuss it with you and it doesn’t matter anyway because we’re going separate ways.”

“Why are you going separate ways? Because of Peter and his governor stuff?”

“No, because…things are the way they are.”

“You sound like my math teacher.”

“You math people only need to string together some formulas,” Alicia objected. “Life is more complicated than that.”

“Oh, it’s not that different actually,” he pondered aloud. “She likes you, you like her…that’s a very simple equation for gays.”

“You mean the kind of gays you’re fooling around with at the moment?” she mocked. “That’s probably why everything is going so well with your guys.”

“Ouch.” He faked being offended. “But you have to admit: sometimes the simplest things in life are the best.”

“Except when they’re not possible.”

“That’s only because you women have to make everything so complicated.” He kissed her temple. “Remember what you just told me regarding Matthew?”

“That you should talk to him?”

“Exactly.”

Alicia sighed deeply. “I’ve tried that. She doesn’t want to.”

“Then try again.”

Alicia shook her head. “I don’t even know what I want myself,” she explained. “That’s a bad starting point for a talk.”

“Then find out.”

“How?”

“I don’t know…” He shrugged. “Go for her. Force her to talk to you. Kiss her out of her mind…”

“Thank you, Owen, that’s very helpful.” Alicia had to laugh, and realized how good it felt to not uselessly brood all the time. She was so sick of the misery she had maneuvered herself into. “Okay, I’ll talk to her as soon as I’m back in Chicago,” she offered. 

“Good, then accept.” Owen put out his hand and waited for her to take it. 

And after a short moment of hesitation, it was a done deal.


	16. Part 16 - Squaring the Circle

Alicia had expected the ensuing four weeks to be extremely strenuous, but only after a few days of traveling, she realized how much energy this campaign tour would actually drain out of her. They were a team of twelve people, including the chauffeurs and bodyguards, and Alicia’s timetable was bulging with appointments. Eli put great value in Alicia being present at almost every one of Peter’s appearances. “People need to see that everything’s great in their candidate’s life,” he explained. “Your quiet presence in the background shows that he’s the star, but he always has your backing.” 

In addition to these public appearances, several appointments were scheduled with the press every day. Peter and Alicia went to most of them together, unless, as it was sometimes the case, the media wanted to talk to only one of them. Some women’s magazines and several daily newspapers took this opportunity to interview the candidate’s wife, and Alicia tried to advertise Peter as well as she could. It wasn’t easy to keep her private life to herself without making the interviewer feel snubbed, but Alicia didn’t see why the whole world should suddenly have insight into her life just because Peter was running for political office. Fortunately, she was always kind and clear in her interviews and usually managed to lead the conversation back to Peter’s campaign issues while still being an engaging interviewee. 

Apart from these events, Peter and Alicia had meetings almost every day with important people (mostly politicians) that were closed to the public. Sometimes they involved press meetings and photo ops, sometimes they took place in a restaurant or in private chambers. The highlight was without a doubt a dinner with the President and his wife, who told Peter and Alicia about their own campaign tour over a glass of wine. Compared to their exertions, Peter’s tour was a cakewalk and Alicia was surprised how many sacrifices they had been ready to make. She was fed up with the tour after only a week and was already counting the days until she could go back to her normal life. 

At least every other day, she called her kids at home, though Zach and Grace didn’t seem to appreciate her frequent phone calls very much. But she needed to know that everything was alright at home, especially because her own days were often chaotic and unpredictable right now. Something unexpected would occur constantly and almost every night she stayed at a different hotel. It felt like an endless marathon, the exertion of which wasn’t allowed to show on one’s face. Constant pleasantness and extreme concentration were required, for a single thoughtless word could promptly find itself in the newspapers’ headlines the next day.

Luckily, the collaboration with Peter was working markedly well. It helped a lot that they had known each other for so many years, and had over time learned to deal with the other’s kinks. Peter was acting like a top athlete these days, always focusing on the essentials, and he never lost his composure. Alicia knew how grateful he was for her contribution and he often complimented her, telling her how proud he was of her. Even Eli let her know how satisfied he was and his frequent praise gave her the strength to go on. 

At first Alicia had been afraid of the nights with Peter, for she wasn’t sure how much distance he would keep. But he seemed to know that even the smallest dissonance between them could have a negative impact on the campaign and so he never overstepped her boundaries. Regardless of his cautious behavior, she did notice that he was obviously waiting for her to take the next step and signal her readiness for a real relationship and marriage. 

Indeed, Alicia thought a lot about this option during these weeks. She would no longer have to keep her private life under lock and key, and the kids could live in one place again. Alicia had started to realize that Peter really regretted his past infidelities, and that he actually meant it when he promised her fidelity. Nonetheless, she could never be sure how long his good intentions would last and she realized that her trust had been so deeply destroyed that even time didn’t seem to be able to heal it completely.

When they sat in the car, going from one appointment to another, Alicia often caught herself thinking of Kalinda. She had hoped that the campaign tour would distract her from the situation at home, but that wasn’t the case -- on the contrary. Maybe it was because she felt so lost and not herself these days, her subconscious was looking for something to hold on to. 

Alicia found that longing was like a biting insect that took advantage of every nook to make itself felt. Sometimes it happened while she was sitting in the campaign bus, sometimes while having breakfast with Peter, sometimes in the middle of a talk with a reporter. And the little bug was also responsible for the fact that Alicia responded only in writing to the work related calls on her voicemail. The more distance she kept, the better. 

Only once did Alicia actually call back. She was having lunch with Peter in Springfield when she noticed that Cary Agos had tried to reach her three times within the last thirty minutes. Since Peter was talking on the phone with Eli anyway, Alicia spontaneously pressed the dial-back key. “Cary? What’s so urgent?”

“Hi Alicia,” she heard Cary’s surprised reaction. “Hold on a second.” Alicia heard him walking through the hallway until the prattle of voices in the background became quieter. “I’m at my desk now,” he explained. “How’s the campaign going?”

“I’ve already aged twenty years.” Alicia turned her back to Peter so that she wouldn’t interfere with his phone call. 

“And you have ten days left,” Cary teased. “We’ll see if I recognize you when you get back. You look good on TV, by the way.”

“Sorry, but I’m in a hurry, Cary,” Alicia urged. “Why did you call me?”

“Yes, hold on.” Alicia heard him typing something into his computer. “I need the names of the married couple that fought for the intrauterine surgery of their baby a few years ago, or at least the file reference.”

“Oh…” Alicia knit her brow. “I need some time to think about that. Can’t Will help you with this? He was involved in the case too.”

“No, he’s in court and won’t pick up his cell.”

“And Kalinda?”

“She’s in San Diego with Donna Seabrook. Remember that woman from Legal Aid? Officially it’s about some research, but I think there’s something else going on and I certainly won’t bother them.”

Alicia felt her stomach tense up. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, pretty much.” It was obvious that Cary was far from pleased about his assumption. “From what I know, they had a thing going on years ago and it’s obvious that something’s happening between them again.”

Alicia vaguely remembered a Donna Seabrook who had introduced herself to her at a work party. The woman had incorrectly assumed that Kalinda and Alicia were involved -- she had been quite hostile about it -- and Kalinda had discretely tried to correct the misunderstanding. So Kalinda and Donna were together again? The thought alone made Alicia feel sick. 

“Are you still there?”

“Yes, sure.” Alicia tried to pull herself together. “I’m just thinking about the couple’s name… I guess it was Willoughby or something… Can you look that up?” Alicia spelled the name. “Yes, now that I’m thinking about it I remember that the mother’s name was Kate Willoughby. I can’t recall the father’s name but it’ll be in the file.”

“Yes, there they are!” Cary was typing something in the background. “You were right. Thank you, Alicia!”

“You’re welcome.” Alicia wanted to end this call as soon as possible. “I need to hang up, Cary. Say hi to everybody,” she said as kindly as she could.

“Thanks, I’ll do that. Good luck for the rest of the campaign!”

Alicia’s hand was shaking when she put her cellphone back onto the table, and she considered stepping out onto the restaurant’s patio. 

“Alicia?” Peter looked at her. “Are you alright? Was something wrong with the dessert?”

“I’m not sure…” Alicia could feel that the color had drained from her cheeks. “I think I’ll lie down for a moment.”

Peter stood up immediately and waved for one of the bodyguards. “Skip our next appointment and make sure you get some rest in our room.”

“It’s nothing, Peter, really…”

“Alicia, get some rest, okay?” He laid his arm around her. “Tonight’s the dinner with Governor Mitchell and his wife. That’s more important than the press conference.”

Alicia knew that it was unreasonable not to pace herself, so she agreed to go upstairs to their hotel room. However, as soon as she was lying on her bed, she regretted her decision. Why couldn’t she stop thinking about Kalinda and this Donna person? It was to be expected that Kalinda would get involved (or whatever she would call it) with somebody else, and Alicia had wanted her to, so why was it so hard to bear? She had to find a way to cope with reality and this was a good chance to start with it right away. Alicia reached for a handkerchief and wiped the tears from her cheeks. Kalinda was probably enjoying herself with Donna, and she should be glad for her. Maybe she was good in bed and could give Kalinda what she wanted. Good sex, but no commitment. Alicia pressed her hands against her forehead as if she could banish her thoughts that way. 

In order to end her misery, she decided to take a long shower, and did indeed feel a lot better afterwards. Nonetheless, her façade felt incredibly fragile when she went back to Peter and she hoped that it wouldn’t crumble during the dinner with the governor in a few hours. Alicia knew how Peter loved to illustrate what a charming, smart wife he had, but she didn’t feel charming at all right now. 

Fortunately, she could always rely on her ability to push everything else aside when it was necessary and so she presented a perfect façade as soon as she linked arms with Peter and greeted the governor and his wife at 8:00 P.M. Mr. Mitchell and his wife turned out to be very nice, interesting people and to Alicia’s great relief everything ran smoothly. Both Mitchells obviously loved to talk and the meeting quickly became one of the most pleasant appointments of the campaign tour. At 11:30 P.M. they were still sitting in the private room of an exclusive restaurant, discussing the pros and cons of the American school system, but eventually Peter looked at his watch and announced that he and Alicia had to get up early in the morning.

“Oh, come on, Peter. Just one more glass,” the governor put on his most charming smile. “You can do your speeches in your sleep.”

Peter shot a questioning glance at Alicia and smiled when she nodded politely. “Ten more minutes,” he agreed, raising his glass to the Mitchells. 

Alicia jumped at the vibrating sound of her cellphone and quickly put her glass back on the table. Who was calling her in the middle of the night? Was there something wrong with the kids? Frantically, she pulled out her cell from her handbag and saw that the caller wasn’t Owen but Kalinda, and at this time of day it couldn’t mean anything good. “I’m sorry, that’s work,” she informed the others and walked to an empty side room to have some privacy. “Kalinda?” she asked, concerned. “Is anything wrong?”

“Hi Alicia. How are you?”

“I’m fine. What’s going on?”

“Mr. Feininger was sentenced to three years in prison because of burglary.” Kalinda’s articulation was strangely fuzzy as if she was drunk, but Alicia decided she must have heard wrong. She had never seen her drunk. “His second alibi wasn’t true either,” Kalinda continued. “Who would have thought it?”

“The alibi with his girlfriend Vanessa?”

“Yes, exactly. Of course McCoy saw right through him and probed immediately.” Kalinda was indeed talking slower than normal, as though it was taking her great effort to do so. “He actually had been at Vanessa’s place that night, but had also had enough time afterwards to break into the shop.”

Alicia blinked, confused. This was the reason why Kalinda was calling her in the middle of the night? To tell her that Mr. Feininger had been sentenced? “I’m glad I refused to defend him,” she said slowly and waited for Kalinda to come out with the real reason for her call. While it was getting quiet on the other end of the line, Alicia looked around to make sure that she was still alone and then took off her uncomfortable shoes. These days she was switching shoes so often that she didn’t have time to break them in. “Are you alright?” she asked when Kalinda hadn’t said anything further. “You’re not calling me in the middle of the night to talk to me about Mr. Feininger, are you?”

“Is it that late already? Here it’s only 10:00 P.M.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Yes.”

“Where are you?”

“In a hotel bar in San Diego.”

Alicia bit down on her lower lip. So Cary had been right, Kalinda was in California with that woman. “I’ve heard that you’re away on business with a colleague from Legal Aid,” she said to give Kalinda a hint that she knew what was going on.

“Donna,” Kalinda complied. “She’s sleeping already.”

“Without you?” Alicia couldn’t help the snide remark. 

“We had a fight.”

Alicia suppressed a sigh. That was just what she needed: a Kalinda with relationship problems, or affair problems, or whatever she would call it. “You don’t expect me to help you with your relationship, do you?” she asked, sounding more snappy than she had intended. “You should…”

“I couldn’t go through with it,” Kalinda interrupted her. 

“What?”

“I couldn’t go through with it…” Kalinda paused for a moment and Alicia guessed that she was drinking, probably another shot of tequila. “I don’t like it anymore.”

Alicia wiped over her eyes with her hand and wondered what she had done to deserve this. “What do you want from me, Kalinda? I can’t help you with that.”

“I booked a room at the hotel where you’ll be staying the day after tomorrow.”

“What? Why? How do know where we’ll be staying?”

“I’m an investigator, Alicia. You’ll be staying at the Fairfield Inn in Naperville.”

Alicia was about to lose her composure. Either she would shout at Kalinda, or burst into tears. “Kalinda…” she said slowly. “I don’t want you to come, I’m serious. I can’t do this right now.”

“Well I...” Kalinda spoke so quietly that Alicia nearly couldn’t hear her. “I just want to see you.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Yes, I know.” Kalinda was silent again. “Did you understand what I just told you?”

“That the sex is not as good as usual?”

Kalinda laughed quietly. “That’s what I said? Maybe I haven’t drunk enough yet.”

“Then what are you telling me?” Alicia leaned her tired head into her hand and tried to concentrate. Never before had she felt so empty and drained and Kalinda’s phone call was the last thing she needed right now. 

“I tried to tell you that…that it feels wrong to be with anybody other than you.”

Alicia stared motionlessly at her elegant shoes next to her feet. “Why are you telling me this? I don’t want to hear it.”

“Because I want to ask you if you would be willing to try it with me.”

Alicia was absolutely certain that she had misheard Kalinda. “Try what?” she asked confused.

“To be with me.”

“To be with…” Alicia stopped in mid-sentence and stood up from her chair. She had to move around to sort her thoughts and went back and forth in the room in her stockings. Kalinda couldn’t be serious. “Are you sure you would still ask me this tomorrow? Maybe you should wait till you’re sober again.”

“You’re changing the subject.”

Alicia walked to the window and looked down at the illuminated streets of Springfield, blind to the beautiful view. For the most part, she knew that Kalinda would never do anything without thinking about the consequences and she certainly had given this a lot of thought. But even if she was being serious, there were thousands of reasons not to. Unfortunately Alicia wasn’t able to think of a single one right now, because her brain had mutated into a vast, confusing knot. “Kalinda...” she said cautiously. “Are you aware that we couldn’t tell anybody about it? I couldn’t do this to Peter.”

“Yes, I know.”

“That wouldn’t be a problem for you?”

“I didn’t say that. But I understand.”

Alicia pressed her forehead against the cold window pane and breathed in deeply. Her heart was beating so loudly that she was worried Peter would hear it in the other room. The most important, the most serious objection hadn’t been mentioned yet and Alicia realized her hands were shaking when she started to speak. “Too many things have happened in my life to try this, Kalinda,” she said quietly. “I couldn’t survive being cheated on again, and I don’t want to put this kind of pressure on you.”

“I know that,” Kalinda said calmly. “And I asked you nonetheless.”

Her last words brought tears to Alicia’s eyes and she wished she was somewhere else than in an impersonal room in a restaurant. “Do you really think you can open up enough for a relationship?”

“I’ve tried to be open, haven’t I?”

“Yes, you have.” Alicia involuntarily smiled when she thought of Kalinda’s somewhat awkward attempts at revealing little details of her life. “Why do you want to come to Naperville, Kalinda?”

“I told you that I want to see you.”

“But have you considered that bodyguards are watching every single step I take and that there are paparazzi everywhere, not to mention that I have countless appointments every day?”

“That’s okay.”

“You’re crazy.” Alicia would have loved to somehow slip through the line to press an extended, indecent kiss onto Kalinda’s lips. But she needed to be patient for a while longer and she knew that it was wrong to let her feelings guide her. She needed time to think about Kalinda’s question. Her aversion for any kind of bonding or commitment had been so inviolable until now that Alicia had never thoroughly asked herself whether she was really ready for a relationship with her. “I need some time, Kalinda,” she said honestly. “And I need to finish this campaign tour, before I’m able to decide anything.”

“I see.” Kalinda’s voice sounded neutral, so that Alicia couldn’t tell if she was hurt or not. “Do you want me to cancel the flight?”

“No, not at all. Please come.” Alicia looked nervously at the door that led to the room where Peter and the Mitchells were sitting. They were probably wondering what was going on with her. “If you don’t mind the crazy situation here, please come,” she repeated. “I’ve missed you, Kalinda,” she added quietly. “You have no idea how much.”

Kalinda laughed quietly and Alicia could hear the relief in her voice. “I’ll be at the Fairfield Inn at 11:00 A.M.”

“Send me a text when you’re in Springfield and I’ll respond as soon as I can.” Alicia went back to the chair near her shoes. She felt a little dizzy, as though she had drunk too much alcohol herself. Just to be on the safe side, she sat down to put on her shoes. “What are you going do about Donna?”

“She’ll have a lot space in her bed tonight. I’ll take a different room.”

“But stay in your hotel. You’ve drunk too much.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” Kalinda said dryly. “Where’s Peter?”

“We’re having dinner with Governor Mitchell and his wife. I just stepped out for a moment.”

“I’m keeping you from having dinner with Governor Mitchell?” Kalinda was honestly dismayed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s alright, Kalinda. Don’t worry,” Alicia reassured her. “We were about to leave anyway.”

“Okay but I’d better hang up now. Good night, Alicia.”

“Good night, Kalinda. And thank you.” Alicia pressed the warm cellphone against her forehead trying to get her irregular breathing under control. It was impossible to return to the table like this. Her cheeks were flushed, her stomach was doing somersaults, and her make-up was smudged. So Alicia decided to go to the restroom first, wash her face, and renew her make-up. 

Nobody looked surprised or upset when she came back to the table. “A colleague needed to talk to me about a case,” she explained her long absence but nobody seemed to mind. Obviously Peter and the Mitchells had enjoyed themselves without her, and Peter stood up from the table only reluctantly when Alicia told him that it was high time they get to bed. 

Alicia had hoped that the three glasses of wine would help her to fall asleep quickly, but too much was going on in her head. Did Kalinda really know what she was asking for? Would she be able to keep her promise? And was she, Alicia, ready for a relationship with a woman? Not to mention a woman who was admired and desired everywhere she went? And what had Kalinda really suggested? What was her idea of ‘being with somebody’? She hadn’t even called it a relationship, so what was she expecting? 

Alicia turned around and looked at Peter, who was sleeping fitfully beside her. By no means did she want to treat him like he had treated her. She wouldn’t cheat. But that would mean that she had to tell him the truth. She had to talk to him before Kalinda arrived, and for a second Alicia considered cancelling her visit. It was all too complicated, and Alicia knew how much he needed to avoid any kind of stress beyond the campaign issues. But on the other hand, she needed Kalinda to come. Even if they would see each other only for an hour, it would give her the energy back that she so urgently needed. Ten long days were still ahead of her and she didn’t know how to go through with it if she didn’t see Kalinda. Everything was revolving about Peter here, Alicia was doing the campaign tour only for him and for Illinois, and it was time to think of herself again. 

Peter’s world would collapse, Alicia was sure of it. And it was her own fault, because she had let him believe that there was still a chance for them and that it was only a question of time until they would live like a married couple again. It was deliberate that she hadn’t closed this backdoor, because she too had held on to a little speck of hope that their marriage would work again one day. If she told Peter now that she had fallen in love with somebody else, it would be the final blow for their marriage. 

Was she on the way to becoming like her mother? Her mother, who had always put herself first and never cared about what she was doing to her family and children? Alicia had been eight years old when she had decided to never get divorced in her life. And now? Her life had become a conglomeration of compromises and she hadn’t felt truly happy for a long time. But after all, it was her life and she didn’t want to be a victim of her choices. 

If she decided to leave Peter it would be forever this time. There was no going back and maybe in the end she would be alone. Did she really want to risk that? And all that for a person with a relationship phobia who might change her mind and leave her within the next two weeks?

Yes. She wanted it. And she would. Deep in her heart, she had already decided. She would spend some more sleepless nights, and she would need to think it through over and over, and she would certainly shed a lot of tears. But it was decided. Wherever it may lead them.


	17. Part 17 - Squaring the Circle

Alicia was awoken by Peter entering the bathroom of their hotel room, but she immediately closed her eyes again when a glance at the alarm clock told her she hadn’t slept for more than four hours. Although she had gone straight to bed as soon as they had arrived at their hotel room, Alicia had lain awake for hours. A thousand questions had been keeping her from falling asleep, questions that threatened to destroy everything she had built up over the last twenty years: her marriage, her family, her life, and her idea of who she was and who she wanted to be. Would she be able to turn her back on the life she had built and start anew completely? A life in secret, a life with a woman, a life with a person who obviously didn’t have the slightest experience with being in a relationship, or with raising kids, or with committing herself to anyone or anything. And even if Leela Tahiri had lived a different life (which was difficult for Alicia to imagine) Kalinda Sharma had her reasons why she had chosen a life like this. 

What if Kalinda had changed her mind by now? Things usually looked different in the daylight and even more so in a sober condition. But even if Kalinda still wanted to be with her, it could only be a question of time until she would realize that she just wasn’t the type for a relationship -- whatever a relationship was for Kalinda. They had never talked about that. 

Alicia’s expression took on a worried look as she heard Peter singing in the shower. The idea of telling him the truth made her throat feel dry. She was afraid of his anger and his accusations, and even more of his disappointment and her own sympathy for him. They needed to work well together, especially here on the campaign tour, but also at home in Chicago. What would he do if she left him in a huge pile of shards? 

Alicia turned onto the other side when she heard Peter whistling the Moonlight Serenade in the bathroom and reached for her cellphone on the night stand. _Are you awake?”_ she typed into her phone. 

The response came straight away: _Yes. Missing me?_

Alicia shook her head, relieved and pressed the response button. Kalinda’s hangover couldn’t be all that bad if she was still able to flirt. Quickly, Alicia typed the question she had been thinking about all night: _Do you still mean what you said yesterday?_

Again, the response came only seconds later. _You worry too much, Alicia._

Alicia pressed her lips together without turning her gaze from her cellphone’s display. Over and over her eyes followed the letters and every time her brain came to the same conclusion: It was real. Kalinda didn’t intend on taking anything back from what she had said last night. She had taken the leap and now it was Alicia’s turn to do the same. She texted Kalinda that she would call her in the afternoon and had just sent the message when Peter stepped out of the bathroom. 

“Morning, Alicia.” He went over to the closet to get a suitable tie. “Did you sleep well?”

“Not enough,” she said, yawning. “How ‘bout the one with the blue stripes?”

“Could work.” Peter took the blue-striped tie out of the closet and held it up next to the yellow-striped one which he had hung over his left arm. “Which one’s better?”

“The blue one.”

“Good.” He put the yellow tie back into the closet and threw the blue one next to his white shirt on the bed. “What are you going to wear today?”

“The grey suit for the morning appointments, and the V-necked navy-blue dress in the afternoon.” Alicia wished Peter would start to dress himself -- by no means was she planning to have this conversation while he was standing there in his underwear.

“I’m done in the bathroom,” he said and sat down on the bed to put his pants on. “Don’t you want to get in? We’re meeting Eli in the lobby at 9:00 A.M.”

“I need to talk to you about something first.” Alicia’s heart started pounding in her chest, but she needed to do this. She had to take a jump into the deep end, and could only hope that she would be able to keep herself above water. “Do you have a minute?”

“No problem.” Peter put on the rest of his clothes and went to the mirror to tie his tie. “Is it about the radio interview? I’ve already told Eli that we need to talk to him before we’re on air.”

“No, it’s not about the campaign.” To Alicia’s relief Peter wasn’t looking at her because he was busy with his tie. “It’s about…me.”

Now Peter turned towards her and looked at her, concerned. “About you?”

“Yes.” Alicia folded her hands, nervously, while searching for the right words. “We’re on good terms again, Peter,” she said, and had to try hard not to avoid his worried look. “Finally we are, and I don’t want to lose that again.”

“Me neither.” He smiled but she noticed the underlying insecurity. “Is there any danger of that happening?”

“Maybe.”

“What’s up, Alicia?” Peter tugged on the knot of his tie impatiently. “Is something wrong?” 

Alicia lowered her head and looked down at the floral blanket. “I really tried, Peter, I really did. But I can’t ignore the fact that too much has happened.” She straightened her back. “I want us to keep living our separate lives.”

He stared at her with crossed arms and obviously had no idea what she was talking about. “I’ve never demanded that you have to move in with me…” he started, but she interrupted him.

“I won’t come back, Peter.” 

There. 

She had said it. 

“What are you talking about?” he asked, confused. “All we need is time. You’ve always told me you needed time.”

“I met somebody.”

That hit home. 

He ran his fingers through his hair, not saying anything. She hated it when he was silent like this. “I’m sorry,” she added.

“Is it something serious?”

Alicia hesitated. “Maybe,” she said cautiously.

“Who is it?”

“It’s somebody from work.”

“Will?”

“No. Not Will.”

Peter moved abruptly towards her bed and for a second she had the impulse to flee, but she knew he wouldn’t hurt her. “Who is it?” he repeated with a wavering voice.

“I won’t tell you that, Peter. Not yet.” She looked at him firmly. “You almost ruined Will’s life when you heard about him and me, and you allowed your actions to cause harm to my firm. I won’t take that risk again.”

“I’m your husband,” he said, toneless. “It’s my right to know.” His face had reddened and he looked so shocked that Alicia felt the impulse to take him into her arms, but she couldn’t give in now.

“Are you even listening to yourself?” she asked him harshly. “I’m not the one who cheated in this marriage. Did you ever tell me with whom you had hooked up? I’m trying to be honest with you.”

“And why did you find it necessary to tell me this today of all days?” he asked incisively. “Couldn’t you wait with this until the end of the tour?”

“I’m seeing this person tomorrow.” Alicia was surprised how clear and calm she sounded, but the angrier he became the more composed she was. “That’s why I’m telling you this now.”

“Oh, the phone talk last night! That’s why you were away so long.” He touched his forehead. “And I trusted you that it was work-related.”

“Stop talking about trust, Peter,” she said warningly. 

“Give me your cellphone.” His eyes scanned the room for her BlackBerry and Alicia inconspicuously pushed her phone further under her blanket. “Who is it?”

“You’re angry, Peter. I understand that. But don’t act like I owe you anything.” Alicia’s heart beat faster as she noticed the swollen vein at his temple. She had only seen that three or four times in their marriage and it had only happened when he had been really upset. 

“You know that it’s easy for me to find out who you’re meeting tomorrow.”

“Yes, I know, and I’m asking you not to spy on me.”

He went towards the door with quick steps. “I need some air.” 

Alicia winced as the door shut behind him. This was it: the final blow. After more than twenty years of marriage. What kind of selfish person was she? What was she supposed to tell her kids? 

Alicia left the bed and took a long shower to push the self-reproaches in her head aside. She had had to make a decision, it had been inevitable. For years she hadn’t been happy in this marriage, even before Peter’s affairs, and it was high time to do something about it. The kids were almost adults now and they had grown used to the separation for more than four years, so it wouldn’t be that much of a shock for them. 

Peter didn’t even look up from his newspaper when Alicia joined him at the breakfast table and she considered it best to leave him in peace. He needed time to compose himself and Alicia knew that he would have calmed down by their appointment at 11:00 A.M. He wasn’t keen on letting the public notice any disagreements between them, so Alicia wasn’t surprised at all when she saw Peter looking at her over the top of the newspaper eventually. “Let’s talk about this later, okay?” he said. “We have a demanding day ahead of us.”

“Sure,” Alicia nodded. He needed her and she wouldn’t disappoint him. 

“Why didn’t you tell me what’s going on?” he asked, as though he hadn’t just suggested to drop the topic. “You gave me the impression that everything was fine.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Peter.” Alicia shook her head. “Like you, I was hoping that there would still be a way…”

“Why don’t you give me a chance?” he whispered. “You told me that we were doing well, didn’t you? You can’t throw all these years away all of sudden.”

“I wasn’t the one who threw all those years away,” she responded quietly but with a firm voice. “I tried to give us another chance, I really did. But it’s not working.”

“And what about the campaign?”

“Don’t worry. I’m still the wife at your side.”

He laughed bitterly. “I want to see the guy who would be okay with you still standing by your husband.”

“Just trust me on this.” Alicia rose from the table. Immediately, he got up too and offered her his arm. She accepted it and they walked peaceably through the room towards the lobby where Eli was already expecting them -- Peter and Alicia Florrick, the flagship couple that had gotten through a severe marriage crisis and was now, after overcoming the wounds, prepared to hold the highest office of the State. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

The tension between Alicia and Peter didn’t subside all day, although they made sure that nobody noticed it. Not even Eli perceived the icy coldness underneath Peter’s professional façade and Alicia was relieved to be surrounded by people all the time. But as soon as the curtain fell and they were back in their hotel room she was confronted with Peter’s silent reproaches again.

It was one of the reasons why Alicia went to bed early that night, but her hope of quickly falling asleep was smothered as soon as Peter joined her and the tension between them kept her wide awake -- that and the idea of Kalinda arriving in Naperville the next morning. Alicia felt nervous like a fourteen year old before her first date, and in a way it was indeed her first date with Kalinda, or at least something similar to that -- her full schedule wouldn’t allow them more than a quick lunch together. What would it be like to see her again? Would they get the chance to really talk? Everything felt so unreal that sometimes Alicia was afraid she had only imagined the whole phone call. 

The birds already started chirping outside when Alicia finally fell asleep, and at 6.30 AM she wished she could just ignore the alarm clock. The day was crammed full with appointments and before 10:30 A.M. Alicia and Peter had completed the first two and were heading to a debate. If everything had gone smoothly, Kalinda had arrived in Naperville by now, but Alicia didn’t have the chance to check her cellphone. 

Eli, who sat next to Alicia in the audience and didn’t have to hang on Peter’s every word, was constantly sending text messages back and forth with some people from their team. “Your 3:00 P.M. appointment has been cancelled,” he whispered to her. “You’ll accompany Peter to the _Daily Herald_ interview instead.”

Alicia shook her head imperceptibly and whispered back that she needed some time on her own in the afternoon. Of course Eli objected, but when she insisted he gave up trying to persuade her.

After the first half of the event, Alicia was finally able to check her cellphone and was relieved to read that Kalinda had made it safely to Naperville. She quickly responded that they would meet at 1:30 P.M. at the _Catch Thirty-Five_ , Washington Street 35. Alicia didn’t have time to wait for Kalinda’s response because Peter needed her at his side. He was talking to some people in the audience and had been looking for her several times already. 

The second part of the debate passed a lot quicker than the first one as Alicia got more nervous every minute. She was downright afraid of it being the moment for the host’s closing remarks and almost relieved that he overran his time. But eventually, the last applause filled the hall and Alicia had to hurry to be at the _Catch Thirty-Five_ in time. 

Peter and Alicia both had strict orders not to be without their bodyguards at any time of the campaign tour, so Alicia was accompanied by two bodyguards when her chauffeur drove her to her lunch appointment. She asked him to drop her off at the corner of the Washington Street so that she wouldn’t stop right in front the restaurant. Accompanied by Frank and Patrick, Alicia entered the _Catch Thirty-Five_ and both bodyguards sat down at a table on the opposite side of the room to give her some privacy. 

Nonetheless, Alicia felt like she was in a gold fish bowl, particularly as some diners turned their heads towards her, whispering comments she couldn’t hear. However, there was no way to get more privacy than this these days and fortunately Kalinda would be attuned to that. Alicia spied her at one of the tables near the window where she was studying the menu, legs crossed casually. Two big files lay in front of her on the table, right beside them her cellphone and her orange notebook. She looked up when Alicia approached her and nodded at her with a reserved expression. For a brief moment, Alicia was convinced that the phone call two days ago had just happened in her head, but when she arrived at the table Kalinda gave her a slight smile that made her knees turn to jelly. 

“You look pretty busy.” Alicia pointed at the files. “Are you sure you have time for me?”

Kalinda laughed quietly. “This is supposed to look like a work meeting, isn’t it?” She picked up one of the files. “This, for instance, contains the last three editions of _Vanity Fair_. I read them on the plane. One of them has a nice interview with you, by the way.”

Alicia shook her head reaching for the other file. “And what’s this? The last three editions of _Cosmopolitan_?” she asked curiously, but Kalinda took the file from her. 

“This actually is work, and you shouldn’t bother with that right now.”

“You took some work with you?”

“I have to keep myself occupied while you’re taking care of Illinois’ destiny.” Kalinda pushed the two files away and Alicia found it incredibly difficult to turn her eyes away from her. She was wearing her indigo blue blouse that Alicia liked so much and a black skirt with a wide belt. 

“How is it going at home?” Alicia reached for the menu to keep herself from staring at Kalinda. 

“The usual. Will has reeled in a pretty big fish, and Diane is worried that the ‘fish’ is involved with extensive criminal activities.” Kalinda turned her attention to the menu too. 

“And your job is to find out if he is,” Alicia stated with a smile.

“Yes.”

“And?”

“It’s not completely legal what the guy’s doing, but he’s not a criminal.” Kalinda lingered at the page with the fish dishes. “It’s a question of perspective. Will is trivializing it and Diane is dramatizing it.”

Alicia nodded, sympathetic. “And you’re standing right between them.”

“I’m always standing in between something. It’s part of my job.” Kalinda waved at the waitress as she noticed that Alicia had decided on her meal. “How’s the campaign tour going?” she turned back to Alicia. “You look tired.”

“I’m counting the days, to be honest. I just want the whole thing to be over.”

“That bad?”

“It’s like an endless theatre performance,” Alicia sighed. “Smiling, always smiling, reciting your text, and going on -- almost twenty-four-seven. And none of this has anything to do with me.”

“You’re only doing this for Peter?”

“In the first place, yes. And I don’t want Mike Kresteva to be Illinois’ next Governor.”

“So it doesn’t appeal to you at all to become the First Lady of Illinois?” Kalinda went quiet as the waitress came to their table to get their order. They discussed several variations of baked seafood until the waitress wrote down the ordered meals and left their table again. 

“It’s not that it doesn’t mean anything to me,” Alicia confessed once they were alone again. “But the idea that all this is taking over my life feels terrible. It took me long enough to find out how I want to live it.”

“And how do you want to live it?”

“It’s okay the way it is now. I like my apartment, my job, my independence…”

“Maybe you don’t need to give that up.”

“I really do hope so.” Alicia played with the small salt cellar on the table and tried to ignore that it was Kalinda she was talking to. For some reason it was so much more difficult than she had expected to sit here with her, and not be able to do what she wanted to: take her hand and tell her how much she had missed her, and how happy she was that she had actually come to Naperville. It unsettled her more than she wanted to admit that Kalinda was sitting here so normally, with absolutely no implication of what they had talked about two days ago. 

The waitress interrupted Alicia’s thoughts when she brought the beverages. “An orange juice, and a water,” she said and put down the glasses in front of them. She was already heading for the next table as Alicia noticed that she had mixed up their glasses. Without comment, Alicia took her orange juice and pushed the glass of water over to Kalinda, who accepted it silently. For a brief, fleeting moment their fingers touched only ever so slightly, but Alicia felt her whole body tingling under Kalinda’s fingertips. Kalinda on the other hand drank her water as though nothing had happened. “Are you really okay with this location?” Alicia asked cautiously. 

“Why not? I know you don’t have much time.”

“I wish things were different though.”

“It’s okay, Alicia. I told you that I just wanted to see you.”

Kalinda took another sip of her water and for the first time since they had been sitting here, Alicia allowed herself to look at her more extensively. She studied the pretty face that she had missed so much in the last weeks, the dark eyes, the tanned skin, and the curved lips that had -- a million years ago -- touched hers. The slender hands that knew every single part of her body, and the small, sensitive spots hidden under the clothes -- Alicia knew exactly where they were and how they would react to her touch. The thought caused a wave of arousal running through her body and she averted her gaze from Kalinda to push it away. 

“Are you possibly trying to demonstrate that this is not just about sex for you?” she asked, so quietly that Kalinda had to lean forward to understand her.

“Is it working?”

“Yes. Perfectly.” Alicia leaned back in her chair again, shaking her head. She felt incredibly relieved and all at once her nervousness was gone. So Kalinda was trying to make up for her behavior after their night together. “I feel completely undesired,” she informed Kalinda, suppressing a smile. “But you don’t need to do that. I know you wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

“You think so?” For a quick moment something flashed in Kalinda’s eyes that made Alicia’s body flush with heat. In order to hide her blushing, Alicia opened one of Kalinda’s files and dived into it. 

“I was afraid you had told me the truth, when you said you only wanted to see me,” she said while her eyes were skimming over a witness statement. 

“But I did,” Kalinda objected. “I know how busy you are here and that’s fine with me.” She paused and continued in a completely different voice. “But I’m open for…everything else.”

“Like what?” Alicia was surprised at her own boldness -- they were sitting in a public restaurant after all, and she was sure that some guests were watching them. 

Kalinda bent over Alicia’s file and acted as though she was looking for something on the page. “Like there’s a nice, deserted place in the restroom area of this restaurant.”

“I am not going into the restroom with you, young lady. That’s trashy.” Alicia turned to the next page of the file.

“It’s a very pretty and comfortable restroom. I’ve already taken a look.”

“Don’t you have any other suggestions?”

“Well, a nice walk through the snow of Naperville?” Kalinda wrote down some notes on the page’s margin that actually seemed to refer to the case she was working on. “I know how to get rid of bodyguards and Frank will be distracted anyway when we pass a sports store.”

“Frank?” Alicia abruptly closed the file and looked at Kalinda, horrified. “You know my bodyguards?”

“Just Frank. He worked for the police several years ago.” Kalinda frowned. “Why? Is that a problem?”

“Possibly.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the waitress again. This time she brought the baked seafood and they had to wait until she had put down their meals and disappeared again. “What you do mean, possibly?” Kalinda picked up Alicia’s words.

“Did he recognize you?” Alicia took a first bite of her delicious meal. 

“Of course he did.” Kalinda shrugged. “We’ve said ‘hi’ already.”

“You and Frank? When?” Instinctively, Alicia looked over to the table where the bodyguards were eating their lunch. It would always be a miracle to her how people like Frank or Kalinda could greet each other without the rest of the world noticing. 

“Why is it a problem?” Kalinda probed. “We’re just having lunch together and we’re colleagues.”

“Because I told Peter about our appointment.”

“So what? We’re having a work meeting. I told Will the same.”

Alicia shook her head. “I told Peter I’m meeting somebody who means something to me. He knows that it’s not a work appointment.”

Kalinda let her cutlery sink. “You told him that? Really?” She spoke in a neutral voice but Alicia noticed that she was shocked.

“What’s wrong?” Alicia asked, concerned. “I couldn’t deceive him…”

“But…” Kalinda interrupted herself and continued in a quieter voice. “You told me you need time…”

“Yes, I do.” Not for the first time today, Alicia cursed all the people around them. They forced her to look completely unaffected when she met Kalinda’s eyes. “I couldn’t just wait to see what would happen and then tell him. I want this and he needed to know.”

Kalinda nodded and looked at her plate. “You have more faith in me than I do,” she said quietly.

“That’s not very difficult.” It was almost painful to see how vulnerable Kalinda looked all of a sudden. “Hey...”Alicia whispered. “You asked me to try something. That’s all.”

Kalinda nodded again, and Alicia realized that she couldn’t end this meeting without having touched her at least once. Not without having had chance to show her that everything was okay. 

“How much time do you have?” Kalinda asked suddenly.

“I need to be at a radio station at 6:00 P.M.”

“And you don’t have to be anywhere until then?”

“No. My afternoon appointment was cancelled.”

“Then let’s drive back to your hotel.”

Alicia’s heart started to beat so strongly that she feared everybody in the restaurant could hear it. “I don’t know…” she said hesitantly.

“You need more time,” Kalinda stated. “That’s alright.”

“No, that’s not it.” Alicia shook her head. No, she rather felt that something would get broken very soon if she couldn’t finally get close to Kalinda. “I just don’t want to be seen with you at the hotel.”

“Because of Peter?”

“Yes.” Alicia folded her napkin into small pieces without realizing it. Eventually she pushed the neatly folded piece under her fork. “I didn’t tell him whom I was meeting, but he knows that it’s somebody from work. Remember how he reacted when he found out about Will and me? Will almost lost his license as a lawyer.” 

“I know.” Kalinda’s eyes wandered over to the table where the two bodyguards were sitting. “I’m gonna talk to Frank and make sure that they won’t give any information away. Is Peter at the _Fairfield Inn_ right now?”

“No, he’s giving an interview for the _Daily Herald_ and won’t be back before 5:00 P.M.”

“Do you have a chauffeur waiting nearby?”

“No, I told him to drive back to the hotel.”

“Okay, then let’s take my rental car. I’ll drop you off at your hotel, together with your bodyguards,” Kalinda decided. “I’ll follow ten minutes later, and you’ll knock at my room another ten minutes later. It’s No. 305.”

Alicia felt a bit dizzied by Kalinda’s pace, but she was glad that she was taking the initiative. While Alicia paid the bill, Kalinda went to the bodyguards and started talking to them. The two men had chosen a table from where they could keep an eye on Alicia so she was able to watch Kalinda getting a chair from the neighboring table and sitting down next to Frank and Patrick. Frank’s posture clearly showed that he was trying to impress Kalinda, and Alicia was overcome by a strange feeling of satisfaction as she witnessed Frank showing off. His wooing would be futile, because Kalinda had other plans today. 

It still felt like a dream that this strongly-desired bee, who normally flew from one blossom to the next, had suddenly decided to linger at one place, and that she of all people would be that place. She, Alicia Florrick, a woman in her mid-forties with a failed marriage behind her, mother of two adolescent children, daughter of one of the most decent families in Chicago. If she thought about it too much, she wouldn’t believe it anymore. 

The talk didn’t last longer than five minutes and Kalinda looked very pleased when she returned to their table. “They’ll tell Peter that you had a work meeting with several people from Lockhart & Gardner.”

“Did Peter tell them to check who I would meet?”

“Yes, and he told them to also check the guest list at the hotel, but don’t worry. They won’t tell him anything.”

Alicia sighed and put her purse back into her handbag. That wasn’t fair of Peter, but she could understand him. “What makes you so sure that Frank and Patrick will be more loyal to you than to their boss?” 

“It’s taken care of,” Kalinda responded briefly. 

Alicia thought about pushing a little further but decided against it. She needed to trust Kalinda, otherwise their attempt was doomed to failure before it began.

“I told them the four of us would drive back to the hotel now,” Kalinda explained. “And that you and I would continue to work on a case later because it’s too noisy to do it here.”

Alicia nodded hesitantly. She didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of lying so blatantly and she wondered if this was how her life would feel from now on -- a life with even more secrets and lies than before. 

“You didn’t lie to Peter.” Kalinda seemed to guess at her thoughts. “That’s the most important thing. And if it makes you feel any better, we can talk about one or two cases too.” 

“No, it’s alright.” Alicia tried a reassuring smile, without much success. Her nervousness was back in full force and she quickly reached for her coat to follow Frank and Patrick out of the restaurant. Only a few minutes ago she couldn’t wait to leave this place but now it really sank in what she was doing. She hadn’t expected Kalinda to go this far and even less that she would agree to Kalinda’s plans. Hadn’t she asked Kalinda for more time just two days ago? Then why had she agreed to going to her hotel room? 

Maybe because there was this part inside of her that _had_ to be with Kalinda, that couldn’t wait any longer, and that would have followed Kalinda to the ladies restroom right away, no matter how trashy it might have been, just to be alone with her. But then there was this other part of her that was scared to death; that wanted to turn around immediately and not get into Kalinda’s car. And because both parts of her were equally unreasonable Alicia tried to ignore them both and sat down in the passenger seat while Frank and Patrick got in behind her. 

Kalinda seemed to notice Alicia’s nervousness and chatted with Frank and Patrick all the way to their hotel, and Alicia was grateful for Kalinda’s ability to make small talk in the most impossible situations. Not even before their first night together had Alicia been this nervous. Back then, she hadn’t known what was coming, but now she knew exactly what to expect and she was afraid that her dreams would burst like a huge bubble. The first time they had had nothing to lose; now they could lose everything. Or at least that’s how it felt, because there was no going back. Alicia’s marriage lay in ruins, for certain this time, and her life had changed forever. But why should Kalinda give up her freedom for a woman that didn’t have anything in common with the pretty people she usually surrounded herself with? Maybe she would realize all too soon that this was a huge mistake. 

Alicia, on the other hand, had learned a bitter lesson over the last weeks about how deeply she was involved already. She couldn’t say when it was that she had started falling in love with Kalinda, but she knew that she had. She loved this proud, upright person who was so anxious to control everything around her, and who made everything look like a game although underneath it all it was deadly serious for her. She loved the fragility under the tough surface, the warmth that arose when Kalinda felt safe, and the passion that bubbled under the cool façade. She loved the loyalty, the strength, and the skillfully-hidden care for people who meant something to Kalinda. She loved her keen perception, her precision, and the grace with which she walked through life. 

Not many people were able to resist Kalinda’s charm and even less her exotic beauty, but this wasn’t what drew Alicia to her in the first place. It was this guarded being who allowed so few people to see her inner self and who was now, for whatever reason, showing Alicia this deep trust. And here she was, sitting on the passenger seat, and her eyes were involuntarily following Kalinda’s practiced moves. Was it possible to get aroused by the way a hand moved over the steering wheel? Maybe she was about to finally lose her mind, but Alicia couldn’t tear her eyes away from the small hands that knew exactly what they were doing to get them safely to the hotel.

“I’ll drop you all off in front of the _Fairfield Inn_ and park the car,” Kalinda explained when she turned into Abriter Court where their hotel was. “Don’t wait for me.”

Alicia had weak knees as she got out of the car, but fortunately she was quick-thinking enough to ask Kalinda for the two large files which she would need later on her way to Kalinda’s room. “I’ll get changed first,” Alicia informed her and quickly shut the car door, before Kalinda’s knowing-look could make her blush. 

Framed by Frank and Patrick, Alicia entered the hotel and told them she and Peter would meet them again at 5:30 P.M. to drive to the radio station. As soon as Alicia was alone in her hotel room, she decided to take a hot shower which would hopefully wash away her irritating nervousness. 

Luckily, her plan worked and Alicia felt a lot calmer when she knocked at Kalinda’s door, her hair still damp, only fifteen minutes later. However, the feeling that her knees would give in any moment returned as soon as Kalinda opened the door and let her in. To Alicia’s relief, the room looked quite different from hers and it seemed completely unused so far, except for the bedspread which Kalinda had already removed. “I can’t believe how nervous I am,” Alicia murmured as she sat down on the bed. 

“I am too.” Kalinda went to her, took off her boots and kneeled down in front of the bed. And then she did something so unexpected that Alicia stopped breathing: she laid her head in Alicia’s lap.

And before she knew what was happening Alicia was running her fingers through the silky dark hair, slowly and delicately, as if too much pressure would break the magic of the moment. And with every tender stroke her fingers shivered a little less and her fear subsided, like a troubled ocean that finally calmed down bit by bit. Her fingertips slid over Kalinda’s neck ever so slowly, caressed her cheek and forehead, until they raised the chin so that Alicia could bend down and kiss the velvet lips. Kalinda moaned quietly under the kiss and Alicia pulled her up onto her lap. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she whispered. “Thank you for coming.”

“Let’s talk later,” Kalinda whispered against her lips, and her tongue asked so beguilingly to be let in that Alicia granted it immediately. Kalinda’s lips felt even softer than Alicia remembered, and kiss by kiss they made her forget everything outside this room. In every cell of her body she could feel Kalinda, and at some point Alicia just turned off her mind and let go and became only mouth, skin, lips, and tongue, and in her world there was only Kalinda. 

Kalinda’s hands had found Alicia’s bra long ago and her thighs pressed against Alicia’s while her skillful fingers touched the sensitive skin. “I need to lie down,” Alicia gasped out and Kalinda slid down from Alicia to the floor. With slow moves, she slipped the bothersome skirt from Alicia’s legs, who caught her breath when she realized where this was going. “I’m not done with you yet…” Alicia tried to object while her nylons and panties followed the skirt on the floor, but it didn’t sound very convincing. 

“Later,” Kalinda murmured before her lips touched Alicia’s most intimate parts and Alicia’s upper body fell back heavily onto the mattress. Obviously Kalinda didn’t intend to make it easy for her; she teased and played and prolonged the bliss until Alicia felt like bursting into a million pieces if Kalinda didn’t give her immediate release. “Quiet, honey, quiet,” Kalinda whispered while she was riding out the waves with her. “We don’t want to get the neighbor’s attention, do we?”

Alicia wasn’t quite back on earth yet which was why it took Kalinda’s words a while to sink in to her clouded consciousness. The quickened beating of her heart told Alicia that she hadn’t misheard but she knew better than commenting on it. Instead she pulled Kalinda up again and kissed her heated forehead. “Come here,” she whispered and started to unbutton Kalinda’s blouse. “You’re still wearing too much stuff.” In less than a minute their clothes landed on the floor and Alicia started her revenge. She felt a strange hunger to reconquer inch by inch what had seemed lost forever not long ago and she wouldn’t ease up on her until it was accomplished.

At some point -- Alicia had lost every sense of time long ago -- Kalinda turned onto her stomach and asked Alicia to lie down on her. Alicia didn’t know what Kalinda was up to but she obeyed her wish and cautiously laid her body onto Kalinda’s. Only little by little did she dare to let her full weight sink onto her, but when she realized Kalinda was fine she started to relax and it felt wonderful to lie with her so completely skin to skin. Like a cocoon, her body enclosed Kalinda’s and it gave her the feeling that she could block out the world from her, even if just for a moment, and with a comforting gesture she spread her arms and laid her face next to Kalinda’s so that their cheeks touched. “Like this?” she asked and kissed her shoulder.

“Yes.”

If there had still been the last bit of a doubt, somewhere in a hidden part of her soul, that she loved this person, it was scattered into the four winds at this very moment. It was an overwhelming, almost painful feeling and Alicia didn’t know how to express it. So she stayed silent and lingered and hoped that it was okay. Kalinda didn’t say anything either; she just lay there, eyes closed, but Alicia noticed a slight, almost imperceptible smile on her face. This was all Alicia needed to know, and as far as she was concerned, they could stay like this forever. 

After a long while, Kalinda’s body started to move again and Alicia let her right hand slide down Kalinda’s back to her hip without changing her position. When Kalinda slightly pulled up her thigh, Alicia knew it was to make space for her hand and her fingertips traced the path to Kalinda’s navel and from there further down to her center. Ever so slowly, she increased the pace of her movements and witnessed the rising tension in Kalinda’s body and how it grew into a hot, smoldering desire in a fragment of time. But only when Alicia felt that Kalinda couldn’t bear it any longer did she yield to her need, and Kalinda shuddered underneath her with a force that almost frightened Alicia. 

“Hey…” Alicia kissed her heated temple. “Did I wait too long?”

Kalinda didn’t respond, but turned around and looked at Alicia as if though she was seeing her for the very first time. “You’re gonna pay for that,” she said in a husky voice and Alicia thought that she had never looked more beautiful.

“Kalinda…” she said quietly. “I…” 

No, she couldn’t tell her. Kalinda suddenly became stock still in her arms and for a second Alicia was afraid she would get up and leave, like the last time. It was too soon and they had to take one step at a time. “Did you get drunk on purpose so that you could ask me to get involved with you?” Alicia changed the topic and exhaled when she felt Kalinda relaxing in her arms. 

“I didn’t ask you to get involved with me. I asked if you would try something with me.” 

“Yes, right.” Alicia knew that they were walking in a minefield here and unfortunately she was an expert in avoiding difficult topics -- even more so than Kalinda. She had missed out on talking to Peter, she had missed out on talking to Will, and she didn’t want to make the same mistake a third time. Their “trial”, as Kalinda called it, wouldn’t even survive spring if they didn’t take responsibility now. “There are a few things we need to talk about…” she started cautiously. “… to avoid misunderstandings.”

Kalinda looked at her attentively. “What things?”

“That I’m a single mother, for instance.” Alicia wrapped a strand of Kalinda’s hair around her finger. “I don’t ever want to neglect Zach and Grace.”

“I know how much you care about your kids, Alicia…”

“I will tell them that I’m seeing somebody,” Alicia continued. “But I won’t let them know that it’s you before I have talked to Peter. I can’t put them in that position. I can’t tell anybody, Kalinda. Not my family, not anybody at work, especially not now. I promised Peter to stay at his side, and I will keep that promise.”

Kalinda gently smoothed down the furrows on Alicia’s forehead with her index finger. “Don’t worry about it.”

“And there’s something else…” Alicia breathed in deeply. “I need to be able to trust you, Kalinda. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to change anything for me. But don’t cheat on me. If it’s over, then tell me straight to my face. Don’t cheat on me.”

“Yes, I got that.” Kalinda sealed her promise with a kiss. “Anything else?”

“I... don’t think so.” Alicia hadn’t expected Kalinda to accept her conditions without further ado, but she had probably thought everything through already, before she had even called her the other night in Springfield. She was Kalinda Sharma after all, who never did anything without visualizing the consequences first. “And you, Kalinda?” she asked. “What do you need?”

Kalinda rolled onto her back and it was obvious that she didn’t like talking about this at all. For a while, she stared at the ceiling and Alicia was sure she had completely ruined the mood when Kalinda started talking. “Don’t comment on my life,” she said and turned her face to Alicia. “Because I chose it this way. And I need you to accept that there are things that I will never tell you. And don’t try to hold me back if I decide to leave.”

“Of course.” Alicia took Kalinda’s face in both hands and kissed her lips. “I know that.”

Kalinda nodded, not quite satisfied. “Don’t try to talk about the future with me and don’t ever try to domesticate me. If I can’t keep my freedom, I’m gone.”

“Your list is even longer than mine,” Alicia smiled. “But I’ll do my best. I promise.”

“So we have a deal?”

“I think so.” Alicia wasn’t very happy with the word _deal_ , but if it made Kalinda feel better, she was fine with it. “How much time do we have left?” she asked, too lazy to look at the alarm clock. 

“About an hour.”

“Enough time to seal a deal and…”

“From now on you have a gag order,” Kalinda whispered and switched from words to actions. 

Before Alicia could say anything, she felt Kalinda’s hands sliding tentatively into hers while her lips dug into the crook of her neck at the same time. Why did everything Kalinda was doing feel so wonderful? Already, Alicia felt forever spoiled for anybody else. Their way would be bumpy at times, and communication would always be a problem. Maybe they would realize that they couldn’t make this work, maybe they would realize that they were too different for what they wanted. But maybe none of these things would happen and it would get easier over the course of time. Maybe Kalinda would help her to be able to trust again. And maybe Kalinda would lose her fears one day. Maybe they would be able to let each other be as they were, and let each other grow, and let grow what they had together. Both of them were willing to do this and that was a good start.

An hour wasn’t a lot of time, but if felt like they had all the time in the world. It wasn’t an end, it was a beginning. And it was intoxicating. For the very first time that Alicia had known Kalinda, she saw her completely and honestly happy. And to her surprise, Alicia realized that she was finally able to be happy again too. A hundred times she had them on the tip of her tongue, those words that she had nearly said to Kalinda. And in a hundred little gestures she felt what Kalinda wasn’t telling her. Not yet, but maybe soon.


	18. Part 18 - Squaring the Circle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Hi everybody,_   
>  _I have lots of ideas about what will happen to Alicia and Kalinda next, but there always comes a time when you have to let the characters go, so here it is, the last chapter of „Squaring the Circle“. I wrote this story during the TGW hiatus in the summer of 2012 and started translating it in December 2012, so the story has accompanied my life for almost a year now and it feels a bit like saying good-bye to a good friend._   
>  _I had to simplify the English translation of this story a little bit, especially when it came to Alicia’s “inner world”, because I sometimes had no idea how to express Alicia’s complex emotions and thoughts in English. But I hope you enjoyed the story nevertheless -- or at least you can give me “an E for effort”, to quote Judge Cuesta :)._   
>  _Writing is always a lonesome process and I can’t tell you how much it meant to me that there were people who read what I wrote and traveled with me. Thank you everybody for accompanying me on this trip! And thank you, **Sarah** and **schwarmerei1** , for beta reading my often weird translation and for your loyalty, reliability and endurance -- and for making a dream come true for me! I will always be grateful for that. And thank you to the great Kalicia community and to all the talented writers out there, like **threeguesses, lunchinanelevator, variousflumps, sweetjamielee, randomizer, schwarmerei1** and many others! You’ve given us so much joy with your wonderful stories! And last but not least, a thank you goes to **Archie Panjabi** and **Julianna Margulies** for bringing these fascinating two characters to life and for touching our hearts and souls. And thank you to the entire cast of The Good Wife for creating a show that really makes a difference._

_Four weeks later._

 

“No… No, I need to speak to Dr. Hawkins in person. I’m his law….” Alicia was cut off by the overeager clerk on the other side of the line putting her on hold again. She had no choice but to hang on until it was her turn again, and so she decided to put the imposed waiting time to good use and go through some documents on her desk while “America the beautiful” was ringing into her ear. One document after another landed, after she had signed it, in a thin black folder from where it would be filed into its permanent place afterwards. Alicia had always been a very organized person, which came as a big advantage in her job as an attorney.

After fifteen minutes, she was still on the line and reached for the next pile of documents with a sigh. It didn’t take long until this one was also done, and two tickets for a concert in the _House of Blues_ appeared at the bottom. At the sight of them, Alicia’s eyes wandered quickly across the hallway to the office where Kalinda was typing something into her laptop. For more than a week now, the tickets had been lying deserted on Alicia’s desk because she just hadn’t found the courage to give them to her. They had never done anything in public other than having dinner or sitting in a bar together, so Kalinda might possibly misinterpret the tickets as an attempt to constrict her, or even as a subtle way to “domesticate” her. 

Ever since Alicia had been back in Chicago, this word swayed above her head like the Sword of Damocles. Kalinda had made it clear that she would be up and away as soon as Alicia tried to impose a different life on her. But what exactly did Kalinda mean by “domesticate”? Did she sometimes go to the movies? Or to the theatre? Or to a concert? Would she appreciate a delicious dinner in Alicia’s apartment? Did she like long candle-lit nights? Would she enjoy a night spent on the sofa with chips and wine watching a moderately entertaining TV show? Kalinda didn’t even have a sofa to begin with, and Alicia doubted that she would find chips in her flat. So what did Kalinda do in the evenings when she wasn’t hunting for evidence? She couldn’t spend her time in bars or beds only, could she? 

Alicia frowned as she put the two tickets back onto her desk. Everything had gone fine so far and there hadn’t been any kind of conflict between them yet. But they hadn’t seen each other much since Alicia had gotten back and besides, they had carefully avoided any pitfalls. It wasn’t easy to coordinate their schedules, especially because Kalinda was used to working a lot at night and Alicia often had private obligations outside of work. So they hadn’t met more than one or two times a week, although Alicia secretly wished it was more often. 

The completely different circles they lived in made things even more complicated, and it seemed likely that socially, they would always remain distanced. The twilight world Kalinda usually frequented would always feel foreign to Alicia, and Kalinda didn’t want to deal much with the hypocritical world of politics and publicity that so often touched Alicia’s life. So they did well to shut out both of these worlds when they spent time together. 

They had dinner in restaurants neither of them usually went to, or they met in a bar and drove to Kalinda’s place afterwards. There they would proceed straight to the bedroom, but even if Kalinda had had an invitingly comfortable living room, it probably would have stayed unused. Sometimes it scared Alicia how much she felt physically drawn to Kalinda. She was a woman after all, and they had known each other for years without any disconcerting feelings on Alicia’s part. So where was all this coming from all of a sudden? And where had it been slumbering before? Of course, Alicia asked herself if this could have happened with a different woman as well, or if it was just Kalinda. She couldn’t answer these questions and usually pushed them away because they were fruitless and, in the end, led to nothing. 

Sometimes Alicia wondered why she, of all people, was having an affair with someone from her workplace for the second time in two years. Nobody had tried harder to be a good wife to their husband, in spite of everything, but for some reason her heart had chosen differently. Besides, the situation with Kalinda was a lot different from Alicia’s affair with Will. While with him, stolen kisses behind closed doors had been daily fare, Kalinda drew a strict line between work and time after work. Any kind of touching was taboo, and though this had confused Alicia in the beginning she noticed quickly how much it helped her to do her job at Lockhart & Gardner. Of course she couldn’t keep herself from being distracted from time to time -- how could she, when Kalinda was working right across the hallway? How could she, when she caught sight of the slender neck that she would kiss at night, and of the bun that she would loosen later on so that the black hair would fall down over the small, tanned back? And of course, Kalinda knew exactly what was going on in Alicia’s office, but she never turned around and never embarrassed Alicia.

Not a word, not a single look, not one gesture indicated that they were more than just colleagues, and Alicia was sure that they were able to successfully keep their secret from everybody in the firm -- except for Diane. “Will you fulfill the role of the First Lady of Illinois if Peter wins the election?” she had asked a few days ago and Alicia had supposed that she wanted to be sure if the firm could adorn itself with the governor’s wife. “Of course I will,” Alicia had responded. “But my work will always be my first priority.” 

Diane hadn’t been satisfied, however. “And if the political office demands that you need to give up your job?” she had probed and Alicia had known that her boss needed a clear statement. 

“I’d rather get a divorce than give up my job,” had been her unambiguous response. 

The statement brought her an appreciative smile and Alicia had assumed that with this their conversation was over, but Diane had risen from her chair and stepped towards her. “You are an amazing team when you’re not busy avoiding each other,” she had said and her eyes had wandered to the desk where Kalinda was working. “And the latter has been the case much too often over the last two years. So I hope that the truce between the two of you will last a while.” 

Alicia had just nodded at her words and had already been almost out of the door when Diane had added, “I don’t care what my employees do in their free time or who they date, as long as it doesn’t harm the firm. But I assume you’re aware of the fact that Lockhart & Gardner can’t afford to have another scandal.” 

Alicia had almost dropped the files in her hands, for Diane’s words had not only implied that she knew what was going on, but also that Alicia and Kalinda would both be fired if their relationship became public -- unless Alicia officially filed for divorce. She could rely on Diane’s discretion, Alicia was sure of that, but her boss’s priority was always the firm’s best interests. They were safe for the moment, but for how much longer?

Kalinda had just laughed when Alicia had told her about her talk with Diane. “Don’t worry so much, Alicia,” she had said and kissed her forehead. “If I was concerned about everything that could possibly happen at Lockhart & Gardner I wouldn’t sleep at night.” And then she had taken care that Alicia indeed didn’t sleep that night, but for different reasons. 

The physical relationship between her and Kalinda still felt like a miracle for Alicia. Compared to her old self, at least that’s how it felt, she had discovered herself completely anew, and she wasn’t sure whether it had to do with this being with a woman or just because it was Kalinda. Sometimes Alicia found herself in regions of emotion she had never reached before, and the more she and Kalinda got to know each other the more curious Alicia became. It was like a rush, like a drug, and it was good that she relished it only in small doses, because it had the potential to turn her life completely upside down. 

Looking from the outside it would have seemed as though things couldn’t have been better, but deep down Alicia was utterly scared that things would change all too soon. When would Kalinda start to get bored? When would she want it to be different? Harder? More exciting? More exotic? Or just with a different person? Not that Kalinda had hinted anything like that, but Alicia was waiting for the moment when she would. 

It was disconcerting and sometimes Alicia couldn’t even recognize herself anymore. She had built up such a healthy level of self-confidence over the last few years. She had felt strong and independent like never before in her life, and she had enjoyed that tremendously. She had been almost fearless during her affair with Will, but it was different with Kalinda. Everything was different and Alicia knew all too well what the biggest problem was: she didn’t feel safe and she didn’t have anything to hold on to, just Kalinda’s request to not talk about the future, to not domesticate her, and to not hold her back if she decided to leave. How was she supposed to explore this relationship with all these warning signals blinking at every turn? 

When they had been just friends Kalinda had catered to her a lot more than vice versa. Alicia had been so absolutely sure of her friendship and loyalty that she had never been afraid of losing Kalinda. But now there were all these issues that she wasn’t allowed to touch upon and that made her more insecure than she usually was. She knew that she had to overcome these fears because fear was never a good adviser in a relationship, but that was easier said that done.

_”Good afternoon, you’re connected with the Hawkins & Walter Cooperation, my name is Peggy Stanfield. What can I do for you?”_

Alicia jumped when a female voice suddenly resonated at her ear. “Hello Ms. Stanfield, I’m Alicia Florrick, Dr. Hawkins’ lawyer,” she quickly responded before the clerk could catapult her into the next waiting loop. “He told me he would be available at 2:00 P.M.” 

_“Please hold on a moment, Mrs. Florrick.”_

Alicia heard a click in the line and settled in to yet another round of “America the beautiful”, but this time she was connected before the second verse. 

_”I’m sorry, but Dr. Hawkins isn’t back from his out-of-house appointment yet,”_ Ms. Stanfield fluted into the phone. _”Can he call you back in half an hour?”_

Alicia strongly suspected Dr. Hawkins’ out-of-house appointment to be a prolonged lunch hour, but she silently reminded herself that the clerk wasn’t responsible for the unreliability of her boss. “Would you please tell Dr. Hawkins that I’ll be in a meeting at 3:00 P.M.?” she asked in a neutral voice. “I won’t be available again before tomorrow morning.”

Shaking her head Alicia put down the phone and the two tickets caught her eyes again. In her marriage with Peter, she had often complied with his needs. It had never been a problem, because she had been flexible and able to adapt herself to many situations. When he had been doing okay, the relationship had gone okay -- Alicia had learned that early on in her marriage. But none of this was working with Kalinda. If she let Kalinda take the lead they would quickly end up somewhere Alicia didn’t want to be, because it was the only thing Kalinda seemed to know. 

So Alicia had to be more active this time and risk being rejected. It was new territory for both of them, but if they didn’t have the courage to go forward, they would fail anyway. Determined, Alicia put the two tickets into an envelope, grabbed a DVD with the title “TARIMA” and walked across the hallway with both.

Unfortunately Kalinda wasn’t alone in the office -- two co-workers were working on their laptops and nodded briefly in Alicia’s direction when she entered the room. “Do you doubt Dr. Hawkins’ suitability as a witness?” Kalinda asked when Alicia came up to her desk.

“Unfortunately, yes.” Alicia put the DVD on Kalinda’s desk. “I don’t think he’s the best candidate for the witness stand. He might be a high-ranking plaintiff, but he isn’t very interested in the class action.”

“You want somebody with more enthusiasm?”

“Yes.” Alicia nodded. “I’m afraid the jury will fall asleep otherwise.”

“I see.” Kalinda pointed to the DVD. “And you want me to look over the other witnesses with you?”

“Yes, I was hoping you could help me draw up a shortlist of suitable witnesses that I can submit to Will.” Alicia looked cautiously over to the two colleagues, who seemed to be absorbed in their work. “Would you mind dropping by my apartment? I’m afraid this will take a while.”

“No problem. At what time?”

“How about 8:00 P.M.?”

“Sounds good.” Kalinda shot a quick glance at the envelope in Alicia’s hands. Of course she had noticed it. “Anything else?”

“Well…” Alicia hesitated. “No, that’s all I guess.” 

“Then I’ll be there at eight.”

Alicia was just about to respond when she saw Kalinda looking past her into the hallway. Was there a suppressed smile on her lips? Before Alicia could turn around she already heard the reason for Kalinda’s reaction.

“Hey, Alicia. Here you are,” she heard Owen’s voice behind her. “May I come in?” He waved at the two co-workers who greeted him politely.

“Owen, what are you doing here? I thought you were…” Alicia stopped mid-sentence when Owen went straight to Kalinda’s desk. 

“Kalinda Sharma,” he stated cheerfully and shook her hand. “How are you? I hope you’ve fully recovered from your wounds?”

“Yes, I’m good. Thank you.” Kalinda smiled kindly and Alicia suspected her to be mightily amused.

“Owen, you’re keeping my colleagues from working,” Alicia warned, and shot an apologetic look towards the two men who had indeed stopped typing. One of them in particular seemed to be very interested in Owen’s presence, and Alicia frowned when her brother returned his smile. Was Tyler Flemming gay? Why did everybody seem to be gay around her all of a sudden? She exchanged a look with Kalinda who didn’t seem to be surprised at all. “Let’s go to my office.” Alicia turned back to Owen. “We won’t bother anybody there.” 

“Okay, okay. If you say so.” Owen waved at Kalinda again as they left the room together and Alicia shook her head when she saw Kalinda waving back.

“So what are you doing here?” Alicia repeated as soon as she had closed the door of her office. “Did you have a fight with Matthew?”

“No, everything’s great with Matthew,” he stated, not without some pride in his voice. “I was in the neighborhood and thought we could have a drink tonight. But obviously you have other plans already.” He dropped on her desk chair and bobbed his Birkenstock sandals. “You look good, Alicia,” he said looking around in her office. “I’m glad you’re happy.”

“Thank you.” Alicia leaned against her desk. It was impossible to be angry with Owen for more than thirty seconds. 

“You are happy, aren’t you?” Owen probed. “Or do I smell trouble in paradise?”

“No, I’m good. I think.” Alicia smiled. “I’m not completely sure. It’s happened before that I thought I was happy and looking back I wasn’t.”

“You’ve become so suspicious of yourself.” Owen shook his head. “What has he done to you?”

“That doesn’t have to do anything with Peter,” Alicia explained calmly. “I’ve just changed a lot over the last years.”

“Well, I like who you are now -- apart from your distrust for your instincts and other people, that is.” He drummed his fingers on her desk. “And Kalinda is the bomb.”

Alicia looked nervously at Owen’s agile fingers. “Why don’t we talk about this another time?” she responded brusquely. By no means did she want to talk with him about this topic while at work. 

“Why don’t the four of us go out for a drink sometime?” he asked with a smirk. “Would your Kalinda agree to that?”

“I don’t know.” Alicia glanced at the office across the hallway where Kalinda was talking on her cellphone. “I don’t want Matthew to know about us before I’ve talked to Peter and the kids.”

“Then why don’t you tell him?”

Alicia shook her head. “I don’t want to discuss this now, Owen.”

“How long do you plan to wait until you know for sure that it’s a long-term thing?” he urged. “I don’t care about Peter, but if you keep treating Kalinda like a prolonged one-night-stand you’re not doing her justice. You won’t only hurt Peter with your behavior, but also Kalinda.”

Alicia crossed her arms and absentmindedly watched David Lee and Cary arguing in the hallway. She couldn’t deny what Owen was saying; she _was_ treating Kalinda like an affair. How could she not? If she told Kalinda that she wanted to see her more often and that she wanted to do _normal_ things with her, like going to a concert or to the movies, how would she react? Alicia didn’t mean to curtail Kalinda’s freedom in any way, she just didn’t want their relationship to take place only in restaurants, bars and bedrooms. But what if they didn’t find a way to be together that felt good for both of them?

Again, Alicia fixed her eyes on the envelope with the concert tickets. She needed to talk to Kalinda tonight, even if it was very tempting to only talk about witnesses for their class action. “I’m thinking about it, okay?” she promised Owen and smiled bravely when he patted her on the back. 

“Give me a call when you have a free evening, okay? I miss our nights at the _Strongbow_.” He gave her a good-bye kiss on the cheek.

“Do you still have a thing for the cute bartender?” she smiled. “Yes, I’d like that.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Five hours later, Alicia and Kalinda were sitting on Alicia’s sofa and taking notes about the people who were profiled on the TARIMA DVD. The two beer bottles on the table were half empty, as were the bowls of vegetables and dip that Alicia had set on the table. “Is Amanda Fox related to Nelson Fox whom we saw earlier?” Alicia bit into a carrot stick while she pressed the pause button on the remote with her other hand.

“She’s his mother.” Kalinda put the file with the witness introductions in her lap and flipped through it. “There he is: Nelson Cox, born in 1963, industrial designer, son of Amanda and Henry Fox,” she read out loud. “Suffered from second-degree burns when parts of the coffee machine _Tarima_ broke and fell into the half-filled cup. Bought his coffee machine in October 2011.” 

“Is Amanda suing together with her son or did she have an accident too?”

“Her machine broke only three weeks later, but she wasn’t injured.” Kalinda turned the document towards Alicia so that she could read the page too. 

“Two incidents within three weeks.” Alicia made an exclamation mark next to their names. “That will impress the Jury.”

“Let’s see if they’re eloquent enough for the witness stand.” Kalinda took the remote from Alicia’s hand and fast-forwarded to the first Fox interview. “I can’t see anything when you’re sitting upright, Alicia.”

“Oh, sorry.” Alicia lay down on the sofa and placed her head on Kalinda’s lap so that she could use it as a pillow. “This is nice,” she murmured, very pleased. “Can you see better now?”

“Very well.” Kalinda bent down and kissed the tip of Alicia’s nose. “Twenty more plaintiffs. Let’s get this finished tonight.”

“You’re sending mixed signals, Ms. Sharma.” Alicia pulled Kalinda’s face back to hers and kissed her. “Which confuses the parties involved.”

Kalinda’s smile tickled Alicia’s lips. “When will your kids be back?”

“Not before 10:30 P.M. There’s an event at their school.”

“Then we should hurry up so that we still have some time later.” Kalinda pressed the play button on the remote control and for the next half hour, they checked through the rest of the plaintiffs. 

Alicia almost felt sorry when they had watched the last person on the DVD. It felt so delightful to just lie here on the sofa, Kalinda’s hand in her hair, and to work on something together. What a luxury that she was allowed to work with the person she loved. Their work was still the field where they both felt like they were on safe ground with each other and Alicia didn’t want to think about her plans to talk about their relationship tonight.

“Are you happy, Alicia?” Kalinda suddenly asked. Her hand was still in Alicia’s hair but it had stopped massaging her scalp and lingered on her temple.

“Right now?” Alicia took Kalinda’s hand and kissed the small palm. “Yes.” Kalinda’s skin smelled faintly of soap. Probably mango or papaya, or maybe peach. “And you?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Why shouldn’t I be?”

Alicia gave Kalinda her hand back and sat up to be able to look at her. “Are you okay with the way things are right now?”

“What’s up, Alicia?” Kalinda put the document back onto the table and looked at Alicia attentively. “Is something wrong?”

Instead of responding, Alicia reached for her handbag and pulled out the envelope with the two concert tickets. “Would you like to go to this with me?” she asked, handing Kalinda the envelope.

Kalinda blinked when she pulled the tickets out. “The _House of Blues_? Sounds nice.”

“Good.” Alicia smiled, relieved. 

Kalinda put the tickets on the table. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” She dipped a carrot stick into the sour cream and bit into it. “To be seen with me in public?”

“I wouldn’t have asked you if I wasn’t.”

“You’re the one who has to hide something, not me.” Kalinda smiled. “So I assumed that you wouldn’t want this. Having dinner at a restaurant can also be seen as a work meeting, and there’s nothing wrong with a drink after work in a bar. But visiting a concert together is definitely not work-related and you of all people shouldn’t underestimate the power of the media. Another scandal is the last thing I want for you.”

Alicia sighed. “So what am I supposed to do? If I get too paranoid I won’t leave the house at all someday. Why can’t I do something with a colleague and friend in my free time?”

“I’m not saying that you can’t. I’m just saying there’s a risk.” Kalinda pointed at Alicia and herself. “If you want this to continue, you’ll have to officially leave Peter sooner or later. Otherwise you might do him more harm than good. As long as you’re still his wife, the media will watch every breath you take.” 

“Yes, I know.” Alicia played absentmindedly with the zipper of her handbag. She didn’t want to think of that right now. “The election will be over next week. Let’s take it from there,” she said vaguely.

Kalinda leaned back on the sofa and Alicia knew instantly that she had hurt her. “Have you really decided what you want, Alicia?” she asked, casting down her eyes. “This isn’t only about the election, is it?” 

Alicia didn’t know how to answer that. What did Kalinda expect from her? How could she assume she would drop all safety nets and at the same time ban talking about a future together? And what did she mean with _future_? Next week? Next month? Next year? 

“Do you sometimes go to the movies, or attend a concert?” Alicia changed the topic.

Kalinda smiled. “Who would I do that with?”

“With colleagues, or with people from the police maybe?”

“No, I don’t.” The idea seemed to amuse Kalinda. “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to try it out with you.”

It took Alicia a while before what Kalinda had just said sank in. She had been brooding for weeks over a way to be in a relationship with Kalinda and now it turned out that Kalinda was the more flexible one of the two of them? “That’s good to know.” She took a sip from her beer bottle to give herself some time. “But would you tell me if you started feeling domesticated or limited in your freedom?”

“Are you worried I’m leaving?” 

“Does that surprise you?”

“No.” Kalinda leaned forward and pulled Alicia into her arms. “But I have no reason to leave. I like being with you.”

Alicia sighed deeply when Kalinda kissed her on the lips. It was such a tender, loving kiss that she felt a bit dizzy from it. “Will you go to the concert with me?” she whispered.

“Yes.” Kalinda’s lips came back to hers. “Anything else?”

Alicia cupped her cheek and looked at her. Sometimes she felt so much love for this person that it hurt. “Please give me something I can orient myself by, Kalinda. I don’t want to make a mess of this.”

“I don’t have any more experience here than you do.” Kalinda smiled. “I have to try it out myself,” she added while her hands started to wander over Alicia’s back to the zipper of her dress and Alicia gave a small gasp when they opened it with a quiet sound. “We have to try it out together.” Ever so slowly, the hands wandered upwards again and pushed the cloth of the dress over Alicia’s shoulders. “But I won’t immediately get up and leave if we make a mistake.” She placed a gentle kiss on Alicia’s collar bone. “And I want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.” Alicia closed her eyes as Kalinda’s tongue on her skin dispelled every reasonable thought. “I just hate it when things feel so out of control.”

“Welcome to the club.” Kalinda’s hand slipped under Alicia’s dress and slid deep down to her lower back. “So let’s just feel out of control together…”

Alicia held her breath when she felt Kalinda’s fingertips inside her panties, running sensually over her butt. “Let’s switch to the bedroom,” she whispered, shivering as Kalinda’s hands touched her bottom crack.

Kalinda had just withdrawn her hand when they heard the sound of a key at the apartment door. 

“Oh my God!” Alicia looked at Kalinda in shock. “Why are they home so early?”

“Great timing,” Kalinda murmured and straightened her blouse while Alicia frantically pushed her dress back over her shoulders. 

“Hi Mom!” Zach called from the hall, threw his keys on the dining table and stood in the living room a moment later. “Oh, hi Kalinda,” he said as he noticed that his mother wasn’t alone. “Are you still working?”

“Yes, a class action.” Alicia cleared her throat. “How was the play?”

“Good, but a lot shorter than last year.” Zach looked back and forth between his mother and Kalinda. “We met Mrs. Clark in the elevator and Grace offered to carry her shopping bags to her flat.”

“That’s nice,” Alicia nodded. “We only need ten more minutes, Zach. Then we’re done.” She couldn’t read from his expression if he had noticed that the zipper on the back of her dress wasn’t closed.

“Well, I’ll unpack my bag,” he said and scuffed out of the room.

“You think he noticed anything?” Alicia whispered as soon as he was out of earshot.

“Of course he did.” Kalinda helped Alicia to pull up the zipper of her dress. “Your son isn’t twelve anymore.”

“Oh my God,” Alicia moaned. “I need to talk him when we’re done here.”

“Do you want to do it now? Should I go?”

“No, let’s finish the class action stuff, if you don’t mind.”

“No, I don’t.” Kalinda reached for her notebook. “So we have Amanda and Nelson Cox, Walter Lipton, Sandy Kolowsky, and Keira Salazar. Did I forget anyone?”

“No, that’s all. Five people should be enough.”

“Do you want me to check your plaintiffs more thoroughly before you talk to Will?”

“No, I’ll talk to him tomorrow. If he’s open for new witnesses, I’ll come back to you.” Alicia turned her head when Grace appeared in the living room. Without a word her daughter stopped behind an arm chair and looked back and forth between Kalinda and her mother. “Hi Grace. Everything okay?”

Grace nodded without taking her eyes off of Kalinda. “Hi Kalinda,” she said eventually and sighed with relief as her brother entered the room. 

“Well, we’re done here,” Alicia announced, just to say something. “Orange juice anybody?” Without waiting for a response she stood up, grabbed the empty dip bowls and walked to the kitchen to get juice and glasses. 

She had just taken the orange juice from the fridge when she heard Grace’s voice in the living room. “Are you and my mom together? She told us she’s seeing somebody.” 

Alicia stopped dead in her tracks. “I think you better ask your mother whom she’s seeing,” she heard Kalinda answer, and she quickly grabbed the glasses to hurry back into the living room. 

“Here’s some juice for everybody,” she pronounced, a little out of breath, and poured the beverage into the glasses, well aware that three pairs of eyes were focusing on her. 

“Mom, we understand that you want to keep Dad from questioning us,” Zach explained as he took his glass. “But we’re not twelve anymore.”

Alicia shot a silent glance to Kalinda whose eyes twinkled with amusement. “I know you’re not twelve anymore, Zach.”

“Do you not want Dad to know because Kalinda’s a woman?” Grace enquired. 

Alicia choked on her orange juice. “What?”

“You are together, aren’t you?” Grace looked from one to the other. 

“She thinks it’s a sin, you know.” Zach pointed with his head at his sister. “But I’m cool with it.”

“No, I don’t!” Grace turned to her brother, indignantly. “We talk about this in our bible circle and I always defend Uncle Owen.”

Kalinda got up from the sofa. “I’m going to freshen up a bit,” she announced and passed Alicia on her way to the bathroom. For a short moment, invisible to Zach and Grace, Alicia felt the pressure of Kalinda’s warm, comforting hand on her back, then she was out of the room.

“Yes, we are,” Alicia answered her daughter’s question. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you this sooner.”

“Are you into women now or something?” Grace looked at Alicia, uncertain. “Was that the reason why you left Dad?”

“No, Grace. This doesn’t have anything to do with Dad and me.” Alicia walked to her daughter and laid an arm around her. “And I’m not into women all of a sudden. It just happened and I’m still the same person, and I’m still the same mother.”

“I like her,” Zach said, appreciatively. “We thought it was her.” 

“You never bought so much milk before,” Grace added, dryly. “I don’t get it, though. You were never interested in women before, were you? Why can’t you give Dad another chance?”

Alicia kissed her on the forehead. “Dad and I have tried saving our marriage for a long time, but we eventually had to admit to ourselves that it wasn’t working anymore. But I will stay at your father’s side -- at least during the election.”

“Why are you doing that, Mom?” Grace shook her head. “I mean, if you love her, how can you pretend to love Dad? That’s a lie. How can Dad become governor with a lie?”

“I know that’s difficult to understand,” Alicia sighed. “But that’s how politics work. I won’t let your father down now. If I did, somebody else will become governor of Illinois, and the entire state will suffer for it.”

“But it’s still wrong,” Grace insisted. “I don’t want to live in a world where honesty loses.” 

“The most important thing is…” Alicia laid her other arm around Zach, “that people are honest with each other, and that we are honest with each other. Politics have different rules.”

“Then why don’t you want Dad to know it?” Zach probed. “If honesty is so important to you?”

“There are lots of reasons why I…” Alicia started but stopped when she realized she was justifying herself in front her children. “You’re right, Zach,” she agreed. “I will talk to your father.”

All three turned around when Kalinda reappeared in the living room. Almost a little shy, she stopped at the threshold, as though she needed the family’s permission to step closer. “It’s late,” she said when nobody moved. “I’d better leave.”

“You don’t have to. Zach and I wanted to go to our rooms anyway.” Grace emptied her glass and put it back onto the table. “Didn’t we, Zach?”

“Sure.” Zach nodded at Kalinda. “Good night,” he said, laid-back, and grinned when his sister punched him in the ribs. 

Alicia looked after them in disbelief as they trudged back to their rooms. “Since when are my children such adults?” she asked, dumbfounded. “It’s not that long ago that I changed their diapers.”

“Does that mean it went well?” Kalinda stepped next to her and laid her arm around Alicia’s hip.

“They like you. That helps.” Alicia smiled. “And they’ve been suspecting it, so it wasn’t much of a surprise.” 

Kalinda nodded, apparently pleased. “I really should leave, Alicia. It’s pretty late.”

Alicia ignored her comment and bent towards her to kiss her. “Did you know that I have the office with the best view at Lockhart & Gardner?”

“I’ve noticed, yes.”

“Too bad you keep work and free time so strictly separate.” Alicia bit Kalinda’s lip when she returned the kiss.

“Ouch.” Kalinda laughed quietly. “You’ll be grateful for that one day.”

“In the distant future maybe.” Alicia wrapped her arms around Kalinda and pulled her into a firm hug. A huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she could feel the relief in her whole body. A lot of things would change now and for a start, she would talk to Peter tomorrow. “Would you give me five more minutes on the sofa?” she asked with a charming smile.

“Oh, if you must.” In spite of her words, Kalinda let Alicia pull her to the sofa all too willingly. 

“Do you think Will will agree to drop Dr. Hawkins as a witness?” Alicia poured the rest of the orange juice into their glasses. 

“Of course. He trusts your instincts.” Kalinda raised her glass and clinked it against Alicia’s. “Here’s to a successful evening,” she said, smiling.

“And to us,” Alicia added.

“Here’s to us,” Kalinda repeated and kissed her.

And once again they clinked their glasses. 

 

 

* * * **THE END** * * *


End file.
